Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Keep your ass away from Hollywood...


I had a horrifying experience yesterday the likes of which I'm hesitant to discuss openly. This was one of those things that induces instant flashbacks, overwhelming nausea, and forces you to pull the car over and take a few breaths.

I was out running errands and had to whip by the library (the one where I used to work) to return a stack of books. I prefer to use the drive-through book drop when I'm in a hurry because everyone always wants to talk forever. As I coasted toward the book drop I saw an apparition. Or at least I thought it was an apparition. I should've known the 'brary was a bad idea. All the dysfunctional assholes, douchebags, and angry midgets hang out there.

There in front of me, looming large, was a tall, gangly woman. Perched atop her head, a nest of grey old-lady, backcombed, teased, Texas curl-muff. Makeup caked on just so. Paisley dress shirt. Gold shoes. Getting into a land yacht.

I squinted at her. Took a moment. Felt my eyes begin to widen and water. It was....her.

MRS. HOLLYWOOD!!!


I haven't seen this cranky old skeeze-cunt since I was in fifth grade. If I never saw her again it would've been too soon. She was one of those teachers that openly hates kids, and was probably as rich as Richie Rich's great aunt Muriel, but still worked (much to the chagrin of everyone in a 100 mile radius). She did crazy shit. She cooked stew in her classroom that smelled like the poached carcasses of dwarves and gila monsters. She stashed one of Rachel's textbooks ON HER DESK for a year and bitched at her for losing it the entire time, and she had a lilty voice that could make nipples and penises far and wide turn and flee into the body.

Her class was hell. Luckily I only had her for social studies. I always felt bad for the poor schmucks who had to deal with her all the time. Admittedly, we gave her a hard time. We worked her over. We terrorized her. We ran her ass off. I think she started touring the US with her hubby in their gold-leafed RV soon after the retirement. I was sort of hoping she'd taken up residence in a whore house or nudist colony for the aged and socially unacceptable by now.

We should've killed her and put her in her own crock pot.

11 comments:

  1. YIKES!!! She sounds horrifying! I'm glad I never had a teacher quite like *that*!

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  2. oh dear gawd.

    i know you were tempted to run her over, and i applaud you for that (you didnt run her over did you?)

    priceless.

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  3. I had one of those for first grade. She NEVER pronounced my first name correctly THE WHOLE YEAR. CUNT.

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  4. Everyone knows a teacher like that. I had one too. Mrs. Harrison in 6th grade. She had to eat burnt rice all the time. She always told us that story.

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  5. Heather, you're a lucky lucky girl.

    Steph, thank you for the applause. I deserve it because I did refrain from running her down.

    Same, I hate *those* teachers. I had one that did that until I was in high school. Called me "Angie."

    Evil, why the hell did she eat burned rice?

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  6. hahahahaha! i think you have some serious anger issues. the woman was pre-alzheimers, for the love of the Lord. It made her mean. YOu are hilarious. i can't believe you hate her that much when there was Clark in the same year who was ten times worse....
    i totally almost missed this post by accident. i'm SO glad i didnt...

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  7. Djali,
    I don't hate her *that* much..she's just a good target. I find it harder to hate Sharky these days becaue (and I think I forgot to tell you this), she gave me that quilt we made in 5th grade when I worked at the library over the summer!!! Can you believe it? I have pics. I'll send.

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  8. GREAT HERA !!!!!!!! I loved this post!!!!!! It made me laugh!!!!!!! I am still laughing!!!!!!!
    It reminded me of two particular teachers in my youth-one in elementary school and one in high school. The one in elementary school wore a wig that kind of swung back and forth when she walked and she had a problem with her lipstick running down her mouth and chin and so she always carried a tissue to bring some kind of order back to her face. I think she cursed me because now that I am at that ahem, certain age, my lips have these wrinkles and lipstick bleeds into them. The high school teacher wore ugly outdated clothing and was allergic to water. Yep, you saw correctly, your eyes have not been deceived, allergic to water. Oh wait that is passive voice (ha ha)-I am not deceiving your eyes, she is/was (don't know if she is still alive) allergic to water. But you know we shouldn't be so hard on these types of teachers. They are fodder for blogs.

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  9. God, this post made me HOWL. cranky old skeeze-cunt. You have a filthy mouth.


    Great photo accompaniment! LOL

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  10. OtherFem,
    OH MY WORD! Allergic to water?? I've never heard of such a thing. Allergic to sunlight, maybe, but water? NOOO! LOLOL

    Your teachers sound scarier than mine!

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  11. Denaroo,
    The skeeze-cunt bit was inspired by your...inspiration through the years. You have officially demystified "cunt" for me!

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