Wednesday, August 31, 2005

God's Cruel Little Joke

My hair has always been my pride and joy. I was born with naturally curly hair that has oft been felt up by strangers on the street and cooed over by old ladies in Whataburger. The reason I've gotten hair compliments all these years is because I spend millions of hours and thousands of dollars on products and gadgets to wrangle this shit into something aesthetically pleasant. I'm taking you behind the scenes, bitches. Watch out.....

Freshly washed and slept upon. The curls have been allowed to run wild and crazy with no discipline whatsoever. Because of the sleeping there's sort of a rat nest effect that can't be prevented. Notice the ultra-curly roots. Those bitches are almost impossible to straighten...even with a round of chemical straightener and a flat-iron.

After the morning frying. It's amazing isn't it? It takes great willpower and an anal-retentive neat-streak the likes of which you don't see very often to make it behave.

The moral of my tale: Whatever you think about your own hair, it could always be worse. And God hates my head.

Note: It takes a woman strong in her womanhood to post morning hair and no makeup. I just happen to not care.


  1. just something i have noticed...
    most women with naturally curly hair, straighten it. most women with straight hair, perm it or curl it every morning.

    why is that?

  2. Quite simply, because we all want what we don't have. Incidentally, I also want a Viper and a princess dress complete with crown and scepter. I have neither.

  3. i gave up straightening my mop - its not even proper curly- just frizzy.

    i need to post a pic of my morning hair and then you wont feel so bad

  4. Well, I think it looks beautiful both ways. And I think you are so lucky, you can have it both ways. My hair won't curl no matter what I do!

  5. You are my hero! Heroine? Heroin? Anyway, we appreciate your early morning candidness!

    I probably shouldn't tell you that there's a picture that exists with me wearing a princess tiara and a wand.... And that's not even my DT picture!

    Ams may have an idea--you could do a "Morning Hair Monday" thing!

  6. You're a brave woman, &-ee.

    I will never post a morning hair picture. My fro would reach out from your monitor and eat you alive.

  7. Oh, Andi....

    someday I'll post a picture of my morning hair, as well. I also have naturally curly hair and am plagued by the ultra-curly roots (which really *are* impossible to straighten). I don't often straighten it, just because it takes so damn long and I don't have the patience or tolerance that you do. But I also spend many hours and many dollars on manpower and products... it's a rough life we curly-headed gals lead.

    Good luck and Godspeed in the hair-perfecting process... my thoughts will be with you as I scrunch and mousse tomorrow morning.

  8. you're hilarious. i am going! wish me luck!

  9. See, &-ee, you're right on! I want curls or waves or something. My hair just is strait. i don't even have to brush it after a shower or anything, it just falls straight.

    hm... do you think if i pretended to want gray hair, it would go away since we want what we don't have?

  10. your morning hair is cute. i didn't realize that is what you meant. duh. but i like it. i'm a huge fan of the less is more look though anyways.

  11. I had whore-hair when I was in my late teens. Permed and blonde. BIG HAIR! Now, my hair is natural -- straight, long, and purple.

  12. OK Andish - here goes (deep breath.)

    I am hereby officially asking you pretty please with cherries on top and everything to change your comment button title.

    Every time I come to your blog I see it and it gets that gawd awful song stuck in my head and I want to paw my eyes out and send them to you via FedEx but I know how they are about that (believe me me, we have been round and round over that issue.)

    You can ask anything of me in return (well not anything... even I have my limits. I do, really.) I will donate $50 to the American Red Cross (in addition to what I have already given,) I will stop talking about sex on my blog for a week, I will draft a letter to Gwen herself detailing my views on how her lyrics have set back the feminist movement a good 2.3 years. I will do anything for love but i wont do that (ok see now you made me go and quote Meat Loaf!)

    I'm just sayin' - pleeeeezzzzzeeeeee?


  13. Andi-

    I don't really know the words to the song, so all I hear is Gwen's voice going blah and a bunch of clapping.

