Sunday, April 16, 2006
I'm in a supremely horrible mood for the third day or so. Plenty of sleep, day and night, etc. Depression, anyone? Welcome to the world behind the happy face. It could be worse. I haven't broken out the Ativan yet. Although, it's tempting. Alas, I will keep my stockpile in tact until the next time I have a 12-day tension headache that threatens to drag me into the belly of insanity and drives me to wish I could remove my own head with a garden trowel.
I finished the first season of House, M.D. and I have to say, I'm obsessed. We all know the obsessive nature of my personality, and Jake Gyllenhaal has been knocked from his pedestal for the time being. I'm almost positive that people think I'm nuts the way I go on about things sometimes, and I don't really fucking care. It's sort of like that conversation I had with E. about characters in books becoming real to "people like us." Same with TV and film for me. There's some wicked-talented writer behind the character and it's a wicked-talented actor that can give an obsession-worthy performance, so at the root of things it's really artist-envy.
On a more Freudian level, I'm sure it's also projection. And memory. I had my very own House, M.D. a few years ago. Not an M.D. but very House in some ways. Older. Sarcastic. Dimples. Motorcycle fanatic. Etc. Please refer to the name of this blog for how that turned out. It wouldn't have worked out even though he was the love of my life. Short life, yes. True love, definitely. As soon as someone convinces me love is worthwhile again, I'll be back in the game.
The other day an acquaintance who I've steadily gotten to know a little better over this past semester said something to me that made me think. "People often say they wish they'd taken more chances like I did. You're one of those people, Andi, who will get those comments. People will wish they'd lived your life. You're not afraid."
Flattering, yes. Bullshit, yes.
For the last two months I've been almost completely unable to go to sleep at night without the light on or the TV. I can't bear to close my eyes and be in the dark. Something happened in mid-February that brought my grandparents' death surging back, and now I'm so haunted by it that I can't even close my eyes. It's getting a little better now. Some days I can turn everything out once I run myself far enough into the ground.
We're all damaged.
Listening: "Baba O'Riley"...The Who
Happy Easter? Sure. Whatever.