Monday, January 08, 2007

In response to the post below (sardonic giggles ahead)....

As Funky pointed out, coming up with your own memory sentence is embarrassing. I also contend that it is potentially funny--or at least it can be. When I came up with that post, I was thinking of Joshilyn Jackson's post from a while back that described the phenomenon known as "bad author bios". Read on, lovelies....

Pam McNew has some poems in an upcoming anthology, and the editors-that-be asked her (as these people often do) for a short AUTHOR BIO. She wrote the usual, "Pam lives here, does this, wrote that, and now I shall close with a detail, Small and Personal." The end. I AM FOR THAT. I never like author bios that try to be all wacky-funky..."James Blade wears only purple in protest of injustice and lives entirely on seeds and punk music," or worse, mystical..."Joanna Everpoo spends her days dancing off moonbeams, word collecting, and heeding the siren call of her muse..." Yeah. Sure she does, and can someone please pass her a big glass candy jar full of lithium?

I always suspect people with bios like that are 19, and this is their first poem/story/piece published, and that they are going to want to DIE when they look at it again in ten years.

ANYWAY, Pam McNew wanted to write herself a DREAM BIO, you know, uncensored and, more importantly, UNTRUE. A writer friend, James Stevens Arce, picked it up and told me about it, and now I feel it is officially a MEME. So here is mine, and I breathlessly await yours:

"Some people call author Joshilyn Jackson The Space Cowboy. This is probably because she has been to space, and also paradise, and also to the desert (on a horse with no name), and she has even been to me. In a former life, she was the Egyptian Sun God Ra, and that's why she holds her hands like that. She currently captures her prey by half pouncing and half lassoing them, and she can capture several prey items at one time. She feeds on one specimen while retaining the others in her quivering, lashing appendages. She thinks you look tasty."

Okay I stole some of that from a description of the common house centipede. But it is MY dream bio and I can have quivering, lashing appendages IF I WANT. Also I love how it says it HALF POUNCES and HALF LASSOS. How do you half pounce? How do you half lasso? Any creature that can do BOTH AT ONCE is something I want to be, even it does look like the fanged and gelid hairball of my cat's worst nightmares.

So, in response to the post below about poor Burt Bacharach's daughter and Joshilyn Jackson's musings on the bad author bio above, I give you a very true, potentially embarrassing bio that I will NEVER use if I get published in any type of mainstream venue.

"Andi M_____ is a knowledge (book) hoarder and isn't fond of cleaning, wearing makeup, or doing her hair unless she a) plans to leave the house b) needs to impress someone. She has an unhealthy obsession with unattainable older men, fingernail clippings, and cheesecake, and while she may never win a beauty contest, she has a ripping sense of humor (sometimes, when she's not holed up in her bed looking homeless over her winter vacation) and could write at least 32% of the population under the table, which is exactly why this piece of crap got published and you're reading this bio at all. Either that, or she decided to write a horrible author bio for her blog."

Now THAT rings true.

Send me your bios, lovelies.

Listenin: "Mississippi"...The Dixie Chicks

7 comments:

  1. I love that woman; I had forgotten about her and must start reading her blog again!

    I can see where this could get embarrassing so I completely bullshitted mine. :)

    "Heather F_____ came of age in the steamy hot and sultry South. Not a day went by when she didn’t indulge in hot chocolate sundaes and caramel covered kisses and Lord does it show on her cottage cheese ass. A dedicated connoisseur of books; she can read you under the table any day and lives to do so, anytime, anywhere. When not wasting her time depleting the nation’s paper supply by running other people’s redundant copies, she spends her time making out with her hot husband and caring for their precocious 3 year old daughter Eliana. She has a very unhealthy obsession with the shows Bones and House on Fox and often daydreams of what she would do if David Borneaz or Hugh Laurie. She hates to clean, loves to cook and despises anything on her face except marshmallow crème. Give her a bottle of water and she’ll kill you; she hates the stuff. Perfumes make her throw up. Call her cute and she’ll commit suicide, but she’ll love you forever if you say she has an attitude."

    ReplyDelete
  2. I misspelled David's last name. Some obsessive I am! It's Boreanaz.

    ReplyDelete
  3. LMAO @ the "cottage cheese ass," "marshmallow creme" and "making out with her hot hubby." Love it love it love it. Well done!

    ReplyDelete
  4. The Gypsy Poet was born sometime somewhere, and went to some places before settling down in Daniel Craig's lap. She enjoys daydreaming, cooking, tropical flowers, hot tea, and "playing" with her harem of sexy celebrities. In her spare time, she collects books, tea, Asian miscellany, and photographs of herself with celebrities. She also enjoys geeking out regularly, and spends quite a bit of time reading comic books, watching sci-fi TV, and writing that ultimate time waster, fanfiction. She plans on moving to Hawaii with her books, her perfume oil collection, and her collection of internet pornography.

    ReplyDelete
  5. GP,

    Daniel Craig's lap!!!! I love it! Nicely done bio...very "you." :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. ANDI!!! LOOK what I just found!

    "Grammy award-winning singer/songwriter Dave Matthews will guest star as a musical prodigy on the hit US medical series House. The singer will play a savant and piano prodigy who comes under the care of Dr. Gregory House, played by British star Hugh Laurie. This isn't the first time Matthews has been linked to the show - his track Some Devil appeared in an episode in 2005. The 39-year-old has appeared in the feature film Because Of Winn-Dixie and will star in the upcoming movie Lake City with Oscar winner Sissy Spacek. Matthews' guest stint on House will air in March."

    OMG!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. HOLY BALLS!!!!!

    Thank you thank you thank you for passing that along! I'M SO EXCITED!!!! Holy crap! Can't wait!

    And I'm counting the moments until tonight's new episode!!!! Wheee!

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for taking the time to comment! I respond to comments individually by e-mail and/or here on the site. I value community above all else in blogging, and talking with you all is the highlight of my blogging day!