Tuesday, November 01, 2016

I'm Too Old for This Shit

I'm nine days shy of my 36th birthday, and I am angry. People in my life who read this will ask me if I'm ok, and some will assume this writing is about them. Really, this is about me. It's about 36 years of experience and observation, understanding and...anger.

One of the first things I talk through in my classes is personal bias. The baggage we inevitably carry because of our individual experiences. I am the daughter of a single mother and an absent father. The granddaughter of an alcoholic. The wife of a sensitive, kind man. The mother of a willful, creative, outspoken child. A sexual assault survivor. An educator. Liberal. I have a lot of biases. I acknowledge them and try to think around and through them. All these things and more have shaped me. But I'm also tired of this shit.

I've been sitting with a lot of thoughts lately. I've been doing a lot of watching through this election cycle. I've been doing a lot of reading and re-reading essays for class. I am a sounding board for dear friends. I think a lot about what being a woman means. What being a woman in 2016 is for me and for those close to me. What it has meant and will continue to look like.

The women I know are the strongest creatures alive. They sit with their daughters when they've been hurt. They teach their sons about consent from the moment they can walk. They hold everything up if their partners check out, step out, or just can't deal. They make the hard decisions. They are observant, detailed, graceful, steely, thoughtful. They advocate, oversee. They know that even when the world is crashing down, school notes still have to be signed and the water bill needs to be paid. Period.

I wanted to tell a dear friend how strong she is today, but the next thought in my head was, "Because what other choice is there?" It's not fair that she has to be strong. But she does. And I do. And you do.

You will do it all. I will do it all. We will do it all.

My tolerance for condescension and perceived superiority is nil. No fucks left.

14 comments:

  1. My first thought after reading this is a big fat, yes. My next thought is that I need a nap. I am also tired of keeping it all together, all of the time.

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  2. <3 is about all I have to say. I hear your anger and I'm with you. Take care of you too.

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  3. I am with Ti on that one. As an aside, Entitlement is a word I loathe currently.

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  4. Yes! I ❤️ this post! I think 2016 will officially be the most exhausting year of my life (so far)--in all aspects. I'm with Ti also--I need a nap! ��

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  5. Thank you for this. I've been noticing my response lately to "Thank you" or various and sundry other comments has been "What other choice do I have?" It is exhausting. But so we beat on.

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  6. It is a sad reality, but yes we must be strong, we must fight harder to keep up. I'm exhausted from this political cycle, and I can't believe I have to keep pointing out some of the insanity the is so obvious to me.

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  7. I'm with Ti. Keeping it all together is beyond tiring, but who's going to do it all? You are spot on with this post!!

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  8. I'm with you on all of this. And frankly, I'm also too exhausted for this shit. Exhausted of putting energy and effort in places I shouldn't have to. That no one should have to.

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  9. I've come to hate the phrase "I don't know how you do it" or "I don't know how she does it" because, like you say, "I" or "she" doesn't have a choice. But you know what... in all that mess, there's still a lot to be thankful for. And when I think about how lucky I am that I don't have to try to keep it all together in Syria, it's easy to find a last bit of strength to simply laugh in the face of condescension. Life's not fair, but I will certainly not let that stop me! It takes more than that!

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  10. You are an amazing woman (and thanks for being a sounding board to my random thoughts that come out of nowhere ;)

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  11. 100% YES! I have been SO tired lately; the strain of having no other choice has been a bit too much to bear. But we will continue to do so because that is what we do.

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