Sunday, April 10, 2005

Advice to Live By...

1) Corral your ass crack before it pops up and waves hello to innocent bystanders.

2) If you can't sing, don't try it in public.
Subsection A) If you can't sing, but insist on trying it in public anyway, don't do it a cappella.

3) If your breasts touch anywhere in the neighborhood of your navel, don't wear a spaghetti strap tank with no bra outside your home.

4) If the best schtick you can come up with is to dress like a whorish woman and tell old jokes, give up stand-up comedy.

5) If you only know three songs, don't sing them over and over, month after month, at the small town opry; eventually people will stop coming.

8 comments:

  1. Oh, my! Sounds like you had a wonderful time tonight! It's things like this where I'd just prefer to come home, light some candles, put on some gentle classical music, and stick needles in my eyes and pour hot wax in my ears.

    On a less graphic note--congrats on the assistantship. Living on campus during grad school isn't my cup o' tea, but sometimes sacrifices have to be made.

    Lastly--I am SO looking forward to my birthday present! So far, it's looking pretty even in the gifts dept.--boobs, beers and fun with Dr. Claw! (I even got a picture emailed to me this morning!)

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  2. oh, i wish i had been there! i once went to this 'trail ride' in Rose Isle Manitoba (which apparently thinks it's Texas and is full of cowboys...) and suffered through similar pain. drunk people kept interrupting the not so great singers and trying to steal the mic from them and the lousy comedian was telling totally unfunny and racist jokes...not so fabulous.

    and loving the bit about the tank top/no bra combo. i'm starting to think that many people live life without mirrors, that's the only possible explanation.

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  3. LOL, congrats on the outpouring of gifts, Os.

    The wax and eye poking would've been a vast improvement. This was a definite shitfest in compaRison to last month's opry. I think I'll be skipping next month's.

    ago, LOL@cowboys in Canada. Whoda thunk it!

    I'm gonna start a new foundation: Mirrors for the Wardrobially Challenged. Someone needs to help these people...and quick!

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  4. Great blog. I followed you here from a friend's website. I am a Starting Over-a-holic. Let me know what you need to know :)

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  5. Hi, Dominique! Thanks!

    I have to figure out what time Starting Over comes on now! I seem to catch it in bits and pieces when I'm channel-surfing. :o)

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  6. Who's making fun of Canucks?

    Let's be real: all cowboys are grody.

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  7. Ooh, no no no dahling. Some cowboys are yummy. The real ones that aren't faking it and trying to wear bolo ties and spurs. A well-chosen pair of wrangler jeans throws me into convulsions of a most delicious nature.

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  8. I must agree with Andi- they are rare but when you find a real one you must react quickly!

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