Worthless time-wasting bullshit, Batman!

Things I plan to do today:

1. Go to Colloquium.

2. Avoid reading The House of Mirth.

3. Watch Donnie Darko and do whatever comes out of my overwhelming lust for Jake Gyllenhaal. And I admire his brain, too. He went to Yale for a piece (of time, not ass, although I'm sure he ran into some of that too).

4. Finally get around to reading The House of Mirth when it's too late to concentrate.

5. Put up the NEW TEMPLATE Heather was kind enough to make for me. It's very springy and I *heart* it. It even has a Great Expectations quote. Rock out, Estella.

6. Mull over the state of the world and then give up, choosing to read The Onion instead of real news.

Which brings me to....THE BEST ONION HEADLINES I've read lately:

• Sharon's Neurotransmitters Reach Cease-Fire Agreement
• Ghost of Brando Urges Man to Finish Whole Cheesecake
• Secretary of Agriculture Keeps Bragging He's Ninth in Line for Presidency
• And from the coveted "Education" pages: Bob Marley Rises From Grave to Free Frat Boys from Bonds of Opression

On TV: There is none.
Listening: To the sounds of Joaquin Phoenix singing "Jackson" in my head.
Reading: A universally disturbing blog.
In my head: Joaquin Phoenix. Pay attention.

For Andies (that's a plural)

Before I get to all that...

I posted new stuff (for the first time in ages) at Projectile Reviews.

I'm adding these MOST lovely gifts from Amanda and Heather to my blog for 1) posterity 2) so I can look at them conveniently whenever I want.



From Heather the most sweetest wonderful blog goddess EVER!


From Amanda that hit the nail RIGHT on the HEAD! I should spread this one around to all my grad school peeps.

Blahdy hawwwww....(some random shizzle)

I am an insomniac misanthrope and that makes for one vapid wench. Don't I look vapid? The happy face is part of a delicately staged plan to take over the world. But I really can't sleep. Again.

My hair is FADING! A girl doesn't pay $95 and $18 EACH for a bottle of shampoo and conditioner to keep it from FADING just to have it revolt! My red is not nearly so brilliant as it is in this pic. I want to FLAME, and not in a "bend me over and stick it to me Jake Gyllenhaal" way.

My gastrointestinals are tap dancing.

Todd is right, Ann Coulter is a cunt.

Eiluned has gotten me addicted to celebrity crushes, and here's who gives me a woody:

Jake Gyllenhaal...because I really would bend over and ask him to stick it to me. Did I say that out loud for all the internet to read? Hell yeah, I did! I used to think he was funny-lookin', but I've seen the light.










The Joshes....Josh Lucas (Glory Road, Sweet Home Alabama) and below...Josh Holloway (Lost).



Both of these boys appeal to me with their sweetish southern characters and sexy-ass scruffiness. Because scruff is where it's at. I don't know about you ladies, but I imagine they'd be the type to throw down in the kitchen for dessert. Maybe it's just me.

I admit, I've even read a bit of Lost fanfic. Whoa NELLY! The imaginations of some of these viewers get me a little hot under the collar. The Sawyer/Kate pairings are smmmokin'.

Ok, enough of my pervness. I'm going to bed. John Mayer and I bid you adieu.

TV: long gone
CD: John Mayer Live in Birmingham..."Message in a Bottle"
Reading: BUST Magazine and The House of Mirth
In my head: No good.

Me! Me!

Heather tagged me!

Four jobs I've had:
1. Computer lab assistant
2. Web Designer/E-business person
3. High school teacher (world lit)
4. Community college instructor (developmental writing)

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. You've Got Mail
2. The Mirror Has Two Faces
3. Funny Farm
4. Sweet Home Alabama

Four favorite books:
1. The Hours (Michael Cunningham)
2. The Cider House Rules (John Irving)
3. The Great Gatsby (F. Scott Fitzgerald)
4. What I Loved (Siri Hustvedt)

Four places I've lived:
1. Tiny Town, Texas
2. Waco, Texas
3. Warsaw, North Carolina
4. Beulaville, North Carolina

Four TV shows I love:
1. Lost
2. House Hunters
3. Family Guy
4. Desperate Housewives

Four of my favorite dishes:
1. Anything Indian...tandoori, biryani, curry, naan, whatever.
2. Hunan chicken
3. Tortilla soup
4. Crock pot pork chops

Four sites I visit daily (all on the sidebar):
1. A High & Hidden Place: Heather
2. Blog Jar: Amanda
3. NonVocabulum: Dena
4. Viva las Vegass: Todd

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Topsail Beach, NC
2. Robbers Cave State Park (Oklahoma)
3. Myrtle Beach, SC
4. Memphis, TN

Four bloggers I am tagging: Anyone who wants to steal it!

