1) Corral your ass crack before it pops up and waves hello to innocent bystanders.
2) If you can't sing, don't try it in public.
Subsection A) If you can't sing, but insist on trying it in public anyway, don't do it a cappella.
3) If your breasts touch anywhere in the neighborhood of your navel, don't wear a spaghetti strap tank with no bra outside your home.
4) If the best schtick you can come up with is to dress like a whorish woman and tell old jokes, give up stand-up comedy.
5) If you only know three songs, don't sing them over and over, month after month, at the small town opry; eventually people will stop coming.