Thursday, July 21, 2005

MTV: The Cesspool

MTV has traumatized me twice in one day. I remember MTV fondly from my youth. They played videos, there were half-interesting-fluffy-haired VJ's. Video killed the radio star for God's sake!!! Michael Jackson weekends (pre boy-fucking), big hair weekends, slow-jams-to-bang-to weekends. And my personal favorite: the first four seasons of The Real World when they still featured socially conscious dykes, freakishly tall cowboys, and squirrely black comedians. Those were the days when the Real World was real. When hooking up was an extra perk, but not something the casting director was hunting out like a German Shepherd rooting for a maxi pad in the trash can.

The first thing that traumatized me today was Jessica Simpson's new video. What asshat deity gave her divine instructions to fuck up every old song in the karaoke catalog of standards? She snivels, whines and wheezes her way through These Boots Were Made for Walkin' and my ass puckered, shivered and twitched through the whole ordeal. Have you seen that Dukes of Hazzard commercial where she says, "I think something bounced up into my undercarriage"? She's the only Texan I know who can fuck up a southern accent. Her version sounds like Tony Blair at a drag show. She even dragged Willie Nelson with her. I hope he was higher than he's ever been to be talked into being a part of the sextravaganza.

The other trauma: Laguna Beach. What the hell is Laguna Beach??? Is it really a reality show?? I don't think actors could act that ditzy with a straight face. I pity their parents for having deposited such lemmings into the world.

Let's start a petition. The "Stop Being Retarded, MTV" petition. Sign in the comments area.

On TV: Not MTV.
Music: Shannon Wright
Reading: The Soul of Sex
In my head: PLANS!


  1. Damn, the CD got there already? What do you think?

  2. Freakin' lovey love it!!! It's fabulous. Hypnotic, intriguing, moody. Woot! Ya done good!

  3. I've seen her in concert twice in Louisville, the first time in a run-down converted warehouse with no heater in the dead of winter, the second in a small room with no air conditioning in the middle of summer. The first show especially was so good I almost wept for joy. The crowd was absolutely transfixed. They couldn't believe they were seeing something so amazing for five bucks. EVERYONE there bought a CD from her after the show.

    M-TV and the retard record industry are two of the reasons someone like Shannon Wright will never be famous.

  4. Sounds like an amazing show. Too bad she'll never be famous famous...she's got more talent in her left earlobe than most people on MTV.

  5. Here Here! Enough with the MTV stupidity! I noticed Jessica Slutson's bad accent the other day. I LOVEDDDD dukes of hazzard when I was a kid. There's no way I would see this movie.

  6. MTV should be rebranded as PimpMyCribTV

  7. Os, I was thinking the same thing. Apparently MTV2 was supposed to have music too.

    If you can call that music.

    It's a shame, I really miss the good ole days of MTV. They brought back Headbangers Ball but it just ain't the same.

  8. I cried for Nancy Sinatra. Jessica shouldn't even bother singing. She should just shake what her momma gave her. When she sings it ruins it.

  9. i can't stand when JS does that shit with her voice. i don't get how people THINK she has a good voice. hot bod to laugh at yes..good singer NO.
    Canada's music station's hardly even play music videos even more which i understand even less.

  10. We only get MTV on our version of cable and its about 10 years behind...I would rather cut grass with a pair of nail scissors than subject myself to that shit.

  11. Paul,
    I thought you were my boss for a moment. I felt a little heart palpitation and not in a good way. Everything's OK now. Whew. Glad to have you.

  12. Os,
    Not often!

    I was a Dukes fan in my houth, too. You couldn't drag me to this movie by my hair. Jessica Simpson is a boil on the butt of humanity.

  13. LOL, Fence! Hosted by a toothless rapper no doubt.

    Alas, you're right...headabangers ball alone is not enough. They need a complete overhaul.

  14. Evil,
    Amen. She should stand and turn. Maybe the occasional shake...although those look way too calculated to be sexy 98% of the time.

    Back when she actually sang...I liked her voice. Now she whinneys. Wheezes. Snarfs.

  15. Jessica's version of the song sounds like These Boots Are Made For Walking: The Remix.

  16. Oooh yeah. And remix is always the deal breaker.


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