Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Newsflash: Reality TV Reaches New Low

We all knew it was low, but it just keeps sinking. I hate to admit it, but after a long shower in lye and toilet bowl cleaner, I can say: I watched The Bachelor tonight, and sweet mother of God it was vomitously horrid.

First strike: The new bachelor is Charlie O'Connell...toothy-grinned, mouth-breathing brother of Jerry O'Connell (Jerry Maguire). Charlie has acted, although I would be hard-pressed to come up with an example for you, and even then I think "acting" would be a bit of a stretch. Admittedly, he's tall, roguishly handsome, with a butt-chin to make you cry, "Ohhh, Mama, he's ever so dreamy." But, that's where it ends. As in the tradition of the O'Connell brothers he should simply stand and turn...never speaking...never trying to be funny.

Strike two: THERE ARE NO RULES!! Which is just another way to make the women look stupid, unfortunately for womankind, they rise to the occasion like a moth to a bug-zapper. The show began with the women being beckoned to the door of their hotel room in pajamas. They had a few minutes to get decent and they had to meet Charlie-boy with no makeup (THE HORROR!), and some took it quite literally that they were dragged out of bed. They showed up in pj's, negligées, bikinis, and I'm really surprised there weren't some pasties thrown like ninja stars. Each woman had two minutes of "speed dating" with Sir Charles and there was no shortage of grabbing, grinding, boob flopping, tattoo showing (one just about showed her cooch!), and lap sitting.

Next came the group dates, and the women had to pick which girls went on what date. Obvious recipe for disaster. The claws came out, the furr flew, insert cliche here, and Carlos ate it up. He gaves roses to the most dispicable and underhanded of hooch-mamas. Because he cane give roses in the middle of dates now. NO RULES I said! Oh the drama, Mama!

Third strike: One woman broke down into a fit of sobs at the club after being completely appauled by Charl-o doing a body shot off of one of her competitors. She left. It wasn't the place for her! She's a nice girl, and this clubbing thing was her ten years ago!!!!...And then she came back for the final ceremony and begged for a rose. Meanwhile, the bikini model that dropped her dress in an attempt to speed Charlie into her undies proclaimed, "I've been praying for you to make the right decision. I know I felt a real connection, and I would be honored if you felt the same way. I think I'm falling in love with you." *fucking sob* Ooohh, Mama!

I am constantly amazed at what these women will do for a flower from a loser and a marriage proposal that is destined for the crapper. The one redeeming moment of the show: when one of the lovelies admitted that she came on the show for "the experience" and elaborated on the fact that she meant TV exposure. Finally!!! Someone's tellin' the truth! And yes, she got a rose, and she'll be staying.

I need another shower.
And no, I won't be watching next week!

Note: The Bachelor replaced my real reality show of choice tonight....SuperNanny! Now that's good TV. ;o)

Reading: Heartbreak: A Political Memoir, by Andrea Dworkin
the total opposite: Faking It, by Jennifer Crusie
CD of choice: Eve to Adam.
TV: Everybody Loves Raymond
Head: Don't wanna go to work tomorrow.

17 comments:

  1. Andi that hilarious post made my morning much better. I caught like 2 minutes of the Bachelor and was like "Is that that kid from Stand By Me's little brother?" He has been on like 3 other shows this week (ok, I only know of one, Crossing Jordan) . Butt chins are cute? I did not know that.

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  2. "...vomitously horrid." I like that.

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  3. Butt chins are great! Glad to make your mornin'. :o)I didn't think I was gonna make anyone's morning when I was fighting blogger to post the damn thing last night.

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  4. osbasso even. My typing skills are pretty sickly this morning.

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  5. i caught about 40 minutes of it and that was about all i could stomach. commendable that you could endure the entire show. do you suppose Sunday's Crossing Jordan appearance was a (failed) attempt to prove that somehow he is cute and worth watching? i fail to see how he is a catch at all (personally, i'm not big on the butt chins...he's all yours andi!), seems to me he's barely one step above cro-magnon, particularly once he starts talking. and suddenly there are all these canadian women (3 or 4 of them) on the show, how embarrassing!...i thought we had more shame than that. i guess not.

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  6. The butt-chin isn't even enough to redeem Sir Charles. His knuckles are draggin' the floor.

    I'm not sure if it was commendable or just plain sick and makes me a glutton for punishment. It was physically painful to watch at times. I consider it an exercise in endurance. :oD

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  7. what a beating! I can't believe you made it all the way through one! I watch tv to ESCAPE reality, so you're rarely going to catch me on any of the reality shows. The only one i watch at all is extreme makeover home edition. Other than that....gag me with a long handled spoon.....

    what is the deal with blogger? i've had so much trouble doing anything on it the last few days!!

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  8. I thought he looked familiar...as one of the rubber penises I see in sex shops. What a goofy fucker.

    I wonder if Jerry is embarrassed.

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  9. Clack,
    I hear ya...loves me some Extreme Makeover Home Edition. And the aforementioned Super Nanny.

    Blogger has been tooootal crap lately. They're updating, apparently.

    Deens, You are toooo funny. lol You made me snort. Charlie makes Jerry look like a rocket scientist.

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  10. Lucky me, I've never seen any of this show. TV is a huge turn-off at the mo. Especially when I see ads for The Swan *shudder*

    And they cancel great shows like Angel and Firefly (okay, I'm a Joss-girl)

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  11. I was an Angel and Buffy girl, too, Fence. TV does suck at the moment (except for Desperate Housewives). I keep thinking the reality TV fad will wear off a bit, but no such luck yet!

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  12. i'd rather be beaten to death with a q-tip than watch another reality show. i do like numb3rs, which is my only concession to the "crime investigation" fad that is reality tvs partner in television monopoly right now. oh well. in a few months i'll be watching sesame street and blue's clues and nothing else, so i guess that's that.
    i find out what the baby is today! watch for a post this afternoon or tomorrow morning! :)

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  13. SHRIEK!!!!! I get to find out if I'm gonna be an aunt or an uncle (ode to Joey from Friends).

    LOL@ beaten with a q-tip. I haven 't heard of Numb3rs. I do really like Dr. G: Medical Examinger on Discovery Health. Mom's big into forensics, even before it was a fad, so I've read several really gross but interesting books on the subject. hehe

    Waiting as patiently as possible for the post. Going to lunch with Lesa and Kandice, by the way.

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  14. i am VERY jealous of your lunch plans. Do tell them hi for me. the next thing i put on here will be "the news", so hold your breath...

    (don't really. it'll be a few hours...)

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  15. As soon as I heard he was the new Bachelor I was practically retching. Good God when will the reality tv end!!!!
    I'm happy to know I wasn't wrong in my distate, thanks Andi!
    I just can't believe the crap they keep putting on tv. I've never read so many books instead of subjecting myself to tv in my life. At least my tbr pile is getting shorter right? :)

    -Amy :)

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  16. Yayyy, Clack! And I did tell them you said hello. Kandice and I are going to try to get out to Lesa's house next week sometime.

    Amy,
    My TBR is shrinking, too! I'm highly grateful for that!!!

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