Saturday, August 04, 2012

Personally: On Loss

It's been a hell of a week. Between work issues and personal ones, I'm exhausted but I'm also feeling like my head is going to explode. Like I can't lie down and have any peace.

Some of you might've caught on that Chuck and I split almost exactly a year ago. There were stipulations on whether or not I would come home. Those stipulations were never met. We've argued about whether I should've come back all year long. But somehow through this whole sordid process I never completely let go of the hope that we'd get our stuff straight. That we'd find common ground. That one day we might even be able to be in a room together for more than 15 minutes without getting angry.

Today, I found out and saw enough to make me finally stop hoping. Stop wondering. Stop expecting a partner. Today I was done. And it hurts all over again. You might be wondering what I mean when I say I was finally done today. I moved into my own place three months ago, I live as a single mother with Greyson. It's been done. But there was still some stupid, mad hope. Some part deep down that believed the best could happen.

I dropped Greyson off with Chuck today. I worked. I met her and her children. She's very nice. I bought some new decor for the house. Some makeup and skin care stuff that I've neglected to buy for myself for a while. I cleaned. I ate whoopie pies and drank a glass of wine for dinner. I half-watched Mad Men and the Tudors on Netflix. I did not read. Too much brain power required.

It's time for bed, and I keep sitting here wondering how on earth to wrap my head around everything I feel. A little cracked. A little broken. Stupid mostly. Really stupid. Like I wasted a lot of time.

I also know it'll be better by the light of day. It always hurts more when the day has been long and tiring. I know I'll get up in the morning, have coffee, grade papers, clean and straighten a little, listen to some music, pick up Greyson, and we'll go on about our routines.

I am endlessly thankful every day for that little boy because he gave my life new focus and purpose when he came into the world. He helped me find contentment. To not feel so lost. So while I'm feeling beaten down, I am not lost. I have quite enough purpose to get through whatever rises up in front of me.

I know I was not blameless in all this. It takes two...and all that. I know I've made him miserable too. That has to stop.

I also know what's good for me and what's not. Arguing is not conducive to contentment. Neither is distrust, jealousy, anger. I choose something else. I choose to cry no longer than the time it takes to get from point A to B in the car. Or the length of a phone conversation with my mom. Or the length of time it takes to write a blog post and get it all out and let it go.

I choose to live a happy life. A quiet life, maybe. But a good one. Always. And to make the best life for my son that I can possibly make.

I accept prayers, hugs, and good thoughts. It never hurts to have friends and family who can hold us up when we feel bad. I can't wait to feel better. It just may take some time.


36 comments:

  1. Andi I'm sorry you're going through this. Life is so full of ups and downs and pains an loss. I'm feeling some of those right now from the opposite end of the scale with long term relationships.
    But I look at my little grandson the same way you look at Greyson, as the bright spot and the shining hope for the future.

    Sending you love and hope and wishes for strength...

    ReplyDelete
  2. I did figure it out but wouldn't have pried. I will say, though, you're not alone. I'm not public with that part of my life, but I'm there with you in many ways. I like the limiting of the crying. It's the shower for me.

    All that to say, I don't know any more. I know I just get up and do. And some days it feels worth it, and some days it doesn't. At least there's wine. :) And hugs. And Jamie Fraser.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am so sorry you're hurting and I'm glad you're finding some peace. You didn't waste a lot of time with that relationship though, because Greyson is a product of it and he's one very special little guy. I'm sending hugs your way.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Good choices!
    Impressed with your declarations of choices.
    Barbara

    ReplyDelete
  5. I kind of got the impression that things were not going well. At one point I even wondered if I was mixing up my remembrances of you with someone else as your posts were indicating that you were going it alone with your son. I'm of course so very sorry to hear this, even more so that you've had hope for the last year and are now back to the hurting stages again. I know that you know that you will heal, but that is little comfort during the rough patches. I do pray for you right here and now that you and he will be able to continue investing positively in the life that you two share, your child, and that at the very least in that way your relationship with each other may heal to the point of no longer fighting and wishing each other well as your lives continue on separate paths. I pray that you find peace and that the path to finding joy again is a short one. I am so glad you have the gift of your son from this relationship and know that you have quite the journey ahead as you see him grow and change. Love and hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. *hugs*

    You know where I am. Love ya babe.