Drunk Post

This is my first drunk post ever. I'm so drunk I can't feel my lips. I'm 25 and this is the drunkest I've ever been in my life. I'm not bragging...but just glad I've finally felt what everyone else always raves about. Although, not sure I ever wanna be back here. I should leave all the typos, but I'm too prim and proper for that shit.

Went to the gathering tonight. Two of my profs asked me if I'd like to teach a couple of their lit classes this semester. I take that as a total honor that they would trust me to take over for a day or two. It would be a great learning experience, and I'm totally gonna do it.

Thank you to Jeremy for playing driver tonight and Elise for sharing her secrets.

It's nice to step out of myself sometimes.

G'nite everyone. And think about me when I'm throwing up my guts in the morning.

Note: It's the next morning and I'm not throwing up. Yay! Although, I feel a strange need to apologize for whatever I said that was weird and/or offensive last night. I don't know that I said anything..but I might've. I went to Taco Bell with no shoes for heaven's sake.

Freak o'the Week

I'm still here with no nervous breakdown in sight. Worry not my lovelies.

Went out with Eiluned (check out her blog on my sidebar) from work to see Scott Speedman's hip dips in Underworld: Evolution tonight. Surprisingly, we also happened across the craziest motherfucker I've seen in a while.

I got out of Modern American Lit a little late and was running late for the movie. I returned a call Eiluned had made to my cell phone and she was at the theater but hadn't gone in because this freaky-ass guy had attempted to talk to her through her car window and lure her into the dark theater. Great! So when I arrived we met up in the lobby, bought the obligatory high-fat snacks, and proceeded into the theater passing crazy-ass on the way down to the middle of the rows. We kept hearing a weird clicking that we figured was either him throwing those little firecrackers that explode when they hit the ground or he was jackin' it like there was no tomorrow.

Not far into the movie he moved down in front of us, which actually made us feel delightful because there wouldn't be any chance of him sneaking up behind us. He talked to himself throughout the whole fucking movie, even taking it upon himself to make werewolfie noises during the fight scenes.

As the movie ended we made a mad dash for the door, keys at the ready, and managed to peel out of the parking lot before he could stumble to his car or into our personal space. Victory! Not sure what was wrong with him. I'll venture a guess: drunken sociopath rapist with a touch of schizophrenia.

I have to say, the movie was EXCELLENT, as were Scott Speedman's hip dips and it had one of the most panty-dampening love scenes EVER. So tasteful and so damn hot it could make an 80-year-old nun moan for joy.

On TV: Everybody Loves Raymond
Listening: James Blunt
Reading: The House of Mirth (Wharton)

Stream of crapciousness....

I wish I had something witty to say. I could come up with something, but I have other things on my mind. Private thoughts and massive confusions. Feels a bit like I'm going to bust. I have a ton of work to do already and am already behind. I'm excruciatingly happy with school even though I'm behind. I hope we all get drunk this weekend (don't normally yearn for that sort of thing). Something's missing. I wish it was a few years down the road already. The outside finally matches the inside. This is bullshit that belongs in my head but there's very little room. I wanna be like _____. I wish I was a little more daring. I'm horny. And hungry. And I can't sleep. Compliments physically make me cringe sometimes. I wish people would lay off telling me how proud they are until I do something worthy of being praised. I'm just not done yet. The PostSecret needs to go out, and there will be trouble in its wake. I will probably chicken out. I think too much.

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days.
Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings and designer love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days.

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again.

OH MY GOD!

I just saw one of my high school students from North Carolina on American Idol and HE MADE IT TO HOLLYWOOD!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!! I screamed, I jumped around, I screamed some more! Must get his address and send him flowers and chocolates and teddy bears tomorrow! He was always the sweetest, most polite kid, and was ALWAYS talkin about American Idol, so I'm SO SO SO proud of him.

GOOD LUCK Jordan Southerland from Beulaville, NC!!!!!

YAYYYYY!

Happy Birthday, Heather!!!!

Happy Birthday, Heather!!!! I hope you have a wonderful, fantabulous birthday, and I hope it's the beginning of what will be a joyous year for you. You've been through a ton of tough stuff lately, and I truly admire your ability to keep things in perspective and stay positive. I've been so lucky to get to know you these last several years, and I'm not sure what I'd do without being able to talk books and life with you in our book groups and on our blogs. The next time I'm in NC...we're havin' lunch and book shopping!!!!!

Sunday Miscellany

Did a big update of the sidebar links today. I added several miscellaneous sites to the "Snark" section including Disgruntled Housewife, Heartless Bitches International, Dubya Bubbles (go over and throw Dubya around...drag him by his head...toss him to and fro. It's great), and PostSecret. Of course, everyone already reads PostSecret, and I have been for a LONG time, but I'm just now getting 'round to a link.

I'm also preparing my very own PostSecret to send in. It's a delicate balance though...must find a combination of words and pics that won't inflame the whole world and send us all up in a cloud of radioactive smut. Actually, it would probably make you all say, "Oh, that poor girl." But fuck it. It's ANONYMOUS.

My favorite quote from Sister Carrie, by Theodore Dreiser...so far anyway.

"When someone of her mind sees many things emphasized and re-emphasized and admired, she gathers the logic of it and applies accordingly. Drouet was not shrewd enough to see that this was not tactful. He could not see that it would be better to make her feel that she was competing with herself, not others better than herself. He would not have done it with an older, wiser woman, but in Carrie he saw only the novice. Less clever than she, he was naturally unable to comprehend her sensibility. He went on educating and wounding her, a thing rather foolish in one whose admiration for his pupil and victim was apt to grow."

One more chance keeps staring back.
Your little words and a shot of Jack.
You learn to leave,
You learn to leave,
Know when it's over.
I think I took too long to call you.

And you smile like no one knows you,
And you smile like no one knows...

Disco in the cold trying to forget you,
Then you come around,
Then you come around.
Dancing all alone you're holding all your secrets close.
Disco in the cold,
Disco in the cold.

--Majorette...."Disco in the Cold"

First conference coming up in three weeks or so. Holy shit I say.
Must: make hotel reservations, write one paper, read several books, buy new clothes, pimp self so as to have enough positive cash flow to cover the event.

This post brought to you by Manic-Andi now resisting sleep and dreading work tomorrow, not because it's unpleasant, but who wants to get up early?

Watching: Sex & the City
Listening to: "Mandolin Rain"...Bruce Hornsby

Tater Tot Casserole

Here's the long-awaited Tater Tot Casserole recipe. Enjoy it my lovelies.

1 bag frozen tater tots
1 pound ground beef (or turkey if you prefer)
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 can cream of celery soup
1/2 an onion chopped
1 1/2 cup cheddar cheese (1 cup in the mixture, 1/2 cup on top)
1 cup of sour cream

Preheat oven to 350. Brown ground beef (and I saute the onion with it). Mix all ingredients and throw 'em in a casserole dish. Put a layer of tater tots across the top of the casserole. Bake until tots are done, about 40-45 mins. Remove from oven and top with cheese (it says 1/2 a cup, but I throw a butt-load on there cuz I love me some cheese). Let sit so cheese melts, or put back in the oven a few mins. Serve hot.
If you don't like celery or mushrooms, cook it anyway. You can't taste either one. I know this for certain because I tried it out on David and he doesn't like mushrooms.

Mad scientist strikes again....

New hair. To go with the new nose ring.





Lil hard to tell here, but it's a dark brown, auburn (red-almost-purple), and obviously the supa' blonde streaks. I freakin' love it. Must get a red nose stud now. Will get some pics in the sun soon so you can see the color better.

Andi does the alphabet...

Stolen from Cincy....

[A is for age:] 25 and graying nicely.

[B is for booze of choice] Amaretto sours....mmmmmm. Or a Catholic Schoolgirl (vodka, apple pucker, Red Bull, and cranberry juice).

[C is for career] Scholar in training. Also known as graduate assistant.

[D is for your dog's name:] If you don't know this by now you don't come here enough.

[E is for essential items you use everyday:] Q-tips, toothbrush, facial cleanser, moisturizer, and 38 pounds of lip balm/gloss. Oh, and mascara. And bottled water. And a CD player.

