Saturday, April 30, 2005

Snow on the Hills of Hell: The News that Proves Hell Has Frozen Over

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are dating. Click here for the gory details.
Now, this is stomach-turning on many levels:

1) Who really likes Tom since he ditched Nicole?
2) Who doesn't like Katie Holmes...even though she ditched Chris Klein. I mean, come on, he was a bit of a ditz.
3) She's taller than him. What's new, right?? Tom Cruise is 5'7" on a good, insert-tightly-in-shoes day. Why can't he date a short woman? I, personally, cannot imagine being a lanky 5'9" to 5'11" and dating a "stud" who's only 5'7". I'm not one to harp on too many physical hangups....but tall women and short men annoy the shit out of me. Tom must have a big dick.

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There's a new article at CNN.com about the melding of human and animal cells. Click
here. This just screams, "EEEWWWW!" and "SCREWY SCI-FI MOVIE MEETS CREEPY SINGING MICE FROM THAT COMMERCIAL!!!" Just read the article. One of the arguments against the mixing of human and animal cells...especially brain cells, is that the mind of a human could find itself in a sheep. ETHICS PATROL!!! FUCKING ETHICS POLICE!!! I consider myself a pretty progressive, free-thinkin' kind of gal, but this is just toooo much.

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I can't find the article now, but I read one today about a cemetery in Australia that's going to start burying the dead in a bag and in a vertical position on grazing land. Now, I realize this could be fan-frickin-tastic for the environment and all...no big metal boxes, lots of space to plant people, no weird chemicals seeping into the ground water...and it's cheap! 700 bucks! HOWEVER, the last thing I want to do after a long, prosperous life is be buried standing up. I'm sure, by the time I die, I will have done enough of that.

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Some guys in Massachusetts found 100's of 1,000's of dollars buried in their backyard. A buried treasure, if you will. They stole it! The assmonkeys stole the money and claimed they found it buried in their backyard. The fucking stupid award goes to these guys. It will be tattooed on their foreheads soon. Right after they're sodomized by their new prison boyfriends. Click
here for the story.

Friday, April 29, 2005

When did I get OCD??

I'm a comment whore, and I freely admit it. I'll suck and blow for a dozen comments or so. Boom-chicka-boom-bicka-wau-wau (porn music).

Ever since I installed the damn counter I've become a slave to the numbers. For a good run there I was averaging 60-70 visitors a day, and now I'm down to 50-some-odd. Now, this shouldn't be a problem, but I find myself feeling nauseous and looking for a paper bag to hyperventilate in (maybe that's a little bit of a stretch) because my numbers ARE GOING DOWN like a nympho on the Titanic. There's some sort of wonderfully addictive satisfaction in knowing that people are stopping by...whether they stay for a piece of snark or not. Alas, I fear I've become too much of a number whore, though. Thinking of stopping by my blog? If you need some incentive I'll discount you some crank and tweak your crumpets.

It's not healthy. Maybe I should uninstall the counter. I'm beginning to judge my entries by the number of visitors here. I'm judging myself by the entries I post. Why don't as many people love me today?? This week? Where are the readers???? WHY aren't they coming!!! STOP THE MADNESS!!!!

*downward spiral*

...taking a bow.....

Salon vol.1

sa·lon
Pronunciation Key (s-ln, sln, s-lô)n.
A large room, such as a drawing room, used for receiving and entertaining guests.

A periodic gathering of people of social or intellectual distinction.
A hall or gallery for the exhibition of works of art.
A commercial establishment offering a product or service related to fashion: a beauty salon.
Reference Diva from the library approached me last week about starting a salon of sorts. She walked up and asked, "When I say salon what do you think of?"
"France," I replied. DINGDINGDING!! Correct answer! Score one for Andi. If I'd said "beauty" or "nail" she would've huffed and walked away, I'm sure.
Reference Diva (aka MaryAnn) wants to start a salon of sorts for those of us who like to philosophize and chew over obscure thoughts...and drink wine. I'm supposed to be drumming up ideas for people to join us in our philosophical wine-drinking. I'm very excited about such an odd idea.
Normally the only salon I'm a part of is the one that goes on in my head. It's a one woman conversation, which makes things much more agreeable, but the echo gets a bit annoying sometimes.
Today on my way home from work I was thinking of my post about what's sexy, and I was listening to my boyfriend, Gavin Degraw, and I was stroking my new purse, and I was chewing over the book I'm reading, and I had a potential thesis idea (even though that's two years away). It dawned on me...I left out the sexiest of sexy characteristics:
PASSION
I'm a passionate person about a number of things, and I'm cripplingly attracted to passion in other people...whether they be friends, lovers, family members, or my favorite artists, songwriters, writers, actors. My passion is what I like most about myself. I've always been an innately creative person, and I gave up trying to suppress it years ago. I live and breath my passions...in my free time and my career and academic life. I like to surround myself with passionate people because they keep me juiced up and productive.
Some of the passionate people I admire (living and dead):
My friend Sherrie from NC. We have a ton in common. When we were both miserable high school teachers in NC we kept each other sane by going on day trips to insiring places, watching films, swapping great music, talking books, book browsing for hours, being quiet in coffee shops and on the beach. She's full of wonderful, lush ideas, and I always love talking with her. I miss her. :o(
Jackson Pollock. So he was a drunk and slightly nuts....but still passionate. His paintings, despite the fact that "they could've been done by a five-year-old" are passion given legs to walk all over you. Same with Frida Kahlo. I could look at their work for hours. Unfortunately no museums around here have any Kahlos....but I have a religious moment with Cathedral every time I visit Pollock's section at the Dallas Museum of Art.
A wide variety of musicians: Joni Mitchell, Shawn Colvin, The Dixie Chicks, Alison Krauss, Mindy Smith, John Mayer, Dave Matthews, David Gray, now Gavin Degraw, and I can't forget my girlfriend...Amy Lee. A bunch more...from all different genres. The singer/songwriter types probably inspire me the most, as they always seem to sound like they're in love with their craft. Makes me wobbly in ze knees.
Kate Winslet. Intelligent, understated, amazing actress. That's all there is to say about her.
And I haven't forgotten you...my blog peeps (and those who are my real life peeps that just happen to read my blog). You're all passionate about so many different things, and I admire you all. I love reading about your lives and loves.
Watch for future Salon-titled entries for updates on our little salon project and my own ramblings about single-word topics and how they explode in my brain.
On TV: No TV.
CD: Chariot, by baby daddy (Gavin)
In my head: INSPIRATION! Finally!

