MTV has traumatized me twice in one day. I remember MTV fondly from my youth. They played videos, there were half-interesting-fluffy-haired VJ's. Video killed the radio star for God's sake!!! Michael Jackson weekends (pre boy-fucking), big hair weekends, slow-jams-to-bang-to weekends. And my personal favorite: the first four seasons of The Real World when they still featured socially conscious dykes, freakishly tall cowboys, and squirrely black comedians. Those were the days when the Real World was real. When hooking up was an extra perk, but not something the casting director was hunting out like a German Shepherd rooting for a maxi pad in the trash can.
The first thing that traumatized me today was Jessica Simpson's new video. What asshat deity gave her divine instructions to fuck up every old song in the karaoke catalog of standards? She snivels, whines and wheezes her way through These Boots Were Made for Walkin' and my ass puckered, shivered and twitched through the whole ordeal. Have you seen that Dukes of Hazzard commercial where she says, "I think something bounced up into my undercarriage"? She's the only Texan I know who can fuck up a southern accent. Her version sounds like Tony Blair at a drag show. She even dragged Willie Nelson with her. I hope he was higher than he's ever been to be talked into being a part of the sextravaganza.
The other trauma: Laguna Beach. What the hell is Laguna Beach??? Is it really a reality show?? I don't think actors could act that ditzy with a straight face. I pity their parents for having deposited such lemmings into the world.
Let's start a petition. The "Stop Being Retarded, MTV" petition. Sign in the comments area.
On TV: Not MTV.
Music: Shannon Wright
Reading: The Soul of Sex
In my head: PLANS!