Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Keep your ass away from Hollywood...
I had a horrifying experience yesterday the likes of which I'm hesitant to discuss openly. This was one of those things that induces instant flashbacks, overwhelming nausea, and forces you to pull the car over and take a few breaths.
I was out running errands and had to whip by the library (the one where I used to work) to return a stack of books. I prefer to use the drive-through book drop when I'm in a hurry because everyone always wants to talk forever. As I coasted toward the book drop I saw an apparition. Or at least I thought it was an apparition. I should've known the 'brary was a bad idea. All the dysfunctional assholes, douchebags, and angry midgets hang out there.
There in front of me, looming large, was a tall, gangly woman. Perched atop her head, a nest of grey old-lady, backcombed, teased, Texas curl-muff. Makeup caked on just so. Paisley dress shirt. Gold shoes. Getting into a land yacht.
I squinted at her. Took a moment. Felt my eyes begin to widen and water. It was....her.
I haven't seen this cranky old skeeze-cunt since I was in fifth grade. If I never saw her again it would've been too soon. She was one of those teachers that openly hates kids, and was probably as rich as Richie Rich's great aunt Muriel, but still worked (much to the chagrin of everyone in a 100 mile radius). She did crazy shit. She cooked stew in her classroom that smelled like the poached carcasses of dwarves and gila monsters. She stashed one of Rachel's textbooks ON HER DESK for a year and bitched at her for losing it the entire time, and she had a lilty voice that could make nipples and penises far and wide turn and flee into the body.
Her class was hell. Luckily I only had her for social studies. I always felt bad for the poor schmucks who had to deal with her all the time. Admittedly, we gave her a hard time. We worked her over. We terrorized her. We ran her ass off. I think she started touring the US with her hubby in their gold-leafed RV soon after the retirement. I was sort of hoping she'd taken up residence in a whore house or nudist colony for the aged and socially unacceptable by now.
We should've killed her and put her in her own crock pot.