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Snark Inducers...

A few things almost 100% guaranteed to produce mad snark in the next 12-24 hours:

I'm reading Bachelor Girl: A Social History of Living Single, and by page 29 it's already got this feminist in convulsions. Singleness has been given a bad bad case of the stigma-warts.

I bought the new issue of Utne....lights and sounds from heaven shine down on my copy, twinkling and pulsating appropriately.

We're going to Memphis on vacation!!!! So, yeah, that doesn't make me snarky, but it does get me very excited!

My ass is draggin'.....

This working 6 days a week thing is kicking my ass. I'm soo tired, darlings. I've been slacking on my workouts, and I've decided that if I don't work out BEFORE work it's never going to happen. I'm so slothful by the time I get home that I don't wanna do anything other than get horizontal and read (or be a total sloth and watch a bushel of TV). Speaking of TV, Constantine the Gross....aka, Connie (hi, Jeff), got kicked off tonight. There is a God and he's smiling at me and my favorites. Sing on Carrie Underwood and Bo Bice. Oh, and I'm going to get that Gavin Degraw CD tomorrow if it's the last thing I do. Then I'll be able to squirm whenever I want...at the push of a button.

Tomorrow is the last class meeting before I start giving final exams to my students. My Reading class is having a party, and I have every intention of eating myself into a carb-induced coma before I start working out again on Friday morning.

Today a woman came into the library...older, bad straw hat, yard-workin' clothes. She returned a book called, "How to Teach Your Dog to Behave." That started a conversation...me being a rabid dog lover and all. Well, I don't love rabid dogs...I love normal dogs rabidly. You know what I mean. Anyhow, I asked what breed of dog she has, which prompted her to tell me all about how her new Yorkie came from a puppy mill (unbeknownst to her), and now the WOMAN has a FUNGUS that she got from the dog. Said fungus can easily be transmitted to people and other animals through casual contact. Yeah, bring on the alcohol pads and Lysol. I have three dogs that have always been fung-free, but now that I work in a library we'll probably all get it. *scratch*

I'm going to bed. Wish me dreams of cheesecake and Gavin Degraw bein' my baby-daddy.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

The Secret History

After 14 days of reading snatches here and there, I've finally finished The Secret History, by Donna Tartt. I think I love it, but I'm going to wait until tomorrow to make my final decision on that. It's one of those books that takes you on a rollercoaster ride, and you need some time to come down from it.

Some snippets from my day:

Two of my classes are done for the semester, with the exception of their final exams next week. I'm pretty flippin' thrilled to see this hellish semester end. Unfortunately one student still can't make a complete sentence and doesn't know the difference between a paragraph and an essay. *throwing hands in air*

I got the contract for the grad assistantship today. It specifies that if one works an outside job it should be kept to 8 hours a week (who works 8 hours a week?) or the teaching of one course at another institution. My question is, what brainless work-Nazi decided these policies? What fucking business is if of theirs if I teach one course or three at another instituion? They're obviously not paying any bills or investing any money!

I came home around 1:00, and I've done nothing but clean up a little around here, shower, and read. Oh, and I took a break to watch American Idol and Sex & the City. Bo sang "I Don't Wanna Be" by the ever-sexilicous Gavin Degraw. I almost creamed myself. If I could have a threesome with anyone, it would have to be Amy Lee and Gavin Degraw. Now, if only I could talk him into doing something with that nasty hair.

On TV: Dolly Parton at the Grand Ole Opry
Song of Choice: Kill the Messenger, by Shawn Colvin
Reading: Bachelor Girl: A Social History of Living Single
In my head: Thunderbolts and lightning rods.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Did anyone see the girl who was supposed to sing the national anthems at a US/Canada hockey exhibition game?? She first screwed up the words to the Star Spangled Banner, so she apologized, left the ice, and returned with the words. The only downside....when she returned to the ice she busted her ass. Needless to say she didn't continue with the anthems.

What is sexy?

If you ask anyone what they find sexy you'll get every answer from BIG BOOBS!!! to MONEY!!! Here's a list of what I find sexy about a man....and this one is for you, ladies...what do you consider sexy?

In no particular order (except the first one):

Intelligence....whether it's practical life experience or wicked book-smarts.
Confidence, but not an overblown ego
A love of laughter and silliness
The ability to put the silly aside and get serious
Eye contact
Spontaneity
Respect for women
Loves and cherishes family
Boundaries
A strong work ethic
Open-mindedness
Responsibility
Tenderness

....and I'll leave all the sex stuff to your imagination.

On TV: Evanescence Live DVD
In my head: I don't even know anymore.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Library Oddities

I've worked at the library for all of 4 days now, and I've had a few strange incidents so far...

1) A guy that sounded a little....different....called yesterday asking if we buy movies. I thought, "Surely he doesn't mean in a HalfPrice Books/pawn shop kind of way," so I said, "We buy movies from distributors for the library." His voice fell noticeably...in a "Shit, there went my chance," kind of way. Since when are libraries pawn shops? I told him that we gladly take donations. He didn't go for it. *sigh*

2) There's a mildly attractive guy that comes in at least twice a day and borrows movie upon movie. At least six at a time (the max). He usually drops by in the early morning...usually no less than 15 minutes after we open, and he's normally back just after lunch or mid-afternoon to return some of the movies he rented in the morning and pick up another few to max him out again. I want to know what he does (or doesn't) do for a living. Probably not very profitable since he's gettin' his movie fix from the very under-stocked library shelves.

3) My mom stopped by Saturday, and she went back to the reference desk to find out where the true crime was shelved, and when M.A. (reference desk diva) said she'd show her and they were walking off, the bitchy woman waiting next in line said, "As opposed to crime that isn't true." Mom almost turned around and said, "That would be crime fiction!" What a cunt this lady was. People suck.

4) I answered the phone yesterday during a somewhat busy spell, and the woman on the line asked, "Are you smart?" ....*pause*...."Well, I get by," I replied. The reason she asked, she went on to explain, was because she wanted to know if I remembered "Roots" and did I know Kunta's dad's name? Even though we were busy I was nauseatinginly entertained by this, and I took the time to look it up on IMDB because it was the first thing that came to mind that would be quick enough to find it and get her on her way. She was asking.....*drum roll*....because she was doing a CROSSWORD PUZZLE!!!!

Stay tuned for more library oddities.....

On TV: Everybody Loves Raymond
MP3: "Broken"...Seether and my girlfriend...Amy Lee
Book: The Secret History...hot damn, I'm on page 361 with just under 200 to go.
In my head: He-who-shall-not-be-named (not Voldemort) and a particularly disturbing dream.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Where did I go?...

To answer Cher's comment, I'm still here! My weekend has been neither terribly exciting, nor terribly horrible. Just "eh."

I worked 8 hours yesterday at the library, and I have to say, I'm NOT a fan of working on Saturday. It was a mildly busy day (surprisingly) and while I had fun, I really wanted to be at home working out and reading. While I was at work Mom overhauled the back yard...planted some new things, bought some new stepping stones, mowed, trimmed bushes (my job!).

When I got home at 6:15 I checked out the yard changes...lovely! We had a fantastic dinner of cajun rice/shrimp stuffed chicken, black-eyed peas, and sweet potatoes. No carbs there. Riiiight! I took a shower, and I buried my nose in The Secret History, which is getting REALLY really good. I'll have lots of comments on it when I'm done....hopefully today. Oh, and I fell asleep at 10:15 last night and didnt' wake up until 9am. I still haven't been able to shake off this cold, and it's sapping my energy.

I'm about to get dressed so we can go buy the remaining flowers for the new flower bed and grab a salad for lunch somewhere. Arby's Santa Fe chicken salad sounds like heaven.

I'll be posting this afternoon or evening about some weird stuff/people at the library yesterday. I can tell this job is going to be endlessly entertaining.

*smooches to all*

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Edgeless?

Blogophiles, I fear I'm losing my edge. I wonder, as I lie awake in bed, if the snark is draining from my entries. After at least 15 minutes of serious contemplation I think I've come to the root of the problem:

I'm not pissed about ANYTHING!

That's it, folks. That's the key. I'm not riled, I'm not irked, I'm not even irritated. Not even a lil yeasty itchy action. I'm downright happy! I realize that happy is a good thing....the best thing, but it's like putting my writing into a spray-paint-fume-induced coma. As recently as a month or so ago I was laced with a bit of cynicism and bitchiness, but now I have two jobs I like, money, and I plant flowers regularly. Not to mention the fact that dogs relieve stress and anger and I have three of them.

In truth, this thought actually came to me last weekend when I saw an interview with Carl Hiaasen on one of those nightly news shows...Dateline, Primetime, 69/69, whatever. For those of you not familiar with Carl Hiaasen, he's a wildly successful author from Florida who writes the most fucked up crime/satire you can possibly imagine. Here's a short blurb about his latest book, Skinny Dip:

Hiaasen's signature mix of hilariously over-the-top villains, lovable innocents and righteous indignation at what mankind has done to his beloved Florida wilderness is all present in riotous abundance in his latest. It begins with attractive heiress Joey Perrone being tossed overboard from a cruise ship by her larcenous husband, Chaz—not for her money, which she has had the good sense to keep well away from him, but because he fears she is onto his crooked dealings with a ruthless tycoon who is poisoning the Everglades. But instead of drowning as she's supposed to, Joey stays afloat (on a wayward bale of marijuana) until she is rescued by moody ex-cop Mick Stranahan, a loner who has also struck out in the marriage department.

The blurb doesn't even begin to touch the wackiness of his situations and satire, but it'll have to do for now. Hiaasen commented, on the nameless news program, that he continues to come up with riveting storylines because he's mad. He's mad about the human sludge that continually seeps into Florida from crooked residents to cheesy tourists and the befucked state of the environment.

In the past I've found my most entertaining writing comes when I'm uproarious about something....the negative talk about chick lit., porn in general, women's issues, wacky-jacked news stories, you get the picture. Oh, and Jonathan Safran Foer...*priming flamethrower*. But, like I said, lately....even keel. This good mood thing is killin' me. I haven't worked on my book lately...haven't written any articles...haven't even been following the news that closely.

HELP!

What lights the creative fire under you, reader?? What coaxes you into putting out?

Friday, April 22, 2005

Opportunity knockers.....

I'm still sick, but I'm slightly more pleasant than I was this morning. I took a wicked 3-hour nap today, and I was afraid I wouldn't sleep tonight, but thanks to Tylenol Allergy Sinus I'll be off to sleepy-land sooner than expected.

After I surfaced from my blissful unconsciousness today I checked my e-mail, and I've officially been offered a graduate assistantship. Woot! I'll start off tutoring 20 hours a week in the writing center (worked there as an undergraduate), and after I get 18 hours of Masters credit I'll be in the classroom. Although it's frowned upon, I'm planning to keep my job at the junior college as well. Shhh! Don't tell anyone. Do you know what else this assistantship means??? INSURANCE!!!! Triple woot!

On TV: The Meaning of Food, on PBS
Music: Nada
Reading: Halfway through The Secret History
In my head: The dizzies

Thursday, April 21, 2005

I hate everything....because I can.

I'm sick. My head feels like a balloon, my eyelids feel like they have red-hot pokers behind them, and I'm coughing like a 90-year-old emphysema patient. I have to get better before 11:00. I have one hour and 55 minutes. I have to teach today. I have to juggle library books tomorrow and Saturday.

In the meantime, here are some things that peeve me. Feel free to add your own peeves.

-I hate the seals on the top of spice bottles. I almost never got the top off my cinnamon/sugar bottle this morning.

-I hate that sweets don't appeal to me as much as they used to. As I ate my cinnamon toasty treat this morning, I was secretly fantasizing about my grilled chicken salad from last night.

-I hate that I can't wear my hair down after I've offhandedly put it in a pontytail for a while. The bump. You girls know what I'm talkin' about.

-I hate that my strawberries are mysteriously dying.

-I hate that I can't run around outside in a t-shirt and panties more often. It's exhilarating.

-I hate that my feet have weak arches. It hurts like a mofo.

-I hate that people in Chicago really think there's a vision of the Virgin Mary on the wall of an underpass. It's a stain. A gross stain. Probably a pee stain.
Blogger can kiss my sphincter. They can lick the shoes of a pig-pen cleaner, diddle the niblets of a 100-year old hag with herpes, and I hope they get scabies.

:oP~~~~~~~~~~

I'll be back in the morning.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Book Group Blues

I'm already mourning the fact that once I start teaching summer classes and taking graduate courses I'll no longer be able to attend my monthly book club meeting. I've been going since October, and I've grown terribly fond of this outing.


As usual, I'm the youngest member of the group. Most of the others are in their 40's and up. We have a great time, though, as they're all pretty twisted...like myself. Here's the rundown of a few of my favorite members:

R: A perky, upbeat woman who calls me "Babes" and greets me with a hug and a kiss on the cheek every month. She's my favorite, for sure. She's just such a hoot, and has ultra-strong opinions. We just happen to agree on most things. :oD

J: An older lady who comes with R. They go to the same church. J is older, grown children, and she's lived EVERYWHERE. Her husband was in the service and she often talks about her time in the Phillipines, Minnesota, and a dozen other places. She's full of great stories, and she's got the sweetest way about her...but she's still a total fireball. I bet she's got her husband whipped.

MA: Our valiant leader. She's retiring in November and moving to New Mexico. She was driving through and liked the town, and she decided to move there! It's a university town, and it's at the foot of a mountain. She's going back to college to study history and philosophy...a woman after my own heart. She's very dry and refined....but also crazy. It always helps to have a crazy leader...helps discussion along.

JO: A wicked-sassy Texas gal, originally from this area. She works for the city and is bitter about it...hates books that are too fluffy, but isn't about to read anything over 400 pages. Constant entertainment.

T: By far the quietest of the group. She's polite, soft-spoken, but quick to slip in a zinger every now and then.

L: I think she might be Andrea Dworkin's long-lost cousin. Large woman, short almost-buzz-cuz-hair, veryyyy outspoken, and she's always nominating women's studies titles. They never get picked as group reads, but at least someone else is interested in them besides me.

Then theres me: the baby. We have a blast, and it's a given that we run over our time and take up space in the conference room. Tonight we voted on our next six months' worth of reads:

Plainsong, by Kent Haruf
Nights of Rain and Stars, by Maeve Binchy
The Patron Saint of Liars, by Ann Patchett
The Kite Runner, by Khaled Hosseini
The Same Sweet Girls, by Cassandra King
...and our classic: Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen

I'm excited about all but the Binchy and the King. I'm not opposed to either author, but they just don't sound like they're gonna float my boat. I've already read The Kite Runner and P&P, so those will be quick re-reads.

I'll stop bothering you with my bookishness now. Time to read a while and go to bed. It'll be a long day tomorrow.

On TV: ?
Music: Totally Adult Hits (various)...and NO, it's not porn music
Reading: the Tartt

P.S. I think my computer has a FUCKING VIRUS! I'll be deep scanning tomorrow after work. Ugg.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Library Peonship Begins....

As I type this I have gravel in my eyes, fire in my quads, and my feet feel like those of the Wicked Witch of the East? West? South? Wherever the hell she was from. You know, in The Wizard of Oz, when the house falls on her and her feet curl up so her witchy sister can't get the ruby slippers? Yeah, my feet feel like that.

I got up around 7 this morning to go for my workout before I got makeupped. Lovely morning....birds chirpling (new word), strangling humidity. I dodged the school kids waiting for the bus, came home, forced my hair into a straight mess instead of a curly mess, and I was off!

Got to the library at 9:00...learned how to open, and I found out I'll be getting a key when N goes on maternity leave. I'm getting a mad boner from the power trip...see 8=====o~~~ (blue balls). I realize that was gross. Leave me alone.

The short version of the morning:
Counted money
Sorted books
Checked in books
Sorted books
Checked out books
Sorted books
....you get the picture. There was much sorting to be done this morning, and the sorting happens at an odd angle for the back. I wanted to remove my own spine after all the bending and sorting. Perhaps Dr. Claw has a kit for that, too.

Went to lunch at one and here's how the afternoon shaped up:
Sorted books
Shelved books
Sorted books
Shelved books
Checked in and out books
Shelved books
Issued some new library cards
Shelved books

And then I went home.

Have you any idea how much stooping and crouching is involved in shelving books? I'm doped up right now to help me forget how much stooping and crouching is involved in shelving books. It all boils down to this: I'm spoiled to working two days a week...not on my feet. I'm now working 5.5 days a week, and out of those days I'll be on my feet for four days. But I'm making mad money. That's a consolation. And I no longer have to do any lunges....because, did I mention the stooping and crouching?

In all seriousness, the women I work with are hilarious, the eight hours passed by in two shakes (of a lamb's tail), and I think I'm really going to enjoy this. ME also offered me a position as the director of the Tuesday Night book group. I want it, but I doubt my grad school schedule will allow it. So much for being a leader. *sob*

My TV viewing tonight: The Bachelor (because it's so damn sick!), and SuperNanny (I wanna be Jo Frost).

Monday, April 18, 2005

Coming Soon....

Posts you can expect to see in the next few days:

A report on my first day as a library peon.
Anger and how it affects creativity....inspired by a Carl Hiaasen interview.
Jennifer Weiner update...she's torturing me.
Further recaps of Charlie the Moron from The Bachelor.

I wish you all sweet sleep and sexy dreams!

On TV: The Wedding Planner
CD: Not tonight...too sleepy.
Reading: The Secret History...always and forever.
In my head: An abundance of nose spray residue.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Bizzy Biznitch....



This weekend has been a flurry of activity, and it's not even Sunday yet.

Yesterday my mom took a day off in honor of her birthday, which is tomorrow. And I just forgot what the hell we did yesterday....

Five minutes elapsed time.

Ok, now I remember. We got up early, did our cardio, and went shopping. We whipped over to Rockwall and went to Target in search of gifts for Aaron's 2nd birthday. We bought him a crapload of the most adorable clothes ever and browsed around through the outdoor section and the books (suprised, anyone?). Mom had a hair appointment at 12:30 so we dashed out of Target and over to the therapist's office.....because aren't all stylists cheap therapists?? I know ours is. I love her. I'd keep her under my bed for those need-to-vent moments if she'd agree. After the cut we jeeped over to The Black-Eyed Pea for some meatloaf and squash casserole. Yay for the casserole, uggg for the meatloaf. I felt like a helium balloon after that foray into the underbelly of the culinary world. From now on I'm stickin' to the turkey and dressing. Came home, fiddled around the house, took a 15 minute power nap (unintentional), and then got dressed for an outing with Rachel. Her mother-in-law is sick with bronchitis, so I got her ticket to a Point of Grace concert. My Christian music listening has been pretty much limited to old faves like Jars of Clay, Watermark, and Destination Known for a longggg time, so it was good to be different. Point of Grace was amazing (oh the voices on those girls), but the real star of the show was Charity Vaughan. Her voice and style are like a cross between Joss Stone and Bonnie Rait. Very refreshing and sultry and fab. I will buy whatever CD she puts out whenever she does. Will be looking for it when I get done rambling here.

Today I woke up early, again, against my better judgement. Mom needed help getting Smidgen and Dash to the vet for their shots. I admit, they are a handful, so it's not like I could protest. Both pups were great....even when faced with an almost-hairless golden retriever with a fungus. Ugliest dog I've ever seen...but somehow charming. Dropped by Ernie's for BBQ on the way home, took an impromptu nap for the second day in a row (call the authorities!), and woke up with 10 minutes to get ready for Aaron's party. I managed....jeans, sandals, blue/green Bill Blass button-up. The party was adorable....Blue's Clues theme....and Aaron was mostly enamored with a foam rubber ball that he brought to the party. Ahhh, childhood. Ate cake and Blue Bell Birthday Cake ice cream (I'd shoot up with it if I could), and took tons of pictures. Came home, did more yard stuff: helped Mom put together a glass/metal dining table for the deck, arranged chairs, watered flowers, etc. Now I'm showered and rested and we had dinner on the deck (so nice), and I've been reading The Secret History. More to come about the book in a future post.

Tomorrow should be just as nutty. Church, Mom's birthday party, grading grading grading, and getting ready for my first library workday on Monday.

I'm going to bed, bitches!

**Note: Surprisingly, when you search Google Images for "biznitch" you get a picture of a great big almond.

TV: Saturday Night Live
CD: Bryan White

Friday, April 15, 2005

Happy birthday to Os!!!

Happy Birthday to Os!
Happy Birthday to Os'!
Happy Birthday to O-oooooos!
Happy Birthday to you.

I've got that Dr. Claw's all packaged up and ready to go. And if I slip in my income tax forms will you pick up the tab? ;o)

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Your Seduction Style: The Charmer
You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement.You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you.By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power.And then you've got them exactly where you want them!

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Frazzle Dazzle

Someone just shoot me....please?? Please, please??

a) I'm not feeling the work vibe today.

b) Edited for embarrassing content...and it's KICKING MY ASS RIGHT NOW!

c) I think I'm either developing carpal (carpel?) tunnel in my left wrist or I have an unborn twin nesting in there and he's restless.

d) Jonathan Safran Foer is reading at the Dallas Museum of Art tomorrow night. It's time to dust off my flamethrower.

e) Edited for embarrassing content....This is NOT attractive.

What I should be doing instead of blogging:

1) Making copies for my first lab (praying to God and all His friends that they just don't show up today)

2) Telling C-lo about my trip.

3) Going downtown to fill out library paperwork, but I forgot my deposit slips at home...so no direct deposit form for me today!

TV: none
Music: none
Reading: nothing
In my head: Prayer...lots of it. It's pretty much just begging by now.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Calling all lurkers...

If you've been hiding in the shadows, reading this blog in secret spurts of naughty pleasure, why not pop out and say hi?? Kinda like that asscrack a few posts back.

How did you end up here, reader?? Do you come here often? Can I buy you a drink? Would you like some suga?

On tv: Pamela Anderson on Ellen....she's in a show called Stacked. It's about a bookstore worker. This is total blasphemy, in my opinion.
Music of choice: Whatever's on satellite radio...preferably the Mix station.

Rejuvenation!

Thank you for telling me to shut the hell up and go on my trip. I arrived in Waco around 4:30, met D at his office, he took me to A's going away reception with the suits, I gave her a hug, and she told me she'd gimme the scoop at the "good" party. D and I trotted off to see the new buildings on campus, and there are a shitload of new ones. It's like the brick-n-spires jungle. The science building is breathtaking...or it was until he told me about the dead bods on the top floor....CREEPS! He showed me the North Village (first co-ed residence hall in Baylors 100+ year history). You could almost smell the sex from outside. Oh, and we checked out the Panhellenic center...aka the Cave of Sororities. Went to the motel, changed, talked a while, then we went to the mall and shopped for a perfectly fitting card for A-train and laughed over the cow figurine that I suggested he give to her and pass it off as a moose. We discovered a BIGASS Books-A-Million in the new mall next to Logan's and spent a good bit of time perusing the goods. We're both self-proclaimed dorks, so it was fun. Went to Logan's, didn't drink, but got high on life, and had the best buffalo chicken sandwich ever in the world. Went back to the 6, chatted, and he went home. I slept like a rock until the fucker next door slammed his front door and woke me up. Headed back home around 8, book shopped at Half Price, and arrived at the crib around 10:30. Called and ordered Mom's b-day cake, talked to Mom's 50th b-day planner (also known as my cousin), called the library and got my schedule for next week. I start Monday....working M, W, F, and Sat....8hr days. This will seriously cut into my blogging time...but I guess the money will make up for that. *sob*

I feel revived, rejuvenated, and totally naughty for leaving town on a week night (am I 80?).

More later....

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Asinineanimity in the News

WASHINGTON (AP) - LaVar Arrington criticized the Washington Redskins for a failing to support him during his recent knee injury, an injury that forced him to have another surgery last week.

"It's like nothing in terms of the support from them, it's like nothing," Arrington told reporters at Redskins Park on Monday. "It's like, just let me disappear and die."

I'm sorry! The news is really tickling me today. I have to comment on a few stories beginning with the aforementioned whining from Lavar Arrington. I don't know Lavar...I've never so much as heard of Lavar, but doesn't this sound like a bit of an irate psych ward patient or a teenage girl??? "JUST LET ME DISAPPEAR AND DIE!!" complete with hand swats, tears, and pink, lacey pajamas. I think he's probably wearing crab pants (or panties), too.

************************

Bush's iPod playlist is drawing scrutiny! It's well-established here that I'm not a Bushite by any means, but leave his damn playlist alone. It's just MUSIC! One source said:

One of that song's lyrics, "Such a dirty mind. Always get it up for the touch of the younger kind," prompted Spin magazine editor Dave Itzkoff to comment: "This wouldn't be consistent with Bush's image as protector of conservative values."

It's his iPod! He probably can't even understand the lyrics. He pronounces American "Amurca" and nuclear as "nucular." Gimme a break. Listening to "My Sharona" doesn't make you a panty-chaser.

Another source said:
The playlist does reveal a rather narrow range of babyboomer tunes. Writing in the London Times, Caitlin Moran noted: "No black artists, no gay artists, no world music, only one woman, no genre less than 25 years old, and no Beatles."

Is anyone really surprised?? I can't see Bushy flailing wildly to German house music.

Helloooo Jesus, Mary, and Moses!

There are dolls. Talking, Bible verse reciting Jesus, Mary Magdalene, and Moses dolls. Jesus and Moses's legs look a little stubby, but their upper bodies are fantastic. What say you?

Click HERE for full story.

Indecision Collision!

Indecision, indecision, indecision!!!

Should I go?? It would be so much fun, I could see the old boss before she moves (closer to me...that's the only weird part), and I'd get to visit my friend. I haven't been there in like three years....it's way overdue!! It's a totally rational scenario....work in the morning, drive a few joyful hours, hang out together for a few hours, party party, sleep, come back home Wednesday morning. Joyful trip. Not much time to catch up. But it's justifiable. Otherwise I have to wait a week or more.

*Addendum: I'm going. I'm so excited. I can't wait to leave!! I'm gettin' the hell outta Dodge!

On TV: Everybody Loves Raymond
MP3: Trapt....Echo
Reading: The Secret History, by Donna Tartt (tart!)
In my head: I WANNA GO! But maybe I should wait. FUCKKKK!!!

Monday, April 11, 2005

Ode to a Feminist Icon....

Andrea Dworkin, whose book, Heartbreak: The Political Memoir of a Feminist Militant, I read a few weeks ago, died on April 9th of unspecified causes.

Dworkin has been a force in feminism for ages, but I just found out about her a few years ago when my interest in feminism began to build. I've read little of her work, but I've read and heard mountains of opinions about her. Some thought her a total man-hating nutjob, and some thought she was a goddess. She had radical opinions, and she wrote radical material, and she was crucified and revered in equal measure. Whether you (or I) agree with her or not, she was a force to be reckoned with. I plan to read much more of her work...especially since I picked up Heartbreak...and I find myself saddened that she's gone.

For more info on Dworkin and links to her work check out:
http://www.nostatusquo.com/ACLU/dworkin/

A blurb from The Guardian:

Her radical-feminist critique of pornography began with her first book, Woman Hating, published when she was 27. She campaigned frequently on the subject, helping to draft a law in 1983 that defined pornography as a civil rights violation against women.

The law, later overturned by an appeal court as unconstitutional, was inspired by the case of Linda Marchiano, who as Linda Lovelace said she had had been violently coerced into pornography, including the film Deep Throat, but had no recourse to the courts.

The drive of Ms Dworkin's writing and activism was to break the silence around violence against women, but her wider career saw her become a figure of adulation and loathing in equal measure. To opponents she was an archetypal man-hater, killjoy and proponent of censorship, but supporters rallied to her impassioned lectures and books. Gloria Steinem, a fellow feminist, said she was one of a handful of writers each century "who help the human race to evolve".
*GIGGLE*

On TV: What Women Want
CD of choice: Dashboard Confessional Unplugged
In my head: Sunshine and daisies and cuddly puppies.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Advice to Live By...

1) Corral your ass crack before it pops up and waves hello to innocent bystanders.

2) If you can't sing, don't try it in public.
Subsection A) If you can't sing, but insist on trying it in public anyway, don't do it a cappella.

3) If your breasts touch anywhere in the neighborhood of your navel, don't wear a spaghetti strap tank with no bra outside your home.

4) If the best schtick you can come up with is to dress like a whorish woman and tell old jokes, give up stand-up comedy.

5) If you only know three songs, don't sing them over and over, month after month, at the small town opry; eventually people will stop coming.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

The Weekend Update

Hey all!

Not much to report the last few days that would be interesting to anyone but me. I've been pretty busy....a fundraiser last night for a local charter school's photography department (heard some fantastic local bands from here and Dallas including Dimmed, that I didn't get to see in Dallas last weekend), then Rachel's hubby's baseball game (got plenty of quality time chasing Aaron around. He's adorable!).

Today I woke up early, Mom and I kicked it for about an hour of cardio, went shopping for yard flowers, groceries, and we ate at Schlotsky's. Came home and planted flowers around the magnolia tree in the front yard, hung some baskets on the front porch, de-fungussed the strawberries, cleaned up the house, and tonight I'm volunteering at the hometown opry (gospel and country music...raising money for the historical society).

Thursday I got my "official" acceptance letter to graduate school, and today I got a $2,000 scholarship...catch is, it's a housing scholarship, and I don't intend to live on campus. Although, living on campus might not be so bad...meet new peeps, be close to the library, closer to Amanda, and next door to the fitness center. Still thinking about it.

Finally started and stuck to a book: My Dream of You, by Nuala O'Faolain...the best name in the world.

Will be back tonight or tomorrow with some snark. It's been building.

On TV: Ghostbusters
CD of choice: Josh Groban's first one...just forgot the name

Literary Comic Delight

Click here for a goofy cartoon starring Candace Bushnell, Jonathan Lethem, Michael Chabon, and plenty of Jonathan Franzen/Oprah fun.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Minutiae...

Thanks for all the nice congrats messages! Here's a little bit about the job:

I'll be starting out in circulation until summer officially starts (until kids are out of school, in other words). Probably start next week sometime. When summer kicks in I'll be doing community stuff...card drives, story times, etc. And they may use me at one of the local elementary school running one of the summer reading programs. I'm tickled! they said it might turn permanent in the Fall, and if my grad assistanceship doesn't come through it'd be a sweet deal. We'll see. I'm so excited. I can't wait to fondle the books...like I don't do that already.

In other news, I cannot, for the life of me, settle on a book to read. Right now I'm bouncing back and forth and back between Vanity Fair, I Capture the Castle, and the Bible. I've not been readin' much Bible...I'm on Genesis 20. Ha!! I may ditch everything else and just focus on it. It's gonna take me long enough as it is!

Fitness update: 3 more pounds and I could crack walnuts with my calves.

I have another question for the Catholics in the rafters. I read on CNN.com yesterday, when I was skimming through the burial arrangements, that the Pope had been "prepared for burial but not embalmed." Not to be morbid, but as a forensics nut how the crap is that gonna work? Was there herb rubbing that I'm not aware of to keep him fresh?? The whole situation seems a little scary. Mold me, shape me, inform me.

Jonathan Safran Foer (insert stabbing sounds here) is in the New York Times for the third week in a row now *eyes roll back in head*. More on that later. Who is he screwin'???

The BAYLOR UNIVERSITY women's basketball team beat Michigan State for the NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP!!! A big hoot for my Bears. Victory is sweet...especially when it's the first national title EVER! Sic 'em bears!

