Monday, July 17, 2006

Swing away!

There's been an outbreak of burglaries in my neighborhood lately--or "burgles" as I like to call them to add some humor to the somewhat intimidating possibility of an intruder. I live in a nice, low-key neighborhood with a relatively ridiculous property value. Burgles are not welcome here. The guy down the street had his house broken into while he was on vacation, and when he returned--before he had time to get his bedroom window repaired--the fuckers came back while he was home sleeping. He pulled out his rifle and took aim, but they ran away. Likely with a brownish stain gracing their assular regions. Then another house on the b-lock had something stolen from outside, etc.

As a result, we've made sure to turn on the motion detectors in our backyard as well as the 10,000 lights on our front porch every night. And we have the 3-dog security system also known as the Yapper 3000.

This little situation has also prompted me to seriously evaluate whether or not I could kill someone.

I was faced with this same question, in a much more serious way, several years ago. When I was living in North Carolina (alone) I rented a house (ok, trailer) on a culdesac, across the street from a cop. As you can well imagine, renting across the street from a cop made this single gal on her own feel significantly better about the hood. That is, until I met the cop's grandson--cokehead fucknut asshole. His real name was Chris. Chris was hopped up on a number of illegal substances and took a liking to this sassy then-blond. In fact, he came over high as a kite one night and offered Sherrie and I lapdances (scary thought if you could only see this guy and pretty fucking hilarious otherwise). That was right before he asked me, with bated breath, if I was a virgin. As the newly devirginized, I would've normally responded with an enthusiastic NO I'M NOT! But the creepy factor was a tad high for gloating right then. This incident scared the shizzle out of me, but I was able to get the fuck out of the place for a few nights, and I returned with the expectation that he would not remember this incident and would leave me the fuck alone. Especially after the then-boyfriend came and stalked around in broad daylight to make his presence known and pee on the porch posts, mark his territory, yadda yadda.

However, I was wrong (not the first thing I was wrong about in NC). Chris returned the night I came home. He pounded on the door at close to 10pm as I was innocently preparing for bed. And pounded. And pounded. Until I yelled, "I'M BUSY. Go AWAY." I promptly peeked out the blinds to see his skanky ass stalking around the back of the culdesac property (toward my back yard and back door which had no curtains over it, because they don't make curtains for back doors of trailers).

I fully expected for the druggy asswipe to come barrelling through my back door, so I promptly turned out all the lights, grabbed a glow in the dark flashlight, and secured the perimeter. I stalked through my house in utter darkness, flashlight at the ready, heart beating 90-to-nothing, adrenaline oozing out of every pore. And in that moment I knew I'd kill him (or die trying) if he came into my house. I actually found myself wishing I had a special weapon in my possession. My cousin built a beautiful solid maple baseball bat in high school shop class. It was polished to an impeccable shine and would've looked great right then with cokehead fucknut asshole's grey matter all over it.

I'm not a violent person by any means. I am however very territorial and have an explosive temper when I'm livid, and being scared to within an inch of my life REALLY pisses me off.

Moral of the story: don't break into my house. And if you hear that I made the front page of the paper, you were ahead of the news this time.

Listening: "My Old Friend"...John Hiatt


  1. It seems odd that anyone would burgle on your street. Not that you and your neighbors don't have nice things worth stealing, it's just that anything hastily thrown into a vehicle would surely be jostled to pieces due to driving down the poorly maintained streets in your neighborhood.

    Perhaps it's the Street Department's way of taking a "Bite Out of Crime"?

  2. Hmmm, perhaps you're right, J-rod. I like your thinking. Perhaps the badly repaired streets are in fact another form of security in the way that a truck of any size might disappear into one of the potholes.

  3. You know, I can totally picture you kicking someone's ass--stalker druggies, burgles--if necessary.

    Contemplating whether or not one has the capacity for murder is kind of a crazy thing to ponder, though I'm sure everyone has thought about it at some point.

    I'm sure Scooby would be able to bark the burgles away.

  4. We all know that Scooby is all bark and no bite. Smidgen on the other hand--if that dog can locate the burglers, they will likely perish posthaste.

  5. Oh my God. What's wrong with people? I'm glad he didn't make it into the house. Did you tell his dad, the cop, about this incident? I would've made it very well known throughout the community about his attempts to get in my house.
    It's scarey living alone. Especially when you live on the first floor.
    I hope the Yapper 3000 keeps away the creeps.
    Thinking of you.

  6. assular regions Hilarious.

    The rest of the story was fascinating and pretty scary. You should follow it up like Katarina suggests. A series of posts on people you've almost (or maybe did) kill.

  7. I have had the same thoughts about whether or not I have the guts to kill someone in that sort of situation. There is no doubt in my mind that I would if someone tried to hurt my son. But having a gun puts my son at more risk than the chance of a burgle. So I have decided against owning a firearm. These are thoughts one must process when living next to a crackhouse.

  8. I just got the Swing Away reference. Brain like sludge.

  9. I like burgle... at any rate, you have a right to defend your house, especially now that you've given a warning ;)

  10. yikes @ all of that.

    as a proper Texas girl I am armed and dangerous, so fear for the fool that tries to enter my domain.

    Several years back I did not possess said arms (note the plural) and some crack heads broke in to my car and used the garage door opener to come in to the house while we were sleeping. Thank goodness for that ferocious 3 legged dog I was pet sitting, she bit their asses and they ran away.

