Monday, March 27, 2006

Wah wah wah (Charlie Brown's teacher)

I awoke this morning with snakes at the ready to sprout from my head. Medusa would've looked like Lamb Chop next to me today. I have no idea why I had such an aptitude for bitchtitude, but I fuckin' did.

First thing, given the plague of sleeplessness going around the department, I stayed up entirely too late watching Proof last night and reading and generally wasting time and straining my eyes for no good reason. The alarm blast sounded at 7am and I fell out of bed, hopped in the shower, emerged still comatose and screwed around on the computer until it was time to NOT put on makeup, throw on unattractive clothes, and take the dog to the vet for his weekly blood sugar tests.

I rolled on to C'vegas only to find that the same traffic light that's been blinking for a week is STILL BLINKING. This is the stoplight that I must pass through to get to school every morning, and that most of the commuters must pass through, thus causing one big angry mob of screaming flip'offishness and it's really tempting to run over one of the construction workers. It would ruin my underside spoilers or I'd be all over it like a buzzard on a dead possum.

I just didn't wanna be at work today. I just didn't. Nothing against my peeps or even the little Normans that come into work, but I just didn't wanna be there.

Stopped by to talk to a prof which should've made me feel better, but it just deflated me. He liked the paper he gave back, he brought me some books to assist in my search for divine wisdom on the next paper. I went back to the WC, read through 5 pages of his suggestions, promptly slit my throat with a rusty nail, and I'm blogging to you all from hell.

I found myself saying to Beth (and others at various times), "If anyone crosses me today, they're going to lose a ball."

The highlight of the day:

Little barely-English-speaking man comes in. He's been there before. I very slick-n-smoothly slid off my chair while he was signing in because the man is afflicted with the death breath. This is not a simple case of a wayward onion exhale or some such, this is the result of a belly full of dead mice. I disappeared into the break room and re-emerged once Goose had taken the job of helping him with a paper. I walked back over and perched in one of my favorite chairs, back turned to Mr. Dragon Breath, looked at Jeremy who said, "Good call." I replied, "Well, there aren't any peppermints left around here." We laughed until we cried, and it just wasn't that funny. But it was. It was a cosmic laughing-at-that-which-is-unfunny connection...doesn't happen very often. It made my jaws cramp.

Now I need to be reading. I haven't said this in a long time, but I'm really tired (and it's only 11:00!).


  1. Man, I missed a man with a belly full of dead mice? Even if you came near a puke, at least you got a good laugh. I'm sure next time I'll get him.

  2. I'm sure you've seen him before, Bethany. And I'm glad to see you posting. It warms the cockles of my heart. And just for that, if dead mouse man ever comes in when you and I are there, I'll brave his breath-stink to save you from it.

  3. I'd be happy if I had a warm cockle. Bring thyself to Texas.

  4. I started laughing again just now, remembering how hard we laughed earlier. The most priceless thing about it was that no one else in the room had a fucking clue what was so funny.

    Many of our ESL students do not have an adequate appreciation for mouthwash, toothpaste, or any such oral hygiene activity. Every time I sit down with one, I want to drag a trash can over beside me, just to be on the safe side.

  5. 5 pages of suggestions?

    sounds like my boss

  6. Yuck, belly full of dead mice? Must have made for one helluva food baby.

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  8. Jeremy, even after I've spilled the beans on the laughing, people in the room are still wondering what's so funny.

    And have you smelled our native speakers? ESL aren't the only ones who need some Scope.

    AMS, it was actually a page of typed suggestions and pencil marks on every available white space of the paper. Still made me wanna die.

    NonGF, it was a food baby the likes of which I hope I never encounter again.

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  10. I hope you get some much needed sleep Andi.

    I love the not-that-funny histarical laugh attacks! Those are the best...

  11. Thanks a lot Andi! Thanks a lot! I just spewed sweet tea out my nose and onto my computer monitor when I read "promptly slit my throat with a rusty nail, and I'm blogging to you all from hell." ;)

  12. Funky,
    Those are the best. I could deal with more of those. Anything laughing that hurts the abs is a good thing.

    Glad you enjoyed that, Amanda. I'm about to slit it again if I can't sqeeze out a paper proposal. Oy! :)

  13. "promptly slit my throat with a rusty nail, and I'm blogging to you all from hell." ;)

    LOL. Well, at least there are computers there...:)

  14. Yep, I don't feel so bad about being in hell now, Nicky.


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