Avril Lavigne, the "punk" pop princess who always raved against those blonde Britney knockoffs is now gracing the cover of this month's Cosmo with...you guessed it...blonde hair and her stomach hanging out of a black corset. Oh Avril....you've sold your soul to the Clairol execs haven't you?? *sniff*

I found a new book (the one good thing to come out of my NY Times reading today) called The Men Who Stare at Goats, by Jon Ronson. Here's a blurb...sounds too good to be true:

This exploration of the U.S. military's flirtation with the supernatural is at once funny and tragic. It reads like fiction, with plenty of dialogue and descriptive detail, but as Ronson's investigation into the government's peculiar past doings creeps into the present-and into Iraq-it will raise goose bumps. As Ronson reveals, a secret wing of the U.S. military called First Earth Battalion was created in 1979 with the purpose of creating "Warrior Monks," soldiers capable of walking through walls, becoming invisible, reading minds and even killing a goat simply by staring at it.

And, last, fate has kept me from watching my favorite shows for the last two days. Last night, right after the first American Idol performance, a big storm came up and knocked out the cable. I had a rage-induced seizure. But my cousin brought cookie dough, so it turned out OK. Today Cynthia Nixon (Miranda from Sex & the City) was supposed to be on Ellen, but what happened???? Our power went out for an hour and a half. It's a conspiracy I tell you. The American Idol incident last night did prompt me to visit Television Without Pity today, though. It was my first time, and I'm completely captivated. Here's the last bit from the Idol recaplet:

Altogether: the Carrie song threw off my circadian rhythms for good so now I'll be sleeping every third hour for seventeen minutes at a time, Bo Bice is unmistakably Bo, Simon thinks calling somebody queer is a put-down instead of a total compliment, and I will one day wed Nadia Turner and we will live in a huge house and Constantine will clean our pool and I will train our children to wait until he's balanced at the edge of the pool and then hurl insults and tuna salad at him from the second story. And when he cries, we will point and laugh, because pouting is for suckers.

On TV: no TV
MP3 of choice: John Prine and Nancy Griffith....The Speed of the Sound of Loneliness
Book: We already discussed this
In my head: Strawberry plants

P.S. I was shooting for the ugliest color combos possibly imaginable. How'd I do?

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

I GOT THE JOB!!!!! *happy dance* and more later. The electricity's out, and I'm trying to save laptop battery here!

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

SuperNanny: Preventing Pregnancies Everywhere....

SuperNanny, hands-down, is my absolute favorite reality show. In case you've never seen it, here's the run-down.

Jo Frost, the hottest nanny on earth (yes, I have a girl-crush), rides up in her swank British taxi to the home of whatever dysfunctional turdlets she has to deal with this week. Problems range anywhere from Mom's doling no discipline, Dad's doling no discipline, and kids with obvious mental shortcomings (like they're sociopaths).

Jo the Brilliant spends a day observing the family's normal routine and taking notes on the most pressing problems. In last night's case, the kids cursed at the parents, were physically violent to one another and the mom, and they even SPIT in mom's face. As we watched, my mom and I plotted all sorts of hard-to-prove methods of murder to bump these asswipes off. My jaw has never hit the floor so many times during the span of one TV show.

After the initial observation Jo the Luscious spends several days helping the helpless 'rents implement life-changing techniques to reel their hellions back into the realm of socially acceptability. It always works. Never doubt Jo.

The parents are set free with the kids to implement the techniques, Jo watches from her hidden location (I think I saw Dick Cheney in the background last week), and then she returns for one sparkling day to critique the parents, troubleshoot, and put a glowing gold star on it all.

Sounds pretty ho-hum? Let me run down the major pros of this show:

1) First and foremost, it's boosting the confidence of millions of parents world wide. Parents are watching this show, laughing their asses off, and feeling like rocket scientists. As well they should in comparison to these poor shmucks.

2) It's really cheap birth control. For those of us with no children, we're willing to go seek out Dr. Claw's Home Uterus Removal Kit just to avoid having kids like that, EVER!

Everybody wins!!

Monday, April 04, 2005

Technology...Always Making an Ass of Itself

It might seem hypocritical of me to say that technology really bugs the hell out of me sometimes....especially when I'm sitting here typing this on my laptop, but this time cell phones and digital cameras are the culprit.

I was watching the move of John Paul II's body to St. Peter's Basilica, and as he was brought out into the open before the crowd of thousands, I was more than prepared to be moved to tears by an overwhelming wave of applause from his followers.

What did I see instead?

A sea of digital cameras and cell phones with built-in digital cameras. Does that seem completely innappropriate to anyone else? I realize that the audience wanted a keepsake....something to mark this historical event...the passing of a Pope that is the only one most of them have ever known....but, come on! Applaud for a good while before you start scrambling for a good shot. Better yet, go home and download one of the thousands of pictures from any and every news website imaginable. If you don't have a computer, get a friend to do it. Buy a newspaper, but don't take a picture at the procession!!!

John Steinbeck twirls in grave...attempt #2...

Apparently the three libraries in Salinas, CA, John Steinbeck's hometown, are scheduled to be closed. I'm exhausted, but I had to post about this before I sleep. Given my love of all things books it is annoying enough when ONE library closes, but THREE? I'd rather have my nipples bitten off by a rabid Mary Kay consultant.

Click here for full story.

On Writing...subtitle: Crippling Insecurity

My first article submission (OK, not the first first, but the first one in a long time) rolled out today, and I'm gonna throw up! Keep your fingers crossed for the next 4-12 weeks that Chick Lit.: Making a Feminist Statement finds a home. In reality I know it's highly unlikely that I'll get anything published until I make approximately 400 failed attempts. This is the first in a long line of requests for my readers to cross all crossable body parts.

I haven't worked on the book much for the last couple of weeks. I use my workout time every day to think about the plot, and I've decided that I'll probably have to scrap the four chapters I've worked up so far, keeping the better bits, and rework things. It gets off to a slow start, and that's the last thing that a first book can get off to. I've figured out a way to start off with more of a bang (there's a pun there, but you won't know until you read the book) and still work in the material I've already got. So, to make myself feel better, I'm really not scrapping my material...I'm redistributing. Ahh, yesh, much better. My ego is happier now.

On a totally unrelated note:
My mom was talking to our neighbor that lived across the street at our last house (the house at which the formerly beautiful Bradford pear tree now looks like a radioactive stalk of broccoli). Her grandson attends the junior college where I teach, after a year away at UT-Arlington, and he was asking what my last name was. She told him my name, blah blah, and he said he wanted to come introduce himself because he's "heard that I'm a great teacher and really fun." I told Mom to tell him to come by. I always love meeting admirers, and maybe he'll spread the word and my summer classes will make. Woot! Joking aside, it made my day much better and makes me think that maybe I'm doing some good. I've felt a bit slothful this semester, but maybe I did OK after all.

