Monday, February 27, 2017

Writing Through Frustration and Right into Thanks

I have been low: worried, anxious, angry, indignant. I have some pretty serious concerns about Greyson's learning and behavior, and tomorrow morning we go to a consultation with his doctor. I know my child well, and I know he genuinely struggles with focus, impulsivity, and hyperactivity.

I struggle with public education's expectations of our little ones to sit quietly and do worksheets all day with minimal time to move.

The fact that Greyson's dad and I are at odds over this stuff makes it exponentially harder.

Tonight my worry and anxiety reached a fever pitch. Last minute nerves don't help. In recent months, since I read Fervent, by Priscilla Shirer, I've taken to writing my prayers. Not all of them, but when it's really serious or consuming or feels urgent, I definitely do. I try to be as specific as possible. To open the steam valve that writing provