Thursday, June 30, 2005

Closer to Nekkid

I got my digital camera!!

Yep, the first recent picture of me in a longggg time. This one was taken about an hour ago. If you want more recent than that, I can't help you.

Half Nekkid Thursday: The Nekkidest You'll Ever See Me

Half-Nekkid Rewind

Since no one seemed to appreciate my baby picture, this is what you get to look at until I get my digital camera today.

*shakes fists*

But I'm secretly very excited about a new toy.

Death, anyone?

Being sucked dry by leeches isn't so bad.
You will be sucked dry by a leech. I'd stay away
from swimming holes, and stick to good old
cement. Even if it does hurt like hell when
your toe scrapes the bottom.

What horrible Edward Gorey Death will you die?
brought to you by Quizilla

Shamelessly thieved from Fence.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Chat Me Up and Piss Me Off

I just got into something of a cat fight with my mother over whether or not blogging is the same as chatting. I get really prickly and my bitchtitude rises to code red level when I get the " mean like chatting???" comments.

A couple of reasons:

When I was younger and stupider I was an avid chatter. Excite Chat...that was where 'twas at. I had 40 year old men all over my virtual ass all the time. I blew (most) of them off, and not a night went by that I didn't get at least 10-15 "a/s/l??" questions. For those of you never inducted into the hell-fire world of chat that means age/sex/location.

There was normally an air of scumminess about chatting. Any number of people would pop up a private message beginning with "Are you horny?" or "What color are your panties?" Yeah, should've never been chatting at a vulnerable age. It was rare to find a group actually chatting in an open room. Private messages were much more popular for a number of mind-bending and wholly yucky reasons.

So, yeah, I don't associate blogging with chatting. This blog thing started with me wanting to journal more. I'm a horrific journaler on paper. I tend to talk about my love life in my journal and it winds up a maudlin tangle of my childish loves and lusts. I'm not nearly as likely to discuss feminism or books I'm reading in a paper journal. I also wanted to start writing more when I started blogging, and this has become a way to find my writerly "voice." I let my personality flood my blog...good and bad...and it's helped my writing immensely.

So, to all those who think blogging is comparable to typical chatting, I give you the finger. It may be chatting, but it's the smart (or smartass) person's chat.

By the way, a big THANK YOU to Ago-go for the cute panties! I LOOOOVE THEMMMM!! They say, "Librarians do it quietly." I'll be wearing them while I cuddle up to my "Book lovers never go to bed alone" pillow!!!

Did I just fuck up my whole point?

On TV: Dancing with the Stars
Reading: The Soul of Sex and gods in Alabama


Smidgen is old, shaking, and has a chronic case of the poops.

I had a sex dream to rival the *worst* romance-gone-wrong novel last night.

I have to work with idiots all day long.

I don't know what I want for breakfast, so I probably won't have anything for breakfast and I'll starve until 1:00 or 2:00.

I feel a fat day coming on.

*whine whine bitchety whine*

On TV: Weather report.
Music: Still stuck on Rascal Flatts.
Reading: Dunno yet...maybe another Jennifer Crusie.
In my head: Excedrin.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

My eyes are going to fall out....

...from reading most of the day. I did stop for a swim around 1:00. I have a class (last class for Summer I) in half an hour yet I'm here blogging. My addictions have reached new lows.

And I'll be finishing my 4th romance novel in almost as many days when I get home.

More later.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Epileptic schmepileptic...or maybe I am!

My mom has been telling me for years to watch for signs of epilepsy. She was diagnosed in her early 20's and hasn't ever had a problem with wicked, tongue-biting seizures, but she's had headaches and blackouts.

Lately I've been having "weird headaches", and today is a weird with a capital "whew." It's that sensation of slow motion that really bugs the snot out of me. I move my head and it takes my eyes about 3 seconds to catch up. As I told L here working with's almost like being slightly drunk...but not fun. In addition to the headache I keep having what feels like little blackouts. I'm not blacking out, but it's like little brain blips. My eyes might roll back in my head and run for the border any moment. Maybe if I pass out I can go home early.

Mucky Monday

I have to take dog poop to the vet's office on the way to work. No one ever tells you these things when you go adopt the cute lil ball o'fluff.

In other news, I finished Welcome to Temptation yesterday, and it was supremely wonderfully wonderful. I also read The Pleasure Master yesterday and was mildly surprised that there wasn't a full-on sex scene until page 300-something. It was really cheesed up with Scottish accents and the like. I have much fodder for my impending romance novel post.

I swear, I'm not normally like this, but apparently my hormones are on FIRE! Someone get the hose!

Quote of the day: "Don't diagram my fantasies."

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Taggy goodness....

I lurv these...Thanks to Amanda for tagging me!

10 Years Ago:
I was reading R.L. Stine and L.J. Smith and Stephen King.
I was dating my first boyfriend...the moron.
My mom and I didn't get along as well as we do now.
I was involved in EVERYTHING in school...including sports for about 5 seconds.
I hid in a closet full of booze bottles (art) with Cherbear and Clack and we fooled our GT teacher into thinkin' we weren't at school. We took pictures, too.

5 Years Ago:
I was a moron.
My dad had been dead almost a year.
I went through my first really wild stage.
I was a Baylor girl...but not the snooty kind.
I was an artist.

I sang Mama Loves Mambo at the circulation desk.
I went swimming in my black swimsuit.
I let my hair curl.
I read some more *good* sex scenes to fuel my sex scene/romance post.
I sniffed candles.

Is my one day off.
I'm in my pajamas.
I'll be cleaning the fish tank.
And reading more sex.
And dusting.

Three Favorite Snacks:
Spicier Nacho Doritos
Seedless red grapes
Fajita chicken on captain's wafers

Three Favorite Songs (at the moment):
Fast Cars and Freedom (Rascal Flatts)
I Probably Wouldn't Be This Way (Leann Rimes)
Thoughtless (Evanescence and Korn)

Three Favorite Locations:
My bed
Topsail Island, North Carolina (beach...small beach)
Any large bookstore

Three Bad Habits:
Cursing like a sailor
Not exercising as much as I should (but it's hot outside!)
Flipping my hair around

Three Things I'd Never Wear:
Yellow gold
A straw hat
A Bush/Cheney shirt

Three Favorite Shows:
Desperate Housewives
Dancing with the Stars
House Hunters

Three Favorite Movies:
Gone with the Wind
Sweet Home Alabama
Frida (and many many more)

Three Famous People I'd Like to Meet:
Tom Cruise for a chat about the history of psychiatry and a good bitch slap
Kate Winslet
Ellen Degeneres

Three Joys In My Life:
My peeps (cheating: mom and friends)

It's too late for this shit!!!

Too late...meaning too late at night!

I had a wonderful conversation with D for the last two hours....I get up and look in my fish tank at the 15 baby snails (that I now have because my snails are hornier than sailors) and what else do I see??? FISH LICE! How does this shit happen to my fish?? My fish that are socially retarded and that I don't even really like except for the fact that I've had them for almost one whole socially retarded year. So, the treatments midnight. I could be reading about Sophie and Phin and almond oil, but no....I'm treating parasites. It's my own fault for not cleaning the tank more. I'm a bad mother.

In other news I've taken the headlong leap into full-on trashy romance. As soon as I finish Welcome to Temptation I'm going to start The Pleasure Master, by....get this...Nina Bangs! NINA BANGS!!! This provided me with big honkin' laughs all day long. I've never read a book with nipples on the cover, but I want to fully experience the difference between good romance and sucky romance...between good sex scenes and sucky...umm, scenes. It's all in the spirit of research you see. You see...don't you?

On TV: That show with Uma Thurman as a chick-cop.
Music: Rascal Flatts...Fast Cars and Freedom
Reading: Welcome to Temptation, by Jennifer "I'm almost a Goddess" Crusie
In my head: Total disgust for fish lice.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Weirdness at the 'brary!

Yesterday a woman came in with a problem. The tape she checked out from us was stuck in her VCR. The clincher: she brought in the whole VCR. In a bag. To the circ desk. A laugh-my-ass-off attack was had by all. She took it on to get it fixed and brought the tape back later in the day...unscathed and having avoided a very nasty late fee.

And the Normans (Warrens) were delightful yesterday. As always. But no one told me they loved me.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Twinkie tag...

Heather (my twin) tagged me for this juicy little book lust exercise, and I'm happy to do it.

How many books do you own?:
Hundreds. Literally hundreds. They're in two large'ish bookcases in the living room, one jam-packed bookcase in my bedroom, more spilling out on the floor, and they're crammed into storage bins in closets and elsewhere, too. I love books, and I've done surprisingingly well cleaning some out in the last few years. I pat myself on the back.

Last book I bought: Plainsong, by Kent Haruf. I have little desire to read it aside from the fact that it's the group read for my next book discussion group. I gave $11.00 for it this morning and then this afternoon it showed up on the cart of new books to be shelved. Fuckers.

Last book I read: Charlie All Night. Love it! I brought home another of her books today: Welcome to Temptation. It's a summer lovefest to get me out of my slump.

Five books that mean a lot to me:

1) The Hours, by Michael Cunningham - A poignant, moving, emotional ride. I think you need to be a woman to truly appreciate it.

2) The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant - Another one whose greatness is amplified if you're full of estrogen. All the period talk in the beginning would have Os out for the count in 5.4 seconds.

3) The Alchemist, by Paulo Coehlo - This very simple story helped pull me out of one of the longest and most horrible fuck-ups of my life. The message is simple: follow your dreams and do what really makes you happy. Another good one by Coehlo is The Valkyries.

4) The Beauty Myth, by Naomi Wolf - Helped make me more comfortable in my own skin, and it inspired me to start writing again.

5) Good in Bed, by Jennifer Weiner - And her other book, In Her Shoes, too. I know, that's cheating. Weiner made me realize that I was a book snob...especially when it came to chick lit. which also led back to me writing more and thinking outside my own preconceived ideas. She's hella funny, too.

I could go on and on and on about the big nasty bunch of classics I love, but I'll stick with contemporary. And this is a very small sampling of my contemporary faves, too. Another short list of faves:

The Secret History (Tart)
What I Loved (Hustvedt)
The Robber Bride (Atwood)
The Blindfold (Hustvedt)
Pope Joan (Cross)
....and on and on and on to eternity.

My name is Andi and I'm a bibliophile.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

I read a romance novel....

...and now I need a cold shower. Thank you, Jennifer Crusie, for busting me out of my reading slump and gettin' me all horned. Thanks a LOT!

Upcoming post:
Sex scenes--what makes a good one? (applies to the written word only)

TV: Hicks with guitars.
Music: More hicks with guitars.
Reading: Nothing, now that I finished Charlie All Night in one fell swoop.
In my head: Hot pig sex.

Half Nekkid Thursday: A Piercing Peep Show

My tongue ring shortly after I got it. My tongue was green. Yes, green. Mint Listerine every hour will do that to a girl.
I no longer have the ring. Don't get too excited.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005


I'm in an all-around funk. My attention span is the length of Michael Jackson's dick, I'm uninspired, and generally blah. BUT, I did find my Haunted (Poe) CD. That makes me very perky indeed. I could almost stone myself for not catching her at The Engine Room in Houston in 2002. Bad me!

I'm tempted to re-read an old favorite to get my juices flowing. I have the urge to read, but picking up something new and unconquered makes me quease. I have a slight urge to re-read The Alchemist for a bit of new age philosophical find-your-dreams dogma shot. Or, I could pick up The Hours and be reminded of the fact that I'm not cut out for children yet. Or, I could re-read some old Edgar Allen Poe to go along with my Poe CD. Or even her brother's book, House of Leaves, for a supremely delicious creep and another nice accompaniment to the CD.

Last night one of my students was lamenting the fact that she doesn't know exactly what she wants to do with her life. "Welcome to the club," was my response. Yes, I know I want the MA and maybe the Phd and I want to teach, but doesn't everyone still have those moments when they think there's MORE? They're missing something or refraining from doing something they've always thought they'd do or longed to do. Yeah, I'm young, blah blah. Plenty of time. I'm also the least patient person I know.

You thought you could keep me from lovin'
You thought could feed on my soul
But while you were busy destroyin' my life
What was half of me has become whole.

A lil Poe fo' ya. The girl, not EA.

She's so deliciously spacey and creepy. Another in-the-runner for the lesbian wife position. She's too good to be a girlfriend.

A few more Poe niblets:

And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head


I go wild 'cause it doesn't make sense
For me to cry out in my own defense
Wild 'cause I would do anything
To tear you off your precious fence

So this is what it's like living in limbo
First I'm high then I'm so low


Been there done that
(Say what?)
Get the hang of it
Get screwed
I screw you I had a whole lot of fun with it
I've had enough now so you better take a bow
It's gonna be a new experience if you wanna play with me

Daisy chains and maryjanes
Happy ending fairy tales
Cannot fool me now

*From my personal favorite screw you song: I'm Not a Virgin Anymore

Reading: What did I just say?
In my head: All that is vile and vindictive.

P.S. The dark lady, of profile fame, is back. Much better.

I have the queases....

Uggg, I have a queasy feelin' this morning.

I'm skipping out on a few hours of work this morning. Smidgen, our 15-year-old schnoodle, has been sick. We made a vet's appointment for her this morning but now she's fine, so we decided she doesn't need to go. I took off the morning from work. Do I go? Do I stay home? I vote for stay home, but my tummy says otherwise. I hate being such a fuckin' moral person. Well, except for the fact that I'm willing to take advantage of my very old dog to stay away from work for the morning. I feel so despicable.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Reasons 448-666 zillion that I hate the library....

Yesterday was one of those "let Andi do everything" days at the 'brary. My supervisor makes no argument against the fact that she hates working the desk. She stays in her office and watches DVD's on her portable DVD player and frolicks around the internet all day. Or, if she wants to look legit, she lets work at the interlibrary loan desk pile up so that it takes all day to clear away.

Examples of her laziness:

Approx. 30 interlib. loan books came in since Friday. They all had to be processed and the patrons had to be called. I was left at the circ desk to hold things down on my own. Keep in mind, Monday is our busiest day. She offered to process the books and just let me call the patrons, but did it work that way? Nope. They sat there until I finally did them ALL. In between taking care of patrons and checking in/out, literally, hundreds of books. Oh, and I called all the fucking patrons, too. Oh, and all of the teen volunteers because boss lady is taking them to a 1:00 movie on Thursday.

The director (Snowflake's lov-er) is a moron of the most astonishing sort. While I was busy taking care of the ILL books, he came up and said, "What do you think about changing the name of the library?"

I laughed. Thought he was kidding. Thought, "This pissant can't really want to change the NAME OF THE LIBRARY after a month and a half on the job!" I laughed some more.

To my supreme disappointment and astonishment, he's serious! The library, like most, is named after a rich dead guy. A guy who still has hordes of family in town. Director-man thinks it would be titilating if we took the man's first initial out of the name of the library. Just to make it flow a little better.

If directors have nothing better to do than have the columns painted, work in the memorial garden, and think up ideas like changing the name of the library, I want that job. I want it now so I can be useless and hilariously moronic and bang the volunteers.

I'm told that I won't care so much about stupid people and injustice in the workplace as I age. I'm not convinced. I think I'll probably just become more bitter and start staging miniature explosions in my home.

On TV: Today Show book club.
Music: Hammers and saws next door. The neighbors are adding on.
Reading: Shit.
In my head: You don't want to know.

Monday, June 20, 2005


The new issue of UTNE is out! Since I can't seem to read a book lately, this is what I'll be taking to lunch with me. It looks oh-so yumalicious.

Astounding quote o'the weekend....

As I sat, bar-fly-like, with my friend Rachel, Saturday night all the way through my apple sour and halfway through my Long Island iced tea, I looked out at the sea of anorexic Abercrombie worshippers and one statement came to mind:

"Rachel, these girls all look like tampons."


On TV: Zantac commercial
Music: Bubble gum pop
Reading: NOTHING...damnit!
In my head: The stocks and a pointy stick.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Post-intoxicated ramblings...

The Salon Friday night was sort of a smashing success. Or maybe I should say it has the potential to be a smashing success. There were only three of us there....Reference Diva, myself, and Pat...a wonderfully intelligent former northerner who enjoys the low blood pressure way of life found in smallish town Texas. We talked about snippets of possible future conversations because we know we're going to meet again. The professor that I was looking forward to rubbing on is out of town, another integral member unexpectedly had family pop by, and most of the others didn't come because those key missing members were their link to the group. Sheep! I'm excited about the possibilities for this group. Our current array of possible topics include (but are not limited to) the meaning of feminism, misuse of language, education in general, the difference between porn and erotica, and the others slip my mind at the moment.

In other news, I went to a concert with Rachel last night. Our friend Lauren's hubby David has a band. I've mentioned them here before. They play in Dallas semi-often, etc. They rented out the bar of a local restaurant and packed the place last night. I've officially found a new favorite drink: amaretto sour. OH MY GOD! And I drank about 3 times the drinks I usually have. The selection included apple sour, amaretto sour, and long island ice tea. I will say, right off the bat, that I'm a very cheap drunk, and that was enough to get me fuzzed for a few hours.

I had a wild urge to post all about my personal business and the wonderfulness that is _____ last night, but I promptly went to bed to prevent myself from embarrassing my...self.

This morning it's off to Cracker Barrel. I'm taking my mom to lunch later for Father's Day. That's a whole other post. Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there that don't suck ass.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Finding Ciardi...

Everyone thought I was completely off my rocker for teaching Dante's Inferno to 10th graders. What can I say? I was a rebel when it came to teaching World Literature. For those not familiar, Inferno is the story of the main character's (also named Dante) trip through hell on his way to purgatory and heaven. He
had to take the long way 'round. While some of the teachers thought it was a crazy-hard task, I saw nothing but opportunity. It had the three main elements that I found my students responded to:

1) Grossness (characters eating each other, lost souls writing on the shore of a river, lovers caught in an eternal whirlwind, murder, starvation)

2) Lots of symbolism. They loved symbolism. Of course, I had to explain a lot
of it, but they liked it and it made that little lightbulb come on over their heads.

3) History. Shocked the crapola out of me. I never would've thought they'd like learning history stuff about Italy and the Christianity included in the story, but they loved it...and remembered it.

Where is all this going? When I taught Inferno, it was the first time I'd read it myself. I immediately fell in love with it because I enjoyed all the same things
my students did, and I'm sure part of their enjoyment came from my overwhelming enthusiasm. In addition to the meat of Inferno's plot, I fell in love with John Ciardi's translation. It was beautiful, it was smooth, it was tantalizing, and, from what I've read, it's very true to Dante's vision.

I stumbled upon an article about John Ciardi's life this morning as
I browsed some of my favorite lit. sites. I've not read any of his other poetry,
I'm not familiar with his body of work, but I spent a good deal of time admiring his translation, and somewhere along the way he slipped through the cracks. I always meant to look for more of him, but he got lost in the turmoil. Now, I have fresh incentive to seek out Ciardi and I might even read Inferno again.

The very interesting article...even if you're not a bookworm:

Click here for the article.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Looking forward....

I have lots to look forward to today:

1) Working with all the lazy people that don't do shit at the 'brary. The other woman who works is on vacation for two weeks.
2) The 'tards come in on Friday. Not to be crass, but it's too much finger work to type "mentally challenged" or "mentally disabled" or "special friends" every time. No offense intended and you get my point. Oooh! I'll just call 'em the Normans. Norman was Mary's "special" brother in Something About Mary. Perfect. Now I don't feel like a rude-ass.
3) SALON tonight! The first meeting of the minds....sure to include at least 15 minutes of conversation and 2 hours of wine. There's nothing like meeting a future English professor at a drinking party (he'll be my contemporary lit. prof in the fall).

Tomorrow holds a myriad of possibilities as Rachel and I will be trekking to a local bar to hear her friend's hubby's band. One of the members is quite greasy and a porn addict. And he teaches music at a charter school (middle school). Nothing like those little personal details to make you feel closer to the music.

I hope to blog from the 'brary today via e-mail. If Snowflake is there it should make for a real treat.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

CLUELESS is on!!!!

Clueless is on USA, and I freakin' love it! I had a major obsession with it in high school when I wasn't kissing anyone. I would've given my left ovary--not the right one, it's my favorite--to be Cher on the stairs with Josh. Why wasn't I kissing anyone in high school? Because my best guy friend/love interest was gay and I was related to everyone else.

Sorry I didn't get to attack the blogs like I'd planned. My ISP has this thing going on lately where it doesn't want to work after dark. Yeah, who'd wanna get on the computer at night???

I also bought the SIMS 2 University expansion pack last night (geek alert!) and spent the entire night practicing makin' babies with jocks (my SIM did, that is).

Off to do some more of that now! I had a rant prepared but I can't remember what it was. Oh, and I got my giddy spades. I'm trying to narrow down which details I'm going to share. Juiciness to come.

On TV: Alicia and the gang. Stacy Dash is now in the running for lesbian girlfriend.
Music: Gavin
Reading: Nooothing but the back of a Doritos bag and the exams I'm grading.
In my head: Red miniature roses.

Half-Nekkid Thursday: Exposing Ourselves One Part at a Time

Formerly a picture of my head. It's not Half-Nekkid Thursday anymore, so I'm gone!
My "one-eyebrow-up-what-the-hell-you-want?" look.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Someone sucked out my giddy...

In total contrast to yesterday's teariness over what a wonder it is to teach, I'm now in the pits of total stomach churnage and stress balledness (with a little hunger thrown in). Uggg. I can't talk about it, but it was a conversation that made me cry and brought me right on down. I'm now officially a weenie head who doesn't follow her instincts. Where is the tattoo gun? I want that on my forehead.

I'm miserably behind on my blog reading, so if you haven't seen me on yours in a few days, watch the fuck out. I'm coming for you tonight. I also need to add links to my sidebar. The blog horn will be doing some hellish blowin' my friends. You all are feeding my addiction.You are my crack.

Off to work.

Things to be excited about this week:

1) The first meeting of Reference Diva's Salon.
2) A concert on Saturday at a local bar.

P.S. Villagephotos is screwed up, so the happy whore up there will be taking my place today. My dark lady picture will be back up tonight come hell or high water.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

I loves my job.....

I consider teaching my "real job". Not because the library isn't a real job, just because I love teaching, I look forward to teaching, and I would probably trade a kidney at this point for a full-time position at the junior college where I work, for the summer, two nights a week. I get more fulfillment out of teaching, especially the developmental English and reading classes, because most of these people are turned off. Turned off to reading, turned off to writing, turned off to language. It's challenging and more than a little bit fun to try to turn 'em back on.

I love my job SO MUCH right now because of something that happened yesterday:

A woman in my night class came into the library. My students know I work there and this particular student came in excited.
"Miss M_____! I'm so glad you're here!"
Well, I never hear that at the 'brary, so I turned around so fast my head got a little Exorcist action. She walked up to the desk clutching a copy of The Bad Beginning, by Lemony Snicket, and said, "I finished it already!! I took it to the doctor with me and finished it!" My eyes nearly goggled out of my head.
I gave the reading class an optional project to read The Bad Beginning and do a take-home exam of it. This takes a little pressure off of the two book tests we have, and most importantly, it breaks up the monotony of doing book work in class every night. I was sure they'd all sneer and look at me like a 5-headed sea snake, but to my delight, they ALL accepted the assignment. The student who came into the library told me at the beginning of the course that she'd never done much work in school because she was a bully type who played sports. 'Nuff said. She's really motivated to come back to school and get a medical certificate so she doesn't have to drive as far to work every day, be such a peon to her shitty boss, and make something of herself all around. She doesn't read. She's not comfortable with it--but she's willing to do her best to excel in my class, yadda yadda.
Last week was a rocky week. She struggled a bit with some of the class work, and was a little discouraged overall, but she had her copy of the Snicket with her and she'd already read a few pages. Needless to say I was shocked when she pranced into the library all finished within 4 days. I was even more shocked when she said, "I've never read a book before. I've never read a whole book. I'm keeping this forever."
Stuff like that elates me. Like I wasn't already elated enough. This has gotta be better than drugs.
I'm going to pick up my own copy of the book before work because I need to quickly re-read it before I start giving out the take-homes next week. I chose the book because it's an easy read (for 9-12 year olds), it's fun, and most importantly Snicket (really Daniel Handler) revels in fun with language.
I think I'm gettin' a little teary.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Grab your crotch and sing with me....

In celebration of Mikey J's not guiltiness, Kenya and I sang multitudinous happenin' songs suitable for moon walking at the circulation desk. By God, if we can't read at the desk they'll be sorry.

We were both a bit giddy and weird tonight. We did the following:

I told a few choice people that she's a porn star and we're a full service library.

We decided if we had a child it would be trisket-colored. I'm white, she's Mexican, and the child would be a handsome, baked tan.

We tried to lock Steve-the-scraggly into the library instead of out for a change.

Kenya tried to talk a five-year-old boy into being her boyfriend. When he told her she was too old she said, "But we could still love each other."

We sang some more. Even looked up the lyrics to Thriller so we could stop making those word-like noises we all know and love.

Back to reality....

I'm working from 11-8 today. What is it about working a weird, shifted shift that makes it feel like the day lasts forever? It's still 9 hours with lunch...just a regular day....but when it lasts from 11-8 it feels like a bloomin' eternity.

And the media is absolutely freakish. On the Today show they have kids getting into the Guiness book of world records (for kids, I think). First was the water balloon toss, and now they're sorting jelly beans with straws. Where the hell did I put my book?

Ooh! A boy just knocked his nuts on his partner's head. Stop it you pervs...they were doing leap-frog.

Sunny Sunday


On TV: Nada
Music: Gavin Degraw
In my head: Roses, daisies, puppies, sunshine and cake.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Be in awe....

Tomorrow I will be having a supremely good time with supremely good company. You should all envy me. Envy me a lot.


On TV: Trading Spaces
Music: Don't tell anyone, but I've been listening to Britney Spears remixes.
Reading: Specimen Days, by Michael Cunningham
In my head: Daisies and puppies.

Saturday, June 11, 2005


It's 1:48AM, I can't sleep. I've tried all my usual methods: reading, watching HGTV, thinking, tossing, turning, rolling around, a glass of water. At this point in my utter desperation I would normally try pharmaceutical coercion, but it's too late if I'm even going to attempt dragging my sleepy-drooped ass out of bed in the morning. If I'm being a realist, I'm probably going to wake up around 8, call in sick, and crawl back to my bed. At least I know the library is well-covered tomorrow and it won't destroy anything if I'm not there to grace the place.

In the meantime, an enlightening story.

I was watching the 10:00 news the other night and they were reporting on a bear roaming a residential neighborhood. It was shot with a tranquilizer and was in fine health at the time of the report. The kicker in all this: the bear was shown trotting atop a brick wall and jumping down. The angle was from the back side of the bear. They blurred the bear's private parts. Britney Spears can spread her cracks all over our TV screens, people can be mangled and chipped to death on Lost, but heaven forbid the children of America should see a bear cooch.

Love in the morning....

I'll probably be incommunicado for much of the weekend. I have to work tomorrow and I'll be joyfully busy on Sunday. In the meantime I have a house to clean and toenails to paint.

A library story to tide you over:

Every Friday and Saturday the ladies and gentlemen from the home for the mentally--retarded? challenged??...whatever the hell the PC term is nowadays--come to the library to check out movies and music, and frolick merrily on the computers. There are a few personalities that really make themselves known. One little man: Bobby, comes in and has me check his library card, he ambles off to the CD's and picks one country music CD to take home and return the next day. He never speaks. He occasionally sticks his tongue out at me but there's no speaking.

Justin is a young man who talks a lot, is terribly polite, and hangs out with Bobby most of the time.

There's another guy who usually stands halfway across the library from me, smiles a wicked-large smile and waves. Recently he's gotten the nerve to approach the circ desk and greet me with a string of high-pitched "Hey You!'s" and he shakes my hand and almost squeezes the meat out of my fingers.

Today, apparently, they had all watched the same movie or listened to the same song, or watched the same episode of Dora the Explorer...something. Justin came in jabbering ninety-t0-nothin', grabbed a CD, and came to the desk to check out. It sounded a little something like this:

Me: "Hi, Justin! How are you today?"

Justin: "Hi, dear!"

Me: thinking..."Did he just call me dear? That's new."....*smile*

Justin: "Here dear!" hands me CD

Me: checks it out to him with a kind smile "There ya go."

Justin: "Thanks, dear! I looooove you."

...and off he goes happily on his way.

Shortly afterwards Leering-Handshake-Man comes up to check out a CD, which he rarely does, and greets me with his usual string of "hey you's". I smiled when he broke my fingers, nodded at his hey you's, told him to have a good day.

His reply: "I looooove you!"

I've never felt quite so loved at work. It must be something in the water. And I get to be loved again tomorrow.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Blog horn for reading whores....

You all know about my little girl-crush on Jennifer Weiner...and I really should've added her to my lesbian wives and girlfriends club, but, to my complete embarrassment...I forgot her !!!

In the spirit of kissing and making up, I wanted to mention the wonderfantasticalness going on on her blog. She's been at Book Expo America (big convention thingy where authors get to run around, do signings, have book parties, canoodle with one another, and the like.) and posting out the wahoo about it. It's absolutely hilarious. Oh, and read the long post about the review by pseudo-intellectual author of PREP. Also gut bustingly funny....even if you haven't read PREP and have no plans to. Click HERE for the illustrious Weiner.

My newest author blog obsession is Joshlyn Jackson, author of Gods in Alabama. I haven't read her book, but her blog is so good that I will be soon. She's as hilarious as my adored Weiner and posts more often. Woo! Heather introduced me to this blog, and it's taken me a long time and actually read a big chunk, but now I'm wrapped up and entranced. I can blame her when it takes over what's left of my free time and starts cutting into work. Click HERE.

For breakfast: Nilla Wafers and Tylenol
On TV: Nothing...I'm not up for the Today Show this morning.
Reading: The Chalice and the Blade, by Riane Eisler
In my head: That damn unborn twin again.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Half-Nekkid Thursday - Snap your Bod

Os!!! Here's a very unattractively angled picture of my foot...not to mention fuzzy. And, yes, I was outside IN THE SNOW in Texas. Two marvels in one post.

For background on the insanity and guidelines go HERE.

Note: All of today's posts will be appearing below this one. My foot is queen for the day.


So much to blog, so little time. But even that's a big lie.

This morning, around 1am, I finished Exit to Eden (KY, anyone?). I had the mad mad itchy urge to blog, but what to my wondering eyes should appear but a fucked up ISP and nary a beer. My ISP is the biggest crap pile on the planet and it knows when I want to be online the most, and it breaks itself. Phookers.

I have a wigwam of tangled blog ideas floating around in my head, and let's start with:


I have a veritable nest of curly locks atop my head. When I was a young'un I was the whitest black child I knew. Kinky curly...all the way. As the teen years approached, I chopped my crack-length couf and chose more appropriate-to-kink the short genre. Through the late teens and early 20's it was short-to-medium and usually straightened (chemically...with chemicals whose smell would scare the kink out of anyone). Now, I've returned to my roots. It's like not shaving your legs or pits. Curls, are liberating, but at the same time....a little like wearing your panties on the outside of your clothes. (And I say all this in the context of a person who isn't used to curls, so don't bitch at me because I'm dissing your curls....I'm dissing my curls).

My curls are very Dolly Parton's niece if I let them flow freely, so I harness them into a fluffy rat's nest of a ponytail for work. As I've mentioned here before, my boss is a moron; you know, the one who brought the wrath of Snowflake upon us. He also gives off a bit of a womanizer vibe. One expects, at any given opening of the mouth, to see that pimp-sleaze sparkle come off his front teeth. He's a little greasy in the hair area....super-bags under the eyes...he wears pink shirts and salmon ties. He rarely speaks, of his own free will, to the peons at the circ desk. That would just be....polite. *SQUEAL* I've not been on the receiving end of his slickness until....I straightened my hair.

It's now below-shoulder-length. Sun-kissed. When I straighten it...damn near ponyish. It makes me feel less edge and more girl, which is a big change and something I'm not entirely comfortable with, but in the meantime I'm whippin' the shit around like a golden....umm...whip. 5 minutes after I sauntered in to work I was sitting at the desk when in walks sparkle-tooth, takes his place at the Xerox machine across from me, turns, gives me the ooky up-down, eyes me like a sugar-coated Virginia ham, and breaks into animated conversation. And my breasts weren't even partially exposed.

The point of all this: Hair is power. My boss is a greasy slug.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005


The countdown begins. I get to go home in 22 minutes. I'm blogging from work through the mail-to-blogger thingy. I feel so....covert.

Holy Fucking Trauma: Fish Guts

I've officially been traumatized and now remember why I prefer to be completely ignorant of what happens to animals before they get made into other stuff: food, food for other animals, etc.

I came home late because Mom was taking money at the county fair tonight, put on my jammies, and plopped down to do my bloggy business. Turned on the TV, flipped to Discovery, and what do I find?? A show called Dirty Jobs...tonight, featuring people who handle fish. I turned it on just in time to see the lil hosty man and a rather...rough...looking woman hacking up a live octopus for market. YUM! They cut out his beak, they raked his tentacles, and they flipped his hood inside out. And all this on a bloody board from the poor bastard who came before him.

From the octopus they cut to a factory where they made fish food pellets....the kind you buy for a quarter and feed to the mutant catfish at zoos and such. Two words: FISH GRINDER! Could've gone all my life without seeing fish being ground into pulp and pumped into another tank, the oil separated, and then adding dried blood to the whole mix to make the pellets stick together.

Holy bloody hell! I never want to feed or eat a fish again! And salmon used to be my favorite food!

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

S&M and kiddie movies....

There's undoubtedly a very uneven and completely unrelatable bunch of reading and movie watching going on in my home as of late. Exit to Eden, if you're unfamiliar, is about a S&M club the size of an island and the Master (Lisa) and her slave of choice, Elliot. This is the Anne Rice book I've been bitching about lately ("Anne Rice is the only person who could make sex this boring"...etc.). Up until now it's been relegated to my "lunch book" at work (praying my scuzzy boss didn't see it). An hour ever other day doesn't make for much headway, so I got horizontal with it last night for a lil reading, and I'll be damned if it didn't get good. Shit. I'm SO not into S&M, but the way it's presented....being told from both Elliot and Lisa's perspectives, makes for a thought-provoking read. It's for a banned book discussion group, and I think it'll lend itself to some pretty interesting discussion.

I talked to _____ last night, and one of _____'s favorite movies is The Girl Next Door...a comedy about a porn star trying to leave her past behind. We were discussing movies that one would be smart not to watch with one's parents and this one, The Ice Storm, Booty Call, and all of the American Pies were mentioned. Then I got off the phone and watched A Series of Unfortunate Events.