    ReplyDelete
  7. So sorry. But you're making baby steps to move along -- that has to be good, right?

    ReplyDelete
  8. You know I think that you're a rock star for knowing when to cut your losses. Here's the thing...we just KNOW when it's the right time, even if it hurts like hell. And when we know, nothing else seems to matter. It's like this aha click moment. You weren't there three months ago, but it sounds like you are now. And being there will allow you to get somewhere else quicker.

    We all have our time frame. You're a strong woman. This just makes you a wee bit stronger. (and like Jenn said...there's always wine!)

    ReplyDelete
  9. So sorry that you're going through this. Glad you accept prayers. I'm contributing mine. Many blessings to you and your son.

    ReplyDelete
  10. You're so brave to open yourself up, and I think being honest publicly is a powerful way to hold yourself accountable. For me, once I tell the friends, it's the start of a new phase emotionally. I know you've alluded to issues with Chuck for awhile, and love is always complicated, even when it's easy. I know how hard it is to give up hope, but I also know you can't truly be happy until you do, and I have no doubt you will be happier, stronger and braver.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh, Andi. It is so typical of you to follow up this post with the next one :-) You're such a positive force in blogosphere that I don't think I ever considered that other parts of your life weren't very upbeat, too. I hope the faux hawk helps. And if you ever want to vent to someone who doesn't know any of the context, please feel free - I am all about stewing in bitterness and then letting it all come out in one giant blow-up.

    Big internet hug!

    ReplyDelete
  12. *hugs*

    I am so impressed that you made some decisions based on what was important to you and stuck by them; I've had people I'm v close to refuse to end relationships that are clearly far more negative than positive because of their fear of being alone. It takes a strong woman to do what you've done, and now you're free to rebuild your life.

    That being said, I'm so sorry that you're going through all this, and if you need to vent, definitely e-mail me. Or if you want to come down & have a weekend away from it all, we have a guestroom! Sending you lots of good vibes.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I pretty much figured out what was going on, especially after you moved. Oh, Andi, I wish I could be there to give you big, big hugs and support! You are doing the right thing, both for you and for your little boy. It hurts, I know it does and I wish I could make that go away for you. But you are a wonderful mom and a very strong person (you'e a Scorpio, after all, lol!) and you will come out on the other side knowing you did the right thing. Go listen to Stronger by Kelly Clarkson on repeat a bazillion times and lift your head up, girl. I'm praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I had no idea that you were going through all this ((HUGS)) It must have taken amazing courage to write this post. You are strong and you will get through this.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I had no idea about any of this. I have no advice but I wanted to say that there's nothing wrong with a quiet life, nothing wrong with just focusing on your son and making him happy.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Things do always look worse at the end of a bad day. I hope they are starting to look up. It's hard to do what you know is right when it hurts, but things have a way of working out. Good luck, and keep your chin up. You have many people wishing for good things for you.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I have nothing helpful to offer except to say that I think the positive choices you're making for you and Greyson are amazing considering what you're going through and that writing this post is incredibly brave. Sending hugs and happy thoughts your way!xx

    ReplyDelete
  18. Like everyone, I'm thinking of you! We've all been there and just remember it gets better. Seems like you are keeping super busy and that often helps. Stay strong! :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Things always look worse in the evenings after a long day. In the end, know that you did the right thing for you. You are a survivor, girl. You WILL survive this!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hugs, Andi. You know that crazy stupid hope you were talking about? It's okay to have that but it's also good to know when to let go and it sounds like you knew exactly when to do that. I'm going through the exact same thing right now. I think the greatest thing to have in this kind of situation is knowing who you are and what you want most. I'm wishing you lots of joy and peace in the days to come.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Sending all the positive vibes I possibly can your way. You are so brave to open yourself up and share this personal side with us. Having watched my mother go through a really tough time this past year with my father, I've seen just how complicated endings and beginnings can be. But like we always tell our mom, she has her children every step of the way and you'll always have Greyson to keep you grounded! You'll find peace and joy before you know it!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I am sorry. I don't know what to say about how much pain you have been through, or what to do for you to help make it go away. But I do know that you are strong, and wise, and very, very loved by your community. I will be praying for you. For peace and healing in your heart, for laughter and lightness in your soul, and above all for strength.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I'm glad we talked a bit on Twitter yesterday and you went with leaving this up. So many people are there for you, virtually! I'm sending you a Big HUG.

