Sunday, October 02, 2011

Personally: Losses, and Hopefully Gains

So I found out on Thursday of this past week that the college where I work will not be enrolling new students on our campus from here on.  I've purposely not mentioned the name of my institution on this blog, and right now I'm very thankful for that. This is one of those issues, that if I don't blog about it, my head might pop off.

Yes, so we won't be enrolling new students, which is just a nice, PC, businessy way of saying that our campus will work with existing students until eventually our campus will close. My job is secure going forward until--well, until I'm not needed anymore. I suspect I have a few months left on the books which is a blessing in itself. I have to make a living for G and myself somehow. I've already bookmarked about a gazillion jobs I need to apply for. But somehow I'm still in that in-between, denial phase of the steps of grief and loss. Blah blah blah.

I cannot imagine not going to work everyday in my office with my colleagues. I cannot imagine not meeting new students this coming term. I cannot imagine not doing what I do now. I can't imagine not being a mentor, a coach, a professor. I cannot imagine not doing all of those things where I am right now. While every job has its icky parts and every company has its flaws, I've really had an opportunity to "grow up" professionally where I work now. I speak differently than I did two and a half years ago. I interact with students and colleagues differently. I am a department chair, for heaven's sake, and when did I think I'd get into the administrative stuff? Never.

It fucking sucks. I cry when I stop to think about it too long. I'm angry that I can't just keep doing what I love where I am now with the people I've hired, the team of instructors I've helped build, and the colleagues around me that I enjoy so much.

Surprisingly enough, I'm not terribly worried about the financial side right now. Given that I am still employed for a bit, I have an opportunity to bulk up my savings. There will be severance or unemployment at the end of the road. Part of me immediately moves into get-another-job mode. But another part of me wants to stay until the wheels fall off. Be with my students until the last day. Until they lock the doors.

I got into education from the very beginning in an effort to help students. To affect them in ways I was affected by my own professors. I got into a career college--a technical school, if you will--purely by chance, and it has changed my life. I have students who might not have survived at another institution because of their lives outside of school or their inability to attend on a more "regular" basis. Some of them need help with childcare, others with transportation, some with motivation, and some with focus. They're like students in other places in a great many ways, but more remarkable and more challenged in some other ways. I admire them, I am frustrated by them, but I love them. More than they will probably ever know.

There is always an outside chance we might be acquired by another institution. I hope for that. I hope that glimmer comes true.  But in the meantime, I'm ducking my head and plowing through like I always have. Doing the same job for the same reasons but with a little crack in my heart. I'm daunted by what will rise up in front of me in the coming months, so please say a little prayer. It'll all work out, and I truly believe that. In the meantime, I just need to know I'm not the only one praying about it.

31 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear this. It's strange to even think about a school closing! I hope everything turns out well for you, you'll be in my thoughts.

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  2. {{Hugs}} I do hope everything works out the way you want it to.

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  3. I hope it all works out! I know those kids, love you and I remember how fulfilling it was to be there. I'm praying for you guys!

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  4. I'm with you...this news is what I fear every single day. I too have purposely not named my institution in any of my posts because we actually have administrators that lurk and read Facebook and blog postings...I would love to talk daily about the increasing frustration at work...about how so much of what we do seems to have nothing to do with education and the students we are supposed to serve. But, I don't dare...because I need my job...I'll be thinking about you...if necessary, I know you'll find something else. I can't imagine a more valuable commodity for any business than a hard-working teacher.

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  5. I will definitely be praying!

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  6. I'm sorry to hear that :( Sucks for you and others working there, an also sucks for the students :(

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  7. I'm really sorry to hear about this. In the UK all our educational establishments are under huge pressure, and university departments are shutting down all over the place. It really does suck! If it's any consolation, my husband has been made redundant twice, and each time has turned out to have huge silver linings, and sent him off into jobs or experiences that have been brilliant for him. It may well not feel like it now, but I won't be surprised if in two years' time, you look back and say, okay, there was something really good to come out of that.

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  8. Oh my gosh, that is awful! I've never heard of a college closing. I have no doubt another school will snatch you up quickly.

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  9. Oh Andi. I wish I had some words of wisdom and comfort. I think this is the kind of thing one truly can't fully understand unless one is living it. But know how many people are out here sending positive thoughts and hoping that everything works out even better than you're hoping for. *HUGS*

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  10. I'm so sorry to hear that, Andi. I'm hoping everything will work out the way you wish it.

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  11. I'm so sorry to hear your news. I hope you all get snapped up by another institution soon.

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  12. Thinking of you and sending good vibes your way. Know that we're all behind you -- I'm sure that this will resolve itself somehow and you will continue to inspire others, no matter where you go!

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  13. I am so sorry. That is a seriously tough situation to be in. I hope it all works out!

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  14. Andi, I am so sorry! I'm praying for you.

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  15. Gosh, that really sucks. Here's wishing you the best of luck with everything!

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  16. Andi-

    I am so sorry to hear this! I will be hoping and praying that everything works out in the end.

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  17. Oh, Andi, that absolutely fucking sucks. I'm so sorry.

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  18. I'm so sorry to hear this, Andi. Good thoughts and vibes are headed your directions. I hope everything works out for you in the end. {{warm fuzzies}}

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  19. Well, crap. You're right...that totally fucking sucks.

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  20. Well that sucks!

    Hopefully thought new doors will open at the right time to lead you in whichever way is right for you.

    I have been made redundant twice and both times I have ended up in a better place.

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  21. So sorry to hear this. ((HUGS))

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  22. Oh Andi, I'm so sorry to hear about this. I wish there was something I could do. It sounds like a lot has been happening in the last few months...I'm going to shoot you a facebook message soon.
    love,
    C

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  23. Oh, Andi, I am so sorry. I wish I could be there to hug you in person. You're in my thoughts! Hang in there.

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  24. I am so sorry to hear this, Andi. I hope something works out for you soon!

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  25. Oh honey. I am so very sorry to hear this. I know the struggle you've had to find "the job," the job that made you feel happy and fulfilled. My heart is breaking for you! I will be praying for you and you know you can vent to me any time. Love you Andi!

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  26. I will definitely keep you in my prayers sweetie! I know what it's like to lose a job, especially one that you love. Things will eventually work out, but the getting-there part is definitely not fun. *hugs*

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  27. Oh dear. I'm sorry I'm so late catching up on Google Reader after a long weekend vacation. I have no doubt you'll find something as good if not better, but the unknowing in between is always the hardest part (for me, at least.) All I can hope is that you find ways to escape from worry and enjoy the things you enjoy know.

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  28. That is awful! I'm also hoping things work out well for you and your family. Good Luck.

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  29. Thanks so much for all the support!!!! I've needed it very very much. I'm hopeful, in good spirits, and we'll see what happens!

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  30. I'm sorry Andi, that sucks. it sucks even more when you clearly loved it.

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  31. Wow. I missed this post and am so sorry to hear this sad/stressful/crappy news! :( I've watched (from the sidelines) as you've advanced in your career and it breaks my heart that you are having to deal with this after all the hard work you've put into this position. Ever the optimist, I have a strong feeling you'll land on your feet and find another venture that brings you as much joy and fulfillment. Hang in there, Andi. Sending warm thoughts (from a blustery Nebraska!) your way, dear friend.

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