Thursday, July 28, 2005

The Nit and the Grit

I've had a lot on my mind lately. Things of a hefty and bothersome nature. Maybe not so much bothersome but thoughts that inevitably cause hours of sleepless introspection. I find myself mulling over the decisions I've made, the chances I've taken, where life and career might lead me in the next few years. I give myself a hard time for the things I've put off or fucked up until now. I blog about the mundane and the airy. The fluff of my life while the real action remains shoved up in my gray matter.

Foremost in my brain today that I don't consider fluffy:

I don't know if I'll ever be happy unless I'm reaching for something. I don't know that I'll ever be satisfied with my accomplishments.

I've felt dead inside ever since I got my BA because I wasn't yet working on another degree. I'm one of those people that will be in school until I die. I love it. It's invigorating. I hate sitting still for too long. I love changing schedules and travel and bedlam. Working my ass off to add one more accolade to my stash. Aside from the fact that I'm attention whore and like feeling accomplished, I just love learning and producing and thinking until it feels like my head might explode. I'm most interested in a branch of literary study that is of no use in the real world: theory. I could while away the hours studying obscure philosophy and arguing over terms for ages. When I understand something theoretical I feel like I've been let into some inner sanctum--the Holy of Holies to have girly drinks with Aristotle, Marx, and Derrida. I can't wait to start my classes. I'm so excited I can hardly keep myself from bubbling over. I want to go buy all the textbooks and start reading. I know I'll find myself bitching like a madwoman halfway through the semester, but I'll still be in love with my work.

Number 2:

I'm totally pissed off at the befucked state of the world today. I read the news everyday, I get more irked every day. I loathe the U.S. government right now. I should've gone into politics. I know at least two people would vote for me for President. The damn Republicans would have a field day with my Half-Nekkid Thursday pics, though.

Number 3:

I worry about my family.

Number 4:

I want to publish something so bad I can taste the ink. I have four novels floating around in my head, but I dare not get down with 'em because I'll be too busy in three weeks to even take a pee break. So, they stew a little longer. Along with all the articles I want to write.

I'm ready to get moving with my life people! I feel stuck! But only for three more weeks, then it'll be hyperspeed onward to...something.

On TV: scrubbing bubbles
Listening to: Coldplay
Reading: Interpreter of Maladies, by Jhumpa Lahiri (fan-ass-tastic)
In my head: See above.

8 comments:

  1. i totally understand the not being happy unless you have a major goal. i have always had emotional crashes after finishing 'important' stuff (my undergrad, my grad degree, etc.) and i find it very hard to be 'between' ambitions. that makes being un/underemployed really hard.....actually, i understand all the other stuff too.

    hugs to andi!

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  2. i really liked that book.. i think she writes really well! :-)

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  3. You don't like the guvmint? What do you have against the 10th century?

    I would vote for you for Pres. too, Andi. So that's 3!!

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  4. Ago,
    That's why I love ya. I was beginning to think I was crazy and no one could relate.And that would've been fine, but it's much better to be in good company.

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  5. S!,
    Her writing seems very simple until she reaches out and grabs your proverbial nuts and TWISTS! Heart (and nut) wrenching stories, for sure.

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  6. LOL, Suzz. Thank you for your support. I just want to make "Amerca" a better place.

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  7. I know how you feel! I always saw myself getting my BA in English and then moving on to a masters and PhD. But lack of money, illness, having a kid and everything else made me put things on hold. I graduated with honors with my BA, but I feel as if I've accomplished nothing. I spent last summer working at blockbuster and now I'm a library assistant making a whopping $8.50 an hour. I thought I'd be atop the ivory tower. However -- all the other english majors I know that I went to college with and a few people I know from highschool who majored in English are all waitresses or in food service. At least we have jobs with some relation to books!

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  8. Amanda,
    That's a great point. At least we get to be bookish. I would be thrown in jail in no time if I was a waitress.

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