    ReplyDelete
  24. So sorry you're going through all this, but at least you have your beautiful baby boy to keep you focused on what's most important. ((HUGS))

    ReplyDelete
  25. Well, sh*t. Andi, I am so sorry. I didn't know you and Chuck had split up. Times like these make me hate the internet. I want you here, or me there, so I can give you a hug and make you a peach pie and babysit Greyson and read him silly stories while you drive from point A to point B and cry. I know Virginia is a zillion miles away, but if you ever need to escape, know you have a haven here.

    Wishing like mad I could do this in person . . . *hug*

    ReplyDelete
  26. Sending so many positive thoughts to you. When things shift, it takes some time to figure it out and make sense of it in our hearts, even if our heads have accepted it.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Love and hugs to you, Andi -- you're awesome and strong.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I'm glad to sending prayers, hugs, and good thoughts your way and hope some sadness goes away.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Here for you, doll. I have been through this myself about 12 years ago with my first husband and it is not easy to let it all go, no matter who left, or what happened. There's always that hope and sometimes when you realize that it's not going to work out, it's like the break-up happens all over again. I'm sorry you're going through this, but your love for Greyson is so uplifting and a great reminder that there is always hope, but it just might be in ways we never expected to find it. Being with someone isn't always the answer all the time, so finding peace and love in new things and with your son is key and it sounds like you are on the right road, no matter how many bumps and rocks are in your way. It'll smooth out soon. Peace to you, my friend. Let me know if you need anything at all.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Oh, Andi. I'm so sorry you've been having a hard time. I wish I had commented on this sooner, but I just saw it now. A million million internet hugs, and I hope you are taking good care of yourself. Hug hug hug hug hug.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Sorry to hear that you are hurting. It's hard to end something you went into with so much hope, especially when you have a child together. I like the idea that you've given yourself permission to cry - you have every right to be sad. Hugs to you!

    ReplyDelete
  32. I just read this today and I don't comment often on your blog, but I am sorry to hear about this tough turn in your life. Glad you have books and friends and your mom and especially Greyson to get you through. You've got resilience too.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Here I am as usual, late late late. But, I can so relate to this post. My first husband left his son and I when our boy was three. Then he died when my son was six. It's been a double loss for us, from which my son still mourns. Anyway, this is not about us. It's to say that things in life happen, we live in a fallen world with many disappointments; we are all broken people. But, we are not given a spirit of fear, but of power and love. We are not meant to live with people who hurt us, of this I am convinced. You will find much joy with your son, you will find a man to love you both properly, and I will pray for God's blessing on you in this area. He is faithful. Promise.

    ReplyDelete
  34. I'm reading your posts backwards so I know that you are feeling better, but just wanted to send some positive thoughts your way. Grayson is lucky to have you as his mom. I hope the tears become less frequent and the contentment stays with you.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I'm even later than Bellezza and stacybuckyeye... but I couldn't let this post go without sending you a huge internet hug. I had a feeling many months ago that you and Chuck had split, but didn't feel comfortable asking if you were ok. I figured you'd let us know what was going on when you were ready. Oh, girlfriend. I've been there and while it sucks, let me tell you that I wouldn't change a thing about my own situation (married at 19, baby at 22, divorced at 23). My first husband and I may not have had what it takes to stick together at such a young age, but we wound up with a wonderful little girl who has grown into a beautiful and happy young woman. Her presence help me get through some very rough periods in my life, bringing me so much joy and happiness, as I'm sure Grayson does for you. He is obviously well-loved by both of his parents, siblings and extended family and you are not only taking great care of him, but great care of yourself. I know you can weather the rough days ahead and I know there's a love out there for you. When I'd just about given up on love, it found me and after almost 24 years of marriage, I can still call him my very best friend.

    Love ya, Andi!

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for taking the time to comment! I respond to comments individually by e-mail and/or here on the site. I value community above all else in blogging, and talking with you all is the highlight of my blogging day!