I've had a lot on my mind lately. Things of a hefty and bothersome nature. Maybe not so much bothersome but thoughts that inevitably cause hours of sleepless introspection. I find myself mulling over the decisions I've made, the chances I've taken, where life and career might lead me in the next few years. I give myself a hard time for the things I've put off or fucked up until now. I blog about the mundane and the airy. The fluff of my life while the real action remains shoved up in my gray matter.
Foremost in my brain today that I don't consider fluffy:
I don't know if I'll ever be happy unless I'm reaching for something. I don't know that I'll ever be satisfied with my accomplishments.
I've felt dead inside ever since I got my BA because I wasn't yet working on another degree. I'm one of those people that will be in school until I die. I love it. It's invigorating. I hate sitting still for too long. I love changing schedules and travel and bedlam. Working my ass off to add one more accolade to my stash. Aside from the fact that I'm attention whore and like feeling accomplished, I just love learning and producing and thinking until it feels like my head might explode. I'm most interested in a branch of literary study that is of no use in the real world: theory. I could while away the hours studying obscure philosophy and arguing over terms for ages. When I understand something theoretical I feel like I've been let into some inner sanctum--the Holy of Holies to have girly drinks with Aristotle, Marx, and Derrida. I can't wait to start my classes. I'm so excited I can hardly keep myself from bubbling over. I want to go buy all the textbooks and start reading. I know I'll find myself bitching like a madwoman halfway through the semester, but I'll still be in love with my work.
I'm totally pissed off at the befucked state of the world today. I read the news everyday, I get more irked every day. I loathe the U.S. government right now. I should've gone into politics. I know at least two people would vote for me for President. The damn Republicans would have a field day with my Half-Nekkid Thursday pics, though.
I worry about my family.
I want to publish something so bad I can taste the ink. I have four novels floating around in my head, but I dare not get down with 'em because I'll be too busy in three weeks to even take a pee break. So, they stew a little longer. Along with all the articles I want to write.
I'm ready to get moving with my life people! I feel stuck! But only for three more weeks, then it'll be hyperspeed onward to...something.
On TV: scrubbing bubbles
Listening to: Coldplay
Reading: Interpreter of Maladies, by Jhumpa Lahiri (fan-ass-tastic)
In my head: See above.