  11. that's so weird, it must be this time of year...I live in what sounds like a very similar neighborhood as you and we've had a rash of home burglaries and get this, BMW's having all four of their wheels stolen and left on blocks!!!! THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD! I'm serious, this is so out of "character" but someone is obviously stalking the hood b/c there have been neighbor's houses with the wires to their sensor lights snipped! SCARY! I hope no one breaks into my casa either. I would probably die of fright. Although, I do have a very loud security system that is sure to scare them off, I hope!

  12. Something to think about: if Chris was a cokehead AND a cop's grandson, then police obviously looked the other way when he either indulged or supported his habit. Had you made a police report on him, it would have most likely been ignored, and he would be back at your door for revenge.

    If you actually managed to kill him after he broke into your house, your legal troubles could be overwhelming. Yes, I know what the defense law is in NC (and TX); but laws don't defend the innocent from vengeful lies.

  13. Wow on the NC incident. And, yeah, must be the time of year. Our neighborhood was having one of its sporadic break-in problems but the deputies were diligent and the villains were captured (doesn't that sound glamorous?).

    Having been on the ripped-off end of a daylight burgle, I know the horror and even 22 years post-robbing I'm an obsessive door- and window-locker. The creeps got my engagement ring (but not the wedding band - I was 9 months preggers and only one fit). Anyone else who steals a ring will get cubic zirconia for his troubles. I'm not going down that road, again - deliberately never replaced the rock.

    Yapper 3000. Andi, you're a hoot!

  14. E., I think I owe you a thank you for thinking I could kick someone's ass if necessary. I could certainly put the nearest heavy object to good use if I couldn't land a swift kick to the soft parts. And it's not murder, it's s-e-l-f d-e-f-e-n-s-e.

    Jeremy, she would certainly gum them to death at her earliest convenience.

    Kat, I didn't tell his dad directly, but my landlords did, and while he did knock on my door a few times, nothing ever came of it. And everyone in the fucking town knew. I was a high school teahcer, and we all know how fast that gossip mill grinds.

    Dale, I'll get on that posthaste. Although, I'm not sure I want everyone to know about the Jimmy Hoffa incident. Ooops, have I said too much?

    Beth, one certainly must process these thoughts at various times throughout life (no matter how many people claim they haven't thought it....posers, liars, wimps). I don't own a firearm either, and living in the house with one (ex had one in the nightstand) made me a tad itchy and uncomfortable. I prefer bats and pepper spray, although I'm sure they're far less effective.

    Dale, good job, champ. I'm sure you're the only one who got it. I live for obscurity.

    Kitty, right on! Everyone should read my blog before they attempt to fuck with me.

    Cold, I love that you pack heat. You're my hero. And certainly I'm laying down on the job as a proper Texas gal. We have a pistol in the house somewhere. Might be a good idea to know where that is these days.

    Funky, whoa @ the BMW's! Crazy shit right there. And I would probably be fine in the throes of the adrenaline rush, but I'd certainly turn into a worthless sobbing pile of mush afterwards.

    X, the grandpa (and everyone else in town) found out after my landlords spilled to their daughter the teacher, and I told some of my teacher friends when I inquired as to who the fuck this kid was. Turns out he'd been kicked out of school on drug charges. He never threatened or acted revengy (thank god). I was really worried about that for a long time. As for the law business. I'd rather be locked up than dead. So whatever happens happens...even though it's a sad state of affairs when you can't defend yourself.

    Geeze, Bookfool. Something about summer, eh? Personally, I'd rather burgle in fall or winter when it's nicer outside. Daylight burgles REALLY have balls. The house down the road from my grandparents got hit twice in 2 weeks during broad daylight. Effers.

  15. I like this softer side of you.

  16. Probably shouldn't mention that I usually leave my door unlocked when I leave my apt. Haven't had a problem in 10 years. Be sure that I'll blog about it as soon as I get burgled...

  17. Halt. Read my blog. Know that I watch movies and I've got a bat. And I'll kick your ass. That's how I answer the phone. Not sure what to do if someone knocks down my door.

  18. Sole, attractive isn't it? The next think you know I'll have ball bearings under my skin, spelling out weekly messages. Or maybe I'll kick a bunny.

    Ooooh, Os. *sigh* Whatever works for you! I hope you don't value your valuables.

    Dale, that's a good approach for preemptive strikery. I might try that. As of now, I simply answer the phone with, "Hell. This is Andi, how may I direct your call?"

  19. If you break into someone's home, be prepared to die. That should be written on currency.

  20. Todd, it should. Along with a little graphic depicting the possibilities.

  21. There's plenty of people I could kill easy, it's the prison that would do me in. That's the only thing that keeps most people from murdering half the population.

    Good story.

  22. slightly freaky alright.

    some idiot came in through the patio door of one of the guys i work with's apartment and stole her wallet and phone - there was barely any money in the wallet and the phone company barred the phone. what an idiot.

    i think i would probably explode with fear if i caught a burglar in my house :/

  23. Thanks, Rob!

    AMS, what a stupid thing to steal. I say if you're going to risk life and limb breaking into someone's abode, make it worth it!

  24. Great song (My Old Friend). We saw Hiatt a few weeks ago in Omaha. Fantastic show. Perfect venue (outdoors at Stir Cove/Harrahs). It amazes me that so many people don't know who he is.

  25. Les,
    I just discovered him not long ago. I was bummed that I didn't get to see him when he played in Dallas recently. I'm definitely going to be in attendance for the next show, though!

  26. Well, there is the old spy saying: "Better to be tried by twelve than be carried out by six."

    My point was that you didn't have to make that kind of life and death decision. Such is quite rare. True, we hear it on the news every other night. But that vastly distorts the reality that most of us live in, as it foreces upon us a skewed perspective that gets our attention. After all, it's scary.


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