Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Who the H-E-L-L Am I?

That's the question of the day. Week. Month. Maybe even year. It's one I think about often.

My life has changed drastically over the last year and a half. Met a GREAT GUY (waves at Chuck), have great almost-stepkiddos (waves at the Rockets), have a beautiful new son (smooches at Greyson). And sometimes I stop and wonder, "Where did that other girl go?" Meaning, the one who was a wild partier,  dyed hair, facial piercings, attitude and a foul mouth. And snarky. Very snarky. Smart, driven, curious, ambitious to a fault.

Note: I'm not saying I miss the bad behavior, but sometimes I look at this blog and think to myself, "My God, woman, you're so vanilla."

There was a time when I was hot shitake mushrooms in the blogging world. Estella's Revenge was a cool idea and people liked it. Now? Not so much. I even wrote that post about being sort of aloof to the goings-on of the blogosphere--though I meant in the way that I shy away from drama--not that I don't care about the community. Reading posts about BEA and Book Blogger Con has left me a bit envious and sad that I haven't been more involved lately. I feel out of what used to be a very comforting and challenging loop.

There was a time when I was a cutting edge scholar in children's lit. Or at least I was working toward making a name for myself in academia.

There was a time when I was funny. On and offline.

Now? I work for a corporate "college" with a 40-hour week (if I'm lucky) which generally sucks away my will to live. I have really great health insurance! I'm exhausted a lot. More by work than the new baby, sadly.

I'm pretty boring online. I read but not as quickly as I'd like to, and I don't make too many biting observations. Sometimes I wonder if I'm forgetting how to be critical and chatty--at least to the extent I was before.

In short, I feel far more Mrs. March than Dooce these days. I'm not unhappy at all on a daily basis, though I do feel that I challenge myself less because I'm so damn tired all the time. I guess I feel like Andi went missing a while back, and I'm just trying to get a handle on all my new roles these days and simultaneously recover some of who I was before. The good parts. Slightly less of the drunk parts.

So I'm promsing myself one thing: to make myself into someone I admire again. Reclaim some of my snark, my vigor and verve, ambition and originality. I need a "me" makeover.

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