[F is for favorite song(s) at the moment:] "Stolen Car" Beth Orton; "Vultures" John Mayer; "You're Beautiful" James Blunt; "It Ain't Me Babe" Johnny and June Carter Cash; "Summer of 69" Bryan Adams.

[G is for favorite games:] SIMS2...the object: to make 'em as freaky as possible.

[H is for hometown:] Little Bitty Town, Texas

[I is for instruments you play:] I played a mean recorder in elementary school.

[J is for jam or jelly you like:] Red plum...just like my grandma used to make!

[K is for kids?] No thanks.

[L is for last kiss?:] Couple of weeks ago.

[M is for most admired trait:] My bone-crushing ambition. And sweet disposition...*snork*.

[N is for name of your crush:] Reese Witherspoon.

[O is for overnight hospital stays:] When I was six and had my tonsils out. Who let's a guy named Ripp take a 6-year-old's tonsils out?

[P is for phobias:] Ghostphobia, failurephobia, and kidphobia.

[Q is for quotes you like:] I'm too fucking lazy to look. And you can quote me on that.

[R is for biggest regret:]Not getting to know my dad better before he died.

[S is for sweets of your choice:] Cheesecake on a bed of milk chocolate and caramel maybe with some nougat on the top and a side of milkshake.

[T is for time you wake up:] 7am

[U is for underwear:] An ungodly assortment of colors, textures and cuts including satin, cotton, boy shorts, string bikinis and the cutest pair with martinis all over.

[V is for vegetables you love:] Corn, broccoli, cauliflower, and green beans.

[W is for worst habit:] Bitchiness.

[X is for x-rays you've had:] Ankles. Lots of ankles. If I'd stop breaking them they'd stop x-raying them.

[Y is for yummy food you make:] Tater-tot casserole, salmon, broccoli salad, low-carb cheesecake, tilapia, and anything else your heart desires.

[Z is for zodiac sign:] Scorpio...the selfish queen of sex with great intuition. Yep. That's me.

TV: news
Listening: "Stolen Car" Orton
Reading: Sister Carrie (Dreiser) for next week.

Grind in full swing....

My first day back in the game went reasonably well. I woke up sick as a damn sick person this morning. Was just short of throwing up my toenails (for real this time), but I managed not to. Colloquium is Colloquium, there are three new graduate assistants, and I'm already nervous about Modern American Lit. Picture Books, on the other hand, looks really promising. I'll probably be able to do some more work on my graphic novel/fairy tale stuff that I'm thinking of turning into my thesis. That could be velly velly good for me. Or maybe I'll do something completely different...at least I have options.

Other randomness:

I've officially lost the 10 pounds I gained last semester. My jeans feel like heaven, and I'm once again very close to wearing my "skinny jeans." You Sex & the City fans know what I'm talkin' about.

I just finished reading Brokeback Mountain and I'm terribly depressed that I will likely never write anything remotely as good as that story. Gay cowboys. Why didn't I think of it?

I'm going to bed. Must read stuff for Modern American tomorrow. ASS. WHIP. But I say that with love. Let there be no mistake.

Listening to: "Trip Around the Sun"...Jimmy Buffett and Martina McBride
Reading: Some more Annie Proulx stuff.
In my head: Disorganized chaos.

Just Do It

Go read Annie Proulx's very short essay entitled "Hotel Books." All my bookworm lovelies...you'll probably love this hard.

Click here for her website...then click "Essay" up top.

Niblets

Scooby is back at the vet's office for the week. Mom took him in to have his sugar checked and it had gone back up, so they're gettin' him started on insulin shots. Many frowns here, but I just want him to feel better.

Things I'm obsessing about:

• Writing
• Annie Proulx ("Brokeback Mountain" writer..the short story)
• Walk the Line - 1. all the Golden Globes it won tonight (yay!) and 2. the recordings of Reese and Joaquin singing the songs from the movie. I downloaded several, and I've been listening to "It Ain't Me Babe" for over an hour.
• Josh Lucas. Gotta go see Glory Road.
• Creative writing ideas that, as of tomorrow, I will have no time to flesh out. Fuck.

Watching: Subway commercial
Listening to: "It Ain't Me Babe"...but I'm about to switch to Miranda Lambert (Kerosene) or maybe I'll listen to a Johnny Cash CD. I'm in the mood for John and Bob Dylan singing "Girl From the North Country."
In my head: Too much. I may spring a leak.

On Short Stories: A Personal Musing in One Part (one official part, but two paragraphs...see)

I don't particularly like short stories. They're premature novels...brain puffs that never got loved into life. They're the angsty stepchild teenagers of the literary world standing bold and defiant amidst their authorities but really longing for love and maturity. Maybe I'm just bitter because I'm no Flannery O'Connor or Annie Proulx. Maybe I'm just mad because I don't think I have a good short story in me. A friend says we all have one novel in us. I happen to know I have four novels in me, but short stories...I don't feel those knocking on the inside of my head antsy to be loosed upon the world. The novels are insistent. Bratty even. They claw and scratch and scramble. Short stories don't whip themselves up in my head. They don't jump around like magic beans.

I feel like I should write short stories. Shouldn't I crawl before I walk? And that's a cliche I wouldn't put into a short story unless it was a particularly naughty one that I felt needed punishing. If I wrote a short story I'd want it to be gritty. Completely unlike me in every visible way. Nothing overly polished or contemporary. I would step half out of myself. I would put the academian aside and embrace my roots. The ones I don't think about too often. I would embrace my upbringing. The one that most "refined" people would hope I'd find embarasssing. The Texas'ness in me. The street dances and the rodeos. The smell of cow shit globbed on the foot rail at the stockyards. Grease and rocks and fried fish. Baby rabbits in shoe boxes--a surprise just for me from my grandpa. Crawfishing with bacon on a string, my grandmother chasing my cousin around with a cigarette in one hand and a flyswatter in the other. "Y'all" and "yestrdy night" and horses and trail rides and thunderstorms. The dirtiest, most prceious station wagon on the planet. Johnny Cash and Hank Williams, Sr., and Big Red soda. My ancestors would kick my country girl ass for calling it soda.

Hmm, maybe the story is brewing. It just needs to perk.

Quote o'the Day and Assorted Niblets

Partial conversation between me and friend Jeff on MSN:

talking about Death Cab for Cutie
Jeff says:
tragically beautiful lyrics..
jeff says:
im tired..forgive my gayness
Andi says:
love your gay
jeff says:
you know how I know you're gay
Andi says:
cuz you like balls in your face....

...and a whole "you know how I know you're gay?" thing ensued. Too much 40 Year Old Virgin here folks. I think I've revirginized myself I've watched it so many times.

Niblets:

I'm completely 100% entranced and entangled in my overwhelming love for Chocolate Caramel Enchantment Chai tea (Celestial Seasonings). Holy Jesus. So wonderful it's just wrong. It's my new chocolate fix on my low-carb diet (drop of milk, shot of Sweet-n-Low, and a dollop of Kool Whip...2 effin' carbs).

Scooby's going to get his blood sugar checked tomorrow. I hope it's OK, but he's been sluggish, so we'll see.

Dr. Claw is in the building. And I'm Alevin' on a jet plane.



And this is the best PostSecret ever! Maybe not, but I love it. Poignant, snarky, something we all think eventually. Shut up, you do too.

The Texas sky is the biggest one I've seen
But it still ain't big enough for you and me
All the things that make you mad
And all the baggage in your past
Don't leave much room for a girl like me to be
(Nothing to do with anything, just my fave part of the song I'm listening to right now.)

On TV: The Bachelor (Chris O'Donnell movie)
Music: Miranda Lambert..."New Strings"
Reading: Same stuff. And school stuff.
In my head: Dread.

Sleepless

...in Texas. This is the second night in a row that I can't sleep. Last night it was 3am before I nodded off and that was only after 3 failed attempts, a butt-load of journal writing, and some boring television (Home Shopping Network).


I finally woke up around 9:45 this morning (hate sleeping that late), got dressed, and ran some errands. I picked up the cutest Women Writers tote bag at Hastings that I've been fantasizing about for a while, and I bought a used Miranda Lambert CD to curb the withdrawals from the CD I've apparently lost in the wasteland that is my car. It's like a black hole in there (stop laughing all of those who know first hand and have lost pets or small children to the abyss). Had a good visit with Rachel, annoyed her loving husband, and came home. I dragged Mom out for her first sushi experience tonight (since I'm addicted and all). Actually, that's a big fat lie...she went willingly, much to my astounded wonder. She actually cheated and ate a big ole plate of tempura while I stuck to a Crawfish Volcano and a Rockwall Roll (shrimp, crawfish, crab, avocado, cream cheese, and other assorted goodness). She did at least pick off my plates. I was proud.

