First, I have to thank each and every one of you who commented on my "On Loss" post or reached out to me via Facebook, Twitter, and other outlets. It's been a very long time since I've had a heartbreak sneak up on me, and I didn't expect this new situation to affect me so acutely. I thought I was fine, and suddenly I wasn't.
It still hurts, it sucks, it's not easy by any stretch, but your kind words, offers of solace, and virtual hugs soothed. Wading through the mire is just rough right now, but better things are on the other side.
As is always the case, reading is my solace. My safe place. My getaway when I need it, or my intellectual stimulation. An extra layer of fun and comfort worked into every day. When I was at my lowest on Saturday, out of nowhere a line came to me:
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
Fitting. I know I deserve better than what I've been through, but it's what I accepted for three and a half years. And I could've sworn that line was something I heard on Oprah in passing. But low and behold, when I Googled it, it's a line from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I can't even remember WHEN I read Perks. I think it must've been in the neighborhood of 2002 because my mom and I were living in my grandparents' old house after they passed away.
In general, when someone mentions The Perks of Being a Wallflower, I don't have particularly good memories. It was just ok. I don't remember it as terribly affecting. BUT, that line. That line is golden and arrived back in my life at just the right time to offer me comfort and motivation to change. With no prompting or re-reading. Just the right time. Like magic.
It's times like these that I'm most thankful for being a reader. The little bits and bobs that stick, stored away until the moment we need them most...nuggets of wisdom and insight and comfort and humanity that come back to lift us up.