    Anyway, I like the hair in both photos. I really do. I'm just sad because I had to chop all my hair off. I don't think I have any photos of my hair, but it was Chewbacca long. I just cut it for job interviews. *Sob*. I look clean cut and a part of the American work force.

    Hope things are fabulous with you. Talk to you later.


  14. you don't need any makeup!!

    i have always HATED my hair.

  15. in picture number one your look is saying, "I am not fucking amused." In picture number two it is saying, "I am fucking sexy ass bitch." BTW I like your comment button it's silly and fun and it makes me laugh. But I hate word varification you should go to haloscan. ;)

  16. More power to you. Ive got where I dont even care what I look like without makeup. And I look scary. Like hide the kids scary.

  17. My hair does the exact same thing. I used to straighten and load it with products. I find lately that I need a haircut more than I need sex. There's nothing I can do for it until then. I've given up. I've packed the flat-iron in my moving boxes and knocked about 20 minutes off of my morning routine. I find I can achieve a lot with a blow dryer and a metal brush. Ceramic is good too.

  18. we all absolutely want what we don't have. I HAD naturally curly hair at one point but I staightened it so much that it won't curl if I don't blow dry it, it just gets a wave and a frizz...nice!

    Lovely Pic's Andi! With and without makeup...

  19. Bring it on, ams. The curly/frizzy goodness knows no bounds!

    If I could bottle you and use you as my self-esteem I would be SO good to go.

    I shall find the tiara pic!!! Mark my word!!!

    Come on Kikhwa...let's be froofy together. The 'fro sistas.

  20. Becky,
    For the longest time I just threw it up in a ponytail because even with the moussing and scrunching, it was a disaster. When I read that point I chop and straighten. It's an endless, vicious cycle.

  21. Kisses to the impending babe, Clack.

    I may throw up. I can't imagine it just falling straight. It must be a divine sight to behold. I'm gonna try the gray hair thing. I'll keep you posted!

    That was mnost definitely LESS. :)

    That was me as a teen as well. I didn't have it permed (didn't need to) but it was definitely big and blond...with the "poof" bangs. Oh God. I'm feeling throw-uppy. Purple is wonddderful. I wish mine was blue.

  22. Steph,
    I'll give it serious consideration. And the $50 to the Red Cross is a great idea!!! lol

    Awwww, that's tragic, Tim (about your lack of hair now). And keep up the clapping. Send a recording if you will. "Tim Does Gwen." Or something to that effect.

    Why, oh why, do you hate your hair?? It always looks beautimous in pics I've seen of you. And thank you! I wear makeup when the mood strikes. I'm not attached to it on an everyday basis.

    Thank you, dahling! I may use that as a quote somewhere on my blog. I like being a sexy bitch. I'm seriously considering haloscan, just haven't done it yet. Will have time this weekend to play around with it. *smooches*

    You crack me up! But I doubt you're hide the kids scary. It's when we hit "hide the dog" scary that we need to worry.

    I'm like a retard with no arms when I have a hairdryer in one hand and a brush in the other (which would make me a 'tard WITH arms....hole in my argument). I'm quite coordinated, but when I have those two utensils, I'm useless!!!

    Thank you, Funky! I've missed you, by the way!! I keep hoping something similar will happen with my leg hair. If I let it grow reallyyyy long and then wax it all at once will it just give up and disappear??? A girl can hope!

  23. I like the morning hair. It all relaxed and laid back.

    But I also like the straightened hair.

    I would never have the patience to do so much to my hair in the morning. Wash, quick blow-dry and then up in a pony tail so it can spend the rest of the day dripping water down my back. Yes, when I said quick blow-dry I meant it :)

  24. Andish, dare I say you look better with curls? Seriously . . .

  25. I miss my ponytail, Fence!! I like my short do, but the ponytail was great for quick morning prep!

  26. Thanks, Denaroo, but I don't think I could stand 'em!!!

  27. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Maggie Gyllenhaal?

  28. Wow! No, they haven't, Jen, but thanks a bunch!!! I like her a lot!

  29. You have my hair. OMG. On your head. I'm so sorry. I feel for you.


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