In addition to Exit to Eden, I'm reading A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Miserable Mill. An S&M book and young adult fiction. I find myself looking at the stack of books by my bed, and it reminds me of the time I realized I was reading Lolita at Christmas. Totally unrelated, totally unintentional, but just weird anyway.

Anyhoo, A Series of Unfortunate Events (movie) was fab. I found myself a little skeptical up until about 3/4's through. They've taken a LOT of liberties, but I was completely won over when I found myself bawling through the last 10 minutes. The sets were gorgeous, Jim Carrey was only mildly annoying, the kids were adorable and well-suited to their roles, and did I mention the sets were GORGEOUS??

I think my reading slump is over. And my movie watching is picking up. too. Still to watch: Finding Neverland.

Upcoming posts:
Why I was a great teacher in tonight's class.
Jennifer Weiner does Book Expo America
The Politics of Hair and how my boss gave me that womanizer/sparkly smile when I straightened mine--inspired by Dena.

Monday, June 06, 2005

My lesbian wives and girlfriends....

I had Steph and Ago in mind the other day when I absotively posolutely decided who my lesbian wife would be if I were going to have a lesbian wife. Now, 2-3 days later, I CANNOT, to save my life, remember who it was. I think that would make me, among lesbians, the equivalent of a dick-headed man. And in the spirit of dick-headedness, here's a list of possible lesbian girlfriends, since I can't remember who my lesbian wife would be (taking off life-promise ring and stuffing it in pocket):

Amy Lee (of course)
Allison Janney
Kate Winslet (strong contender for wife)
Ashley Judd's character from Double Jeopardy
J.K. Rowling

I'm sure I could go on and on, but we'll leave it at this. Who would your lesbian girlfriend or man-toy be?

My day....

1) I'm the crimson of a finely steamed lobster.

2) I'm full of corn dog, lemonade, and funnel cake.

3) The county fair was much smaller than I remember from my childhood.

4) Weird mustaches are a mistake. Especially those that look kinda like a goatee with no bottom.

On TV: Taxi
Music: Jann Arden....Living Under June
Reading: The Miserable Mill, by Lemony Snicket

Friday, June 03, 2005

The grossest thing since menstrual clots....

What is the grossest thing since menstrual clots you wonder???

Two people sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth.

Could they not be bothered to unhinge from the hip long enough to engage in a meal...and possible engage each other?? I can understand such behavior if one is 15-22 and getting stroked under the table, but past a certain age and assumed maturity level, just give it up.

On TV: That princess movie based on that Meg Cabbot book.
Reading: Pretty much nothing as my reading life has ground to a screeching halt.
In my head: My potential book - Snowflake Takes a Pool Boy

The Return of Snowflake.....

Our moronic volunteer, now affectionately nicknamed Snowflake everywhere but to her face, was back today. She's actually come in several times since I first posted about her whiteness. The second appearance was punctuated by her choice of cooch-defying tennis skirt and mid-calf ass-kicking boots. The last couple of appearances were more subdued: suede pants in 90-degree Texas weather (can we say yeast infection?) and today was some sort of MC Hammer, camouflage getup. Finally, today, she and the "Director" didn't even bother saying that she was there to volunteer. We all know she's there to make out with him in his office, and today's lipstick on his cheek was the proof. I'll bet anyone $1,000 that they were bumpin' uglies with the blinds closed. I wonder what it's like to fuck an airheaded vampire? Maybe I can ask during my performance review.

Boring Sex

Only Anne Rice could make sex this dull. I'm reading Exit to Eden for a book group, and I have yet to feel so much as a stirring in the crotchular region. Hmmmf. Not recommended so far!

There's something wrong with me....

I think I may have strep throat. Thus, the reason for my absence and lack of postage (aka, the uninspired one from yesterday). I have a sore throat, and last night I had one of those hot headaches....where you just kinda feel floaty and like you're burning from the inside out. I had strep throat when I was 21, and I thought I was going to die. I hope I don't have it again, or I might request to be shot.

Gotta go to work: another reason to request being bumped off.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

I'd like to buy a bowel....

From the moment I woke up yesterday I was in a state of bowel-twisting anxiety. I went into the college's online resource for teachers and checked my class numbers. There was a grand total of 6 students registered. For summer that's not that strange, but I was still afraid of being cancelled. I threw on my clothes and makeup in a record 15 minutes and headed off to the school to see if my class was getting the axe. I stuck my head into the director's office with a sad look.

"How many do you have??" she chirped.

"Six," I croaked. "Am I gonna get cancelled?"

"Nope. We're required to have a Learning Skills class at night, and you're it, Babyyyy"

*1,000-watt smile* "OK! See ya tomorrow!"

Whew. I checked again last night, and now I only have five students, but at least I'm still gonna be able to teach it. I'm not sure if I'll get paid the full amount or if it'll be pro-rated by student, but at least it's something.

Class starts tonight at 5:30 (and goes until 9:20). I'm looking forward to it for some weird reason...even though this class is pretty boring to teach.
Images by Freepik