Monday, January 09, 2006

The Bachelor is back...grab your vomit bucket.

Tonight a passel of lobotomized morons with inhumanly buoyant funbags once again hit television screens all across the land. The Bachelor is back and the douchebags are plentiful, darlings.

I won't go through a whole recap of the show like I did with that guy's brother. The moron from last season. Oh. O'Connell. So forgettable. Slack-jawed. You know who I'm talking about.

This year's bachelor is a mild-mannered ER doctor from Nashville (so I give him brownie points for Nashville) with a big heart and a significant codpiece.

The women are as vomitously annoying as usual. The highlight tonight was a woman doctor who actually told Bachelor-Travis..."I'm getting to the point that my eggs are aging, and I'm really interested in reproduction."

OK, so this is obviously reallyyyy screwy on a number of levels, but I particularly love the fact that instead of saying "make babies," "horizontal mambo," "pop out a litter," "ride the wild bologna pony," she repeatedly referred to it as "reproduction." How medically aware of her.

"He's just like every other doctor...so focused on his career that he has no time for reproduction."

She proceeded to hound him post-rose-ceremony for an explanation about why he didn't pick her.

BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKIN' NUT, BITCH!

But I can't imagine why he didn't want to reproduce with her.

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I missed Steve Carell on the Tonight Show. I'm so upset. I tuned in just in time to be completely disappointed by Billy Currington's complete inability to sing live. Again, I'm so disappointed. I guess he is just a pretty face and nicely airbrushed abs after all.

Listening to (instead of Billy Currington's abs): John Mayer Trio...."Good Love is on the Way"
Reading: Who the hell knows.
In my head: Cheesecake pudding.

12 comments:

  1. Andi--I would pay for the plane ticket and deluxe accomodations for you to come up and rub chicken soup on my chest!

    And a comment to your last post--sorry you found out the hard way about Billy!

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  2. Oops--that was this post. I blame the snot.

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  3. I CRACKED UP at "ride the wild bologna pony." Thanks. Now my eyeliner is smudgy.

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  4. ha ha...I (thankfully) missed the Bachelor. I can't watch that show anymore. It's so depressing to me. The desperation that these women portray, the fact that it's all in a man's hands to "pick" them...you know, the whole schpeel...I know it's just trashy tv but it's one of my least favorites. The people are just so unbelieveably DUMB!

    I'll try and catch it next week...he he

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  5. LOL, Os. But not Campbells because it doesn't have nearly as many noodles and chicken chunks in it as it used to. Slackers.

    And no problem. I'm snotty too. Billy C. was such a disappointment. I didn't even watch his cuteness because I couldn't get past the awful, flat singing.

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  6. Amanda,
    My pleasure to smudge your eyeliner. :) That's one of my personal favorite sayings (bologna pony). :)

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  7. Funky,
    I hate it too, but somehow I always manage to catch the first episode (curse). The women make me ill, and I could NEVER compete for a man. Uggg and barf.

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  8. So glad I don't watch that show. Sounds horrible.

    I did not know Steve Carell was on! Wah! Sniff. I love him. Must go watch 40-Year-Old-Virgin now.

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  9. I can't believe they put this show on again. This doesn't mean The Bachelorette will follow does it? I may have to neuter all of my tvs.

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  10. Heather,
    I think that was the SECOND time I've missed him. Arrrg!

    Suzz,
    Good idea! And excellent term. lol Must use "neuter my TV's" sometime!

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  11. It doesn't sound like you even LIKE the show. Why are you watching it? I could never get into those things. Especially that one.

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  12. Kat,
    It's a bit like a car accident...can't look away. I don't make a concerted effort to watch it, I just happened across the first episode...as I did last season.

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