Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Turning Point: The State of Things in Andiland

Time marches on. I'm sitting here, middle of the night. My anti-anxiety meds wore off early, it seems. That's a recent step to combat insomnia and general anxiety-induced illness. I had my first panic attack last week. Middle of the night. That was super.

It seems our office's current leadership hasn't had the best effect on me. Besides the casual sexism that rears its head into blatant sexism in our office. In addition to the overflow of work and no steps to control or corral it. On top of all that, I'm being told that I'm not doing my job very well without the person speaking down to me making any attempt to understand our workload outside of his limited scope. What priorities I may have been given before he landed in our office. What priorities will persist when he is gone in a couple of months. While we make a handful of friends on one project, we anger legion besides. I'm tired of playing on a losing team, being set up to fail, and I sure as hell won't stand idle while someone tells me I made this mess. The ship was sinking before I came onboard, and despite every effort to help strengthen the place, the mismanagement and lack of communication is insurmountable.

Way to lead. Way to support.

Way to push me out the door.

All of this stress-induced misery has pushed me to finally, finally make a serious play for the job market. It's long overdo, I realize. One can only sit around and bitch for so long. There was a large part of me that wanted to hang in there at the university. Do my bit for the greater good. Give back to the place that gave me so much. However, that dream is over.


Two or three possibilities lay in front of me right this second, but it's too early to know if any of them will pan out. I'm playing it balls to the wall by writing any of this for public consumption, but I choose to live honestly. This is my steam valve, and I'm letting off some of the pressure by sharing this professional journey. This fork in the road.

I know we've all been there from time to time, I just wish the time to make this move hadn't come so soon. I know many of you may be in the same boat now.

Cheers to us...to finding our way.




35 comments:

  1. Goodness this sounds way too stressful - hope it makes way for a fulfilling new opportunity! Hang in there- May good things come your way

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  2. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

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  3. That totally sucks! I'm sorry you have to go through any of that. Wishing you all the luck finding a great new job. I'm in the same boat - need a new job and trying to get to grips with my anxiety. I'm positive we will both succeed in the end :) Good luck, Andi!!

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  4. So sorry to hear this is still such a mess for you, but wishing you all the best in the whatever the future brings. I know you'll rock it.

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  5. I'm constantly in awe of how leaders can be so blind to poor management (or be poor managers themselves). The company I was working for pre-baby was actually mostly women...about 75/25 (though all of the males were upper management), and the result was an incredibly catty and backstabbing environment on top of the bad management. I know how bad morale can really affect a person and I wish you the best. I hope you find something very very soon...this type of shit can take a serious toll on health. xo

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  6. It sucks that you're having to go through this, and I hope you find something much better very soon... the difference it makes is incredible. I went through a similar situation and am SO happy I got out. Good luck!

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  7. I was in the same place a few years ago. Some nitwit who they brought in to be under me, actually got promoted instead of me and I had the pleasure of being her step stool for a good two years. Me, 20 years experience, her... not so much. Sure, I looked. I was even told once that I did my job so well that the organization didn't see me anywhere else, and yet... they did that to me. I toughed it out though. I know from years at the university that this shit happens and I always manage to come out on top and now, I have. She is no longer the boss, didn't get promoted when I did and didn't get an equity raise to boot. I feel vindicated! BUT, you can only deal with bullshittery for so long. I can't wait to find out what these other prospects are for you!

    BTW, all that crap I went through gave me panic attacks too. I never actually got meds to help with it but instead I joined a gym and rode those ellipticals like my life depended on it. I was in the best shape when I was angry. Now, happy but fat. Oh well.

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  8. I HATE this for you. Working at a university, too, I well know the types of crap you're dealing with. But I'm so sorry it's come to a head.

    I'm sending good vibes your way and am super pumped for the new experiences heading your way.

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  9. I've never been in this predicament exactly, but I've watched my husband go through it a few times. It's rough- on one hand stability is important, but so is your happiness. Being an adult has it's shitty moments. Good luck.

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  10. Hugs. I'm so sorry you're going through all that, but good luck with the job search. I hope you land somewhere that appreciates your talents!

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  11. I am sorry you are having to deal with all of this, Andi. It's their loss and someday (unfortunately too late) they'll realize it. I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do. I am sending positive thoughts your way and all along your journey.

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  12. Thinking of you, and good luck in the job hunt! Change can be hard, but sometimes is necessary, and for the best in the end!

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  13. Hugs. I hate that you're going through all this, Andi. I wish life didn't have to pour on the suck. But I hope that the end result is that you're going to be somewhere where you're both appreciated and happy. Hoping that with all my being! And hoping it happens soon!