I'm bound and determined to be organized for school this semester, so I spent some time prepping binders and moving papers around from stack to stack. Tomorrow: shredding. The highlight: swaying to my beloved John Mayer Trio CD. It makes me wanna get naked.

I actually have a lot on my mind besides this mundane everyday crap, but I can't really talk about it here. Too many eyes.

On TV: turned it off a long time ago
Music: James Blunt..."You're Beautiful"
Reading: Eleven Minutes in about five minutes
In my head: concerns that shall remain nebulous

My pediatric opthamologist is on the news!

I don't know why I'm excited about it. Dr. Stager, Dallas opthamologist extraordinaire, is freakin' awesome and he's the reason I don't wear glasses even though I wore them for 7 hears when I was little.

And I also just saw that scientists have bred three green, glow-in-the-dark pigs. Green from the inside out. Jesus Jehovah and Frank! What are the scientists thinking?

Rain in the forecast!!! HOLY BALLS!!!!

Don't you just love watching the news with me?

A link for Ago-go and any other parties interested in the green pigs:
http://tinyurl.com/bjkej

HNT: For Suzz

This week's HNT is a special tribute to Suzz...the queen of all Bush-bashing. I only hope I can be half the basher you are someday.

For the info on the madness see Os.

Put him out of his misery, thus ending everyone else's misery....

So I have this neighbor. We'll call him Dipshit...because I do that. I call him Dipshit always. He's a moron of the lowest order--loose jaw, blank stare, spit bottle. You know the guy....someone you might imagine on Real World Little Rock.

I was sitting, having a lovely dinner of low cal, high fiber food when I heard a big-ass crash. I figured it was one of two things: my stubby uncle finally come to collect his money and bump us off, or that big Yeti from the Rudolph movie come to have his furry, stinky way with us.

But no. I wasn't that lucky. It was Dipshit and his brother Stumpy playing football. One of their wayward balls crashed into our garage door at a relatively high rate of speed, barely missing the window. And they had better thank Allah the door was closed and they didn't hit my car or they would've been publically de-nutted in my driveway.

I find myself sorry that I passed his tobacco-spitting gullet when he was in one of my classes last semester. May he rot in that special corner of hell reserved for sucky sportsmen or be flogged by an amorous deer on a rainy, miserable hunting trip.

TV: Lost
Music: "Good Love is on the Way"...John Mayer Trio
Reading: Just finished The Subtle Knife...on to Eleven Minutes (Paulo Coehlo)

Break out the champagne!!!

Scooby is home! Frolicky as ever and doing the "Oh God don't leave me again" whine. Must go play with the pup. Actually, that's a lie. He's calmed down a bit now and sleeping on the foot of my bed, but I'm still going to leave this 'puter and go kiss his little 'nauzer nose. Something resembling a real post to come later today.

The Bachelor is back...grab your vomit bucket.

Tonight a passel of lobotomized morons with inhumanly buoyant funbags once again hit television screens all across the land. The Bachelor is back and the douchebags are plentiful, darlings.

I won't go through a whole recap of the show like I did with that guy's brother. The moron from last season. Oh. O'Connell. So forgettable. Slack-jawed. You know who I'm talking about.

This year's bachelor is a mild-mannered ER doctor from Nashville (so I give him brownie points for Nashville) with a big heart and a significant codpiece.

The women are as vomitously annoying as usual. The highlight tonight was a woman doctor who actually told Bachelor-Travis..."I'm getting to the point that my eggs are aging, and I'm really interested in reproduction."

OK, so this is obviously reallyyyy screwy on a number of levels, but I particularly love the fact that instead of saying "make babies," "horizontal mambo," "pop out a litter," "ride the wild bologna pony," she repeatedly referred to it as "reproduction." How medically aware of her.

"He's just like every other doctor...so focused on his career that he has no time for reproduction."

She proceeded to hound him post-rose-ceremony for an explanation about why he didn't pick her.

BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKIN' NUT, BITCH!

But I can't imagine why he didn't want to reproduce with her.

********************************

I missed Steve Carell on the Tonight Show. I'm so upset. I tuned in just in time to be completely disappointed by Billy Currington's complete inability to sing live. Again, I'm so disappointed. I guess he is just a pretty face and nicely airbrushed abs after all.

