Sunday, April 16, 2006

Some devil....


I'm in a supremely horrible mood for the third day or so. Plenty of sleep, day and night, etc. Depression, anyone? Welcome to the world behind the happy face. It could be worse. I haven't broken out the Ativan yet. Although, it's tempting. Alas, I will keep my stockpile in tact until the next time I have a 12-day tension headache that threatens to drag me into the belly of insanity and drives me to wish I could remove my own head with a garden trowel.


I finished the first season of House, M.D. and I have to say, I'm obsessed. We all know the obsessive nature of my personality, and Jake Gyllenhaal has been knocked from his pedestal for the time being. I'm almost positive that people think I'm nuts the way I go on about things sometimes, and I don't really fucking care. It's sort of like that conversation I had with E. about characters in books becoming real to "people like us." Same with TV and film for me. There's some wicked-talented writer behind the character and it's a wicked-talented actor that can give an obsession-worthy performance, so at the root of things it's really artist-envy.

On a more Freudian level, I'm sure it's also projection. And memory. I had my very own House, M.D. a few years ago. Not an M.D. but very House in some ways. Older. Sarcastic. Dimples. Motorcycle fanatic. Etc. Please refer to the name of this blog for how that turned out. It wouldn't have worked out even though he was the love of my life. Short life, yes. True love, definitely. As soon as someone convinces me love is worthwhile again, I'll be back in the game.

The other day an acquaintance who I've steadily gotten to know a little better over this past semester said something to me that made me think. "People often say they wish they'd taken more chances like I did. You're one of those people, Andi, who will get those comments. People will wish they'd lived your life. You're not afraid."

Flattering, yes. Bullshit, yes.

For the last two months I've been almost completely unable to go to sleep at night without the light on or the TV. I can't bear to close my eyes and be in the dark. Something happened in mid-February that brought my grandparents' death surging back, and now I'm so haunted by it that I can't even close my eyes. It's getting a little better now. Some days I can turn everything out once I run myself far enough into the ground.

We're all damaged.

Listening: "Baba O'Riley"...The Who
Reading: Nothing.
Happy Easter? Sure. Whatever.

19 comments:

  1. You know, I think something must be in the air or Mercury is retrograde or some damn thing, because I've felt like utter shite for the past few days. I haven't been depressed like this in ages, where I just feel like crawling back into my bed and crying under the covers for hours. It's crap. :(

    I'd love it if I could just pack up a suitcase full of books and spend a month in a beach bungalow somewhere, reading what I freaking want to read and not having to analyze a bit of it. That's my idea of heaven right now.

    It would be even better if Marton Csokas was my cabana boy, but hey, I'm not too picky. ;)

    Gypsy Poetry

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  2. Happy Easter if you celebrate it. If not, happy Sunday!

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  3. Oh honey. I know how it is, to miss the grandparents. Big hugs. If you ever need anything, to talk, vent, etc, etc, I'm here.

    So glad you loved House. I totally obsess over it too. Fox's House message board is pretty cool, they are way more obsessed than I am. What did you think of the episode Three Stories?

    I would try to convince you love is worth it, but I'm afraid you're going to have to do it yourself. I do know from experience...the one will come along just when you've totally given up...at least it did for me.

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  4. Eil, must be. I haven't been this depressed in ages either. Maybe it'll go away soon. I think I'm gonna take the May mini off instead of take a class. I need a break. Oh, and you bring Marton, I'll bring Hugh, it'll be a good time. :)

    Sole, I do and thanks. We went to an Easter egg hunt that would've likely pulled me out of my slump if it wasn't 85 freakin' degrees with NO BREEZE today.

    Heather,
    Thanks, girl. I may take you up on that sometime. I loved the Three Stories episode. It was heartbreaking to see House so in love with Stacy and then what happened. Although, I think she made the right decision.

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  5. I know what you mean. When turmoil and change occurs haphazardly--and this is always how these things happen...randomly and out of the blue--it becomes increasingly more difficult to maintain the appearances that the whole rest of the world expects.

    We'll talk at dinner tonight. I have some Ani DiFranco CD's for you.

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  6. Ani DiFranco is JUST what I need. Catharsis, here I come!

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  7. I'm almost positive that people think I'm nuts the way I go on about things sometimes

    I'm glad you don't care, cause you aren't nuts. Or at least, if you are, there are a lot of us nutters out there :) Just be glad you've still got plenty more episodes of House to go. I'm busy obsessing about a show that's been cancelled. Watched all 13 episodes of The Inside this week and last, and damn it I want more. But there isn't any.

    sigh

    And I totally get discussing fictional characters as though they were real. If you don't try and identify with characters what's the point in watching telly? Just to let it all wash over you? Thats no fun, you have to engage. To worry and speculate. Thats what good fiction, whether it in tv, film or book form, does.

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  8. I have absolutely no words of wisdom to try and help you through this. All I can say is try to hang in there, and do what ever you need to do to try and get out of this period.

    And you're not nuts. Anyone that loves House and Hugh Laurie is not nuts. We just have higher standards. :)

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  9. Consider yourself in our prayers (not that you already weren't, but now even more so).

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  10. Fence, good point. TV and movies are made to be engaged with. I'm engaging to the fullest.

    Amen, Vix. Hugh Laurie is a sexy bitch. And I'll be OK. I got some stuff off my chest tonight.

    Thank you, Cher. :)

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  11. I get that way. Take a couple of days off and do absolutely nothing. Eat, sleep and watch TV.

    Mostly sleep.

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  12. We are all damaged. I had that insomnia thing for a week once, only slept about 30 minutes a night, when I finally fell asleep from pure exhaustion. I hope yours gets better soon!

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  13. And honey, if you need to, break out the Atvian.

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  14. Kat,
    Ohhh, I did. Especially with the eating. Post to come.

    Non, I'm feelin' better so far. Don't think I'll need the ativan this time around, but the next time insomnia strikes, I'm all over. As long as I'm not already doped up on Mucinex. Which is a distinct possibility.

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  15. Crushing Depression? Anxiety? Loneliness? Overwhelming sorrow?
    Yep. Got me plenty, thanksomuch.
    New strategy: Instead of drinking myself unconcious everynight (like I did this week upon returning from vigorous workouts at the gym) I'm going to bump up the compulsive behavior! Yup, double the time at the gym, 1800 calories a day and (the kicker) NO BEER!
    That should induce some nice towering rage. Shoot me now. Please? I won't even complain. Unless you miss.

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  16. Right on, Andy! If only I could find it in me to go to the gym. My nightmare.

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  17. I don't think you're nuts the way you go on about things, more of a consistency if you ask me and I appreciate that!

    I'm really sorry about the sleep thing. I had some of the same problems when my grandfather died years ago, actually I still have issues in that area but I don't know what to tell you in terms of healing yourself. If you get any good advice I would be interested in it for myself as well. I wish there were other ways to deal with my anxiety instead of medication...I'm sure you're feeling the same way

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  18. LOL, thanks, Funky. I like to be consistent. :) I'll let you know if I figure anything out on the sleep front.

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  19. i can loan you my taxation manual if you need to sleep....everytime i even attempted to study over the weekend i nodded off after reading a page

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