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  14. Aw girl, I've been seeing you talk about this on Twitter for a while, and I'm glad that you're taking some steps to find a new situation that will suit how awesome you are. WHICH IS VERY. Good luck! Your blogging friends are all here in your corner! *hug*

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  15. Oh, Andi. I'm so sorry. You're right, change is good and I hope a lot of good things are on their way for you.

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  16. Oh Andi. I have been out of it for a while here -- taking what seem like necessary breaks from most internet stuff for me. And I am so sad to pick up the first post I've read for a long time and hear you suffering. I'm with Ti on this one though my chosen alternative to meds method is yoga -- which I got into big time when I went through major, major, maor family-related stress. Have learned a lot about both stress and anxiety through reading and yoga practice. Read recently that anxiety can be looked at as an interoceptive disorder -- look up interception (related to gut feelings and those internal processes -- appetite, digestion, heart rate, breathing etc. that occur naturally without effort). In my work experience, jerk managers -- and there have been major ones -- come and go. They pass as it sounds like this one will -- but stress will return in another form so it's best to explore ways to harness it (blowing off steam here is an excellent one -- you are an honest and authentic writer). This may be opportunity for learning.

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  17. You're a smart, awesome person and I know you will find a job and a company that will appreciate all of the good stuff that you bring to the table! It sucks right now but there is all kinds of amazing things just around the corner for you, I know it! *\o/*

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  18. Sooty to hear about the way you are being treated.Good luck in your job search soon this will just seem like a bad nightmare.

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  19. Boy, does this sound familiar. I didn't think I would ever get out of that hell hole I was in, but here I am. It isn't perfect, but it is SO much better.

    Hang in there, girl! I've got your back and a kickass recommendation/reference if you need one. Otherwise, fingers (and everything else) crossed that you hear back on one of the possibilities sooner rather than later!

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  20. Good luck Andi! I hope you find something better soon :)

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  21. Witness! In the same spot right now. Have the opportunity to do some projects I could love on a freelance basis but the pay is pittance. Trying to decide if my ego would allow me to bag groceries at Trader Joe's or something to make up the $$ difference...but, yeah. You aren't alone, and like all of us here you have interests and passions outside of work -allow those to sustain you. Prioritize your job search, do what you need to do at work to get by, and read, write and have some fun!

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  22. So sorry to hear and hope you find a better job where they appreciate hard work and dedication. I was in a similar situation a couple years ago and the stress caused me more physical oain. I quit and stayed home and that alone made me feel so much better. Littlest starts K in the fall and it's time to decide whether I reenter the rat race even though I really don't want to. Good luck with the job search, hope your dream job is waiting for you to grab it!

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  23. Panic attacks are scary. I've had some and you must take care of yourself first! You'd think as you get older that finding your ideal work place would get easier, but it doesn't (sorry young people). I like my job but the management is making me look elsewhere. Hang in there and hope you find your way out of this mess soon! Sending you zen vibes. :)

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  24. Wishing you the best of luck in your job hunt.

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  25. Turning Point: The State of Things in Andiland

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  26. Sorry about the stress and panic attacks. I had them for ten years (I didn't medicate, so it was a regular occurrence) and mine were only at night, which has left me with a weird sleep pattern even now that they're gone.

    But, see this as a turning point. Looking back I think of things I should've left, but it took something bigger to finally push me. You've got bigger and better things on the way Andi!

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  27. Good luck with all the life choices. Remember that the only thing in the end that really matters is you and your luck and happiness.

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  28. Awww Sweetie! All the hugs! We can be anti-anxiety medication twins now though, so... Upside? Love you to bits, you know where to find me even when I fall off the face of the blogosphere. XOXO

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  29. Andi, hang in there. Think this through. It may just be another bump in the road. Or not. Who knows. Give it a bit more time and I know you'll take the route you know is the best for you.

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  30. Good for you.

    I left my job of 14 years, where I was a co-owner, in January. Best thing I ever did. I stayed there about 12 years too long.

    "The ship was sinking before I came onboard, and despite every effort to help strengthen the place, the mismanagement and lack of communication is insurmountable." I can sympathize. Good luck to you.

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  31. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. I hope something better shows up soon and that it is a much much better opportunity than what you have now. Working a job that doesn't inspire you is bad enough, when there is sexism added to the mix, it can be so infuriating!

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  32. Oh man, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Fingers and toes crossed that something will pan out SOON.

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  33. I am so sorry to hear about this Andi. I actually faced a similar situation this last winter that led me to leave higher education completely. It was probably way past time. But, as I write this right now, things are looking up and possibilities that I never imagined are popping up. It may not seem like it, but there is something better out there for you. In the meantime, I will be keeping you close in my thoughts and wishing you ONLY the best.

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  34. Sorry to hear things are still going so badly at work! It seemed like such a great job when you got it. I know from being there, that kind of work stress can destroy your health and screw up the rest of your life. Good luck on the job search!

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