On another totally unrelated note:
I've rediscovered my complete obsession with David Gray (guitarish, folkish singer on Dave Matthews' ATO label). I went through a whole David Gray phase in college....sophomore year, I believe. I was an art student at the time, and I remember spending hours (meaning at least 7 at a time) in the studio working on still life drawings, paintings, weird pen/ink/coffee wash pieces. I ALWAYS had my headset with me to drown out the mutterings of the yuppie idiots that surrounded me (very rich school, remember...Hummers everywhere, and take that however you'd like). Most of the time there was a Dave Matthews, Shawn Colvin, Nickel Creek/Tracy Chapman/mix, or David Gray CD playing. They were just the right tempo to get me worked up but not so worked up that my hand would fly off. There was something (and still is) so seductive about getting completely enamored with a work of art in progress. I would lose track of time, I would listen to the CD 5 times without realizing it, I would exhaust myself completely, but it was the closest thing to ecstacy I've ever experienced. I still get something very closely akin to that feeling when I'm writing or doing a number of other intellectually challenging things, but nothing compares completely to art.

A piece of the song I've been listening to for the last several nights at bedtime:

Standing at the door of the pink flamingo
Crying in the rain
It was a kind of so so love,
And I’m gonna make sure it doesn’t happen again.

You and I had to be the standing joke of the year.
You were a run around,
A lost and found.
And not for me I feel.

Take your hands off me, please
I don’t belong to you, you see.

Take a look in my face, for the last time.
I never knew you., you never knew me.
Say hello, goodbye.

Say hello and wave goodbye.

TV: off
CD: Davey Gray
Book: Deal with It!, by Paula White
In my head: Ativan dreams and migrazone longings.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

It's a weener!

Another movie makes it to my all-time faves list! Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was....well...spotless! I've posted a short review at PR, and I'll be sharing more rampant thoughts here soon.

http://ProjectileReviews.blogspot.com

Friday, April 01, 2005

Factoids and Opinionoids

Snippets...compliments of me....

The sexiest voice on radio right now: Gavin Degraw singing I Don't Wanna Be

Song I hate to like and that gets stuck in my head for no reason: Get Right....Jennifer Lopez. It's the sax bit.

I'm reading: The Bible. I've never read it all, and I wanted something with religious overtones. Well, I found it!

Worst book I've read this year: Angels & Demons, by Dan Brown. Although, it did get me interested in some workings of the Catholic Church. Like the papal conclave, etc.

Movie I'm craving: Stigmata

I'm seeing a pattern here.

Most interesting interview I've seen lately: Lisa Marie Presley on Oprah. She had some interesting things to say about former hubby, Michael Jackson.

Topics on my mind to post about:
The Good Body, by Eve Ensler
Book review review sites

On TV: CNN
Music of choice: Seether and Amy Lee....Broken
In my head: snot

The Why's of Teacherliness.....

I just woke up from a delicious nap, so wish me luck posting this with any semblance of clarity.

Yesterday I was talking with a friend that I hadn't spoken to in quite some time. We were catching up on any and everything under the rainbow, when the question of my work situation came up.

"So...you're teaching now?"...lip beginning to curl...."Whyyyy?" Then he got this look on his face as if he'd smelled a rotten corpse somewhere in the building. Between the lip curl and the corpse look I was mildly taken aback.

"Umm, yeah. I teach at a junior college! I like it!" (as if to point out that I don't teach dogs how not to poop on the carpet...I teach people! Real ones!).

The more I pondered this little interlude the more irked I got. I've noticed a few categories of responses when you tell someone you're a teacher...whether it's high school, or middle school, or college.

1. Those who give you a genuine smile and say, "Wow, I can say shit in front of an English teacher!" and think it's cool that you're helpin' people. Those are my faves...*waving at Rachel*. Right after I got my high school gig she sent me a note with the previous quote in it. hehe That's one of my favorite stories.

2. Those who give you the curl and the snarl because anything to do with teaching is peon work and you're obviously a slave putting on a show, like dancing monkey, for a bunch of basket cases.

Now, there is one small addition to these categories once you start telling people you teach college...

3. "Wowwww!..*goggly eyes*" As if you're holding a magic golden dildo that you might use to smite them.

Teaching is one of the most noble professions, in my opinion. And I don't say that to toot my own horn because I still have trouble seeing myself as a grownup and, thus, as a teacher and something of a role model for some of my students. When I was teaching high school I really had to do the role model thing. Many of my kids (yes, they're students, but I called them my kids, kiddos, babies, etc.) were considered "at risk" and had shitty lives at home. It was a true challenge to wrangle their little heads into anything resembling an attentive state on a daily basis. We studied grrreat stuff, as I was teaching World Lit. to sophomores. Hormones raging, boyfriend troubles, girlfriend troubles, tryouts, sports egos, hunger, hyperactivity...LOTS of challenges. It was a whoooole different animal than what I'm doing now. I respect elementary-high school teachers for their pure will to teach and patience...not to mention their knowledge of their subject (although there are always one or two that don't have a damn clue), and their devotion to spreading knowledge and improving the lives of students. It was THE hardest job I've ever had. And, I can honestly say, I don't know that I ever wanna work that hard again!

Now I go into classrooms with much tougher audiences. High school kiddos love you if you truly love them, and they know if you're scammin'. College students come in with, "Hey teach, show me whatcha got!" And if you've got the goods they'll pass the word on to their friends and your classes will continue to make in the future. They also know if you care about them and care about your job, but some of them don't really give a crap...they're just there for the hours. Thus, the challenge is the same in most ways: engaging minds and filling them up with all the stuff you need to cram in there. You still have to come up with new and interesting ways to present material, meet the standards of numerous higher-ups (the state, your institution, etc.), and spend lots of hours outside of class planning and grading. You have to have a large bank of knowledge because those peeps can come up with some killer questions, and you've gotta plan your heart out or they'll find alllll the holes.

The perks of teaching college: Wearing jeans, working 2 days a week, the ability to let class out early if you feel like crap.

Teaching, in general, is a personally rewarding experience. While it's mostly thankless (as evidenced by the snarlies) there are some shining moments that remind you that you're doing some good. Sometimes it comes from an inspired student who realizes their ability has expanded, and sometimes it's from a parent, or sometimes it's even from a boss or co-worker. I get excited about teaching because I'm excited about English! I love to write, and I love to read, and I love sharing even just a little bit of that with my students. My job is funnnnn! Snarl at that.