Listening to (instead of Billy Currington's abs): John Mayer Trio...."Good Love is on the Way"
Reading: Who the hell knows.
In my head: Cheesecake pudding.

Writing writing writing writing writing....

Had a productive lunch with the prof today. She gave me some excellent feedback on my paper. Too bad I won't have time to implement much of it before the damn thing goes off for the grad student awards, but that's OK. I'll be revising for publication soon. That makes me all gurgly just thinking about it. Oy.

Scooby is at the vet. We called today and his sugar is already coming down WITHOUT insulin so far. Keep your fingers and toes crossed that he doesn't need shots and the food will take care of it.

My uncle is still a moron.

The most worthless weekend in history....

I did nothing this weekend. The most nothing I've done in a while.

Yesterday Mom and I got an early'ish start...went to the library, drugstore, hardware store (nothing like flannel-wearing yokels at 9am). We grabbed an orgasmically delicious lunch at Red Lobster. I drowned myself in grilled shrimp, and I could be morphing into a piece of broccoli at any moment now. Last night Elise and Brandy invited me out for sushi (not so low carb), and it was multiple-orgasmically delicious. I was a sushi virgin, but no more! It was all delicious, but I was especially fond of anything with crawfish in it. Yay mudbugs!

Today I have no idea what I did. I made chicken salad. I played SIMS 2. I read 3.5 pages of Understanding Comics, and I doted over Scooby since he's going for an at-least-4-days vet stay tomorrow.

I had something mildly interesting I was going to mention in this post, but, alas I have no idea what it was.

My nose hurts. (Nope, that wasn't the interesting thing).

Tomorrow: lunch with a professor to discuss a paper.

On TV: Legally Blonde
Listening to: John Mayer Trio..."Who Did You Think I Was"
Reading: Understanding Comics (Scott McCloud)
In my head: titanium

Recap...

Amanda tagged me! This is the opening sentence for each month I blogged in 2005.

February: I had a blog before...it died...and now I'm back.

March: Today was "eh."

April: I just woke up from a delicious nap, so wish me luck posting this with any semblance of clarity.

May: Today was a bit of a rollercoaster....surprises around every turn, just when I thought life had become devoid of them.

June: From the moment I woke up yesterday I was in a state of bowel-twisting anxiety.

July: Alright my lovelies...help me decide.

August: My unborn twin is trying to gnaw out the back of my head today.

September: WHAT THE FUCK IS THE GOVERNMENT DOING????

October: I haven't had much fodder for posting lately (and I've been doing a lot of sleeping), but I had to share this tidbit.

November: I'm alive!!

December: To answer Os's last comment, "No, I did not throw up."

In the news...my news.

Scooby is diabetic. He's been drinking ungodly amounts of water, peeing like a racehorse, and not eating as much. Yep. Diabetic. If food doesn't get it under control we'll have to give him insulin shots. *big bad frown*

In better news, I've lost five of the ten pounds I gained this semester. Yay lean meat and green vegetables!

I woke up with a bloody nose stud this morning. Attractive!!! I think I rolled over on it sometime in the night.

HNT: Stick me, baby....

I'm sporting some new bling for this week's HNT. The girls and I had a wonderful night out and my new nose ring is the result of said good time.

We went out first for the most amazing dinner I've ever had in my life. Indian food at the Clay Pit in Addison. I didn't realize we were so close to my very favoritist tattoo and body piercing shop, CAT Tattoo, until I saw the sign. We had discussed, earlier in the evening, Brandy's trip to get a tat next weekend, and I mentioned my desire to possibly get a nose ring. If you've known me for more than an hour and a half you'll know I like piercings and have had my tongue and eyebrow pierced before. I think nose rings are cute, and it's been a good six years since I had a piercing, so I figured it was time. And it was only $25. If I don't like it, I've simply lost out on the amount of money it would take to get an oil change.

My first two piercings did not hurt. Tongue..nothin'. Eyebrow...nothing. This little bitch...hurt like a motherfucker. Not the actual needle through the nose, but getting the stud in. Holy shit. Made me tear up like a pansy on parade. But I survived and I love my new bling.

And, no, it doesn't hurt to blow my nose or sneeze. I've done both tonight several times.

Next up: red hair.

Keep your ass away from Hollywood...

