Thursday, August 11, 2005

The Gift of Onion

I was sitting at the circ desk looking supremely bored last weekend and Reference Diva took it upon herself to bestow a miracle upon me. She brought me a golden calf....Dispatches from the Tenth Circle: The Best of the Onion. I've been an Onion fan for a long time, but it's orgasmically delicious to have a big bunch of Oniony goodness in one place. Without much more to-do...my favorite headlines from The Onion.

I Can Instantly Tell Whether Someone is African-American with My Amazing "Blackdar"

Children of Divorce Twice as Likely to Write Bad Poetry

Chicken Killed

Depression Hits Losers Hardest

Tenth Circle Added to Rapidly Growing Hell

CNN Still Releasing News Piled Up During Elian Gonzalez Saga

Sudanese 14-Year-Old Has Midlife Crisis

Gay Gene Isolated, Ostracized

South Postpones Rising Again for Yet Another Year

And my very very very favorite that made me cackle and disturb everyone in the library:

Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs: "Oh, Shit," Says Humanity

21 comments:

  1. Their headline after 9/11 was HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

    I'd like to write for them, but don't really know how to achieve that goal.

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  2. The Onion is the best. And it is so sexy that you cackle.

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  3. ah, for the onion. they're hilarious.

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  4. LMAO, Todd. I definitely think you should investigate writing for them. It would be a match made in the fluffy angel crotch of heaven.

    Kalani,
    Girl I cackle with the best of 'em. Snort occasionally, too.

    Clack,
    I thought you'd like that. I had you in mind for this post.

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  5. todd I think you have found your calling!! Make it happen!

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  6. I've never read The Onion. I've heard of it, though.

    This is great stuff. Is it a paper? A magazine?

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  7. i wish the library had porn.

    i would go all the time.

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  8. I had onions on my burger a couple of days ago. I gave the gift of onion to everyone I met for the rest of the day!

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  9. love onions! just got around to reading your blog and following some of the links. very nice.

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  10. Suzz,
    It's an online "news" site that spoofs everything. So very very funny.

    http://www.theonion.com

    Enjoy the hours of twisted goodness!

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  11. Johnny,
    You're not alone. Many of your minions would agree wholeheartedly.

    LOL, Os...
    I'm sure they were very...grateful isn't the word.

    Thanks, Art! I hope you'll come back!

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  12. They killed a chicken?

    I read that twice...I love the Onion!

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  13. Andi,

    Thanks! Had no idea it was an online thingy.

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  14. NonGF,
    Unimaginable isn't it?? I need to get finished with this Onion book before it's due back. So funny.

    Suzz,
    You're welcome! Enjoy!

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  15. The Onion is fresh and never uptight with their columns.

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  16. Ruben,
    You're exactly right...they are the freshest of the fresh. And don't you agree that our lovely VegASS would make a great Onion writer?

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  17. Those are fabulous. My all-time favorite is still:

    Clinton Dispatches Vowels to Bosnia!

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  18. LOL, C! Love that one. I missed it somehow. :o)

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  19. OMG! Did you see the one today?

    Rumsfeld Makes Surprise Visit to Wife's Vagina

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  20. LMAO! I didn't see it! I must visit right now!

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