I had a horrifying experience yesterday the likes of which I'm hesitant to discuss openly. This was one of those things that induces instant flashbacks, overwhelming nausea, and forces you to pull the car over and take a few breaths.

I was out running errands and had to whip by the library (the one where I used to work) to return a stack of books. I prefer to use the drive-through book drop when I'm in a hurry because everyone always wants to talk forever. As I coasted toward the book drop I saw an apparition. Or at least I thought it was an apparition. I should've known the 'brary was a bad idea. All the dysfunctional assholes, douchebags, and angry midgets hang out there.

There in front of me, looming large, was a tall, gangly woman. Perched atop her head, a nest of grey old-lady, backcombed, teased, Texas curl-muff. Makeup caked on just so. Paisley dress shirt. Gold shoes. Getting into a land yacht.

I squinted at her. Took a moment. Felt my eyes begin to widen and water. It was....her.

MRS. HOLLYWOOD!!!

I haven't seen this cranky old skeeze-cunt since I was in fifth grade. If I never saw her again it would've been too soon. She was one of those teachers that openly hates kids, and was probably as rich as Richie Rich's great aunt Muriel, but still worked (much to the chagrin of everyone in a 100 mile radius). She did crazy shit. She cooked stew in her classroom that smelled like the poached carcasses of dwarves and gila monsters. She stashed one of Rachel's textbooks ON HER DESK for a year and bitched at her for losing it the entire time, and she had a lilty voice that could make nipples and penises far and wide turn and flee into the body.

Her class was hell. Luckily I only had her for social studies. I always felt bad for the poor schmucks who had to deal with her all the time. Admittedly, we gave her a hard time. We worked her over. We terrorized her. We ran her ass off. I think she started touring the US with her hubby in their gold-leafed RV soon after the retirement. I was sort of hoping she'd taken up residence in a whore house or nudist colony for the aged and socially unacceptable by now.

We should've killed her and put her in her own crock pot.

Morning nuggets...

My dog has a bladder infection.

I look like Bob Marley right now.

I want to go back to sleep so badly I can't see straight.

Alexis Glick is a plague on everyone's house. Thanks Today Show.

I'm going out for Indian food and shopping with the girls tonight.

Vote for Sam!

Go on over to Sam's blog, click on the button on her sidebar, and vote for her for Dumb Cunt of the Year. Never thought I'd be posting something with Sam and Dumb Cunt in the same sentence, but she seems to really want it folks. Let's help her make this dream a reality.

Miscellaneous academic stuff...and GOOD NEWS

It's official, we're accepted to the South Central Writing Center Association conference in Little Rock. This lil extravaganza will take place in late February, and given the fact that all my closest peeps are on my panel--shout out to Elise "The Corruptor", Jeremy, and Daniel "Gooooose!"--it could very well turn into a drunken free-for-all reminiscent of our end-of-semester kegger. And ya know what? Sounds good to me!

So, now I have to try and remember what I said I was going to write about for this conference (calm down, Elise...I'm kidding...mostly) and actually write the 10'ish page paper. Not a big deal. I can crank out 10 in not toooo much time.

I'm doing final tweaks to the paper I wrote for Oral Trad that I'll be giving in Albuquerque a week before the Little Rock conference. I'm gonna be a travelin' fool and broke by the end. Anyway, the paper from Oral Trad will be submitted for a prize in folklore studies at the culture conference in Albuquerque. Wish me luck. It's $100 I don't already have.

This morning I bought the last few books for my classes next semester. I'm taking Contemporary American Literature (Ass-whip 521) and Picture Books (yes, shuddup). $130 worth of picture books, fuckers! And that's not counting the 4 Jeremy is loaning me. Fuckin'-A. There's no more blood in this turnip!!!

On TV: Friends Season 6
Listening to: Evanescence's cover of Korn's "Thoughtless"
Reading: This and that.
In my head: Glorious possibility for grandeur...or maybe just a job someday when I'm done with these degrees.

Pathetic and anonymous...

Dear anonymous poster,

We know who you are. Ever heard of a hit counter? They give a lot of info about you. On top of the fact that it isn't terribly difficult to figure out who you are in the first place. Fuck off and annoy someone else.

Sincerely,

Not Worth It

Best. New Year's Eve. Ever.

Great company, awesome boyfriend, bowling. Best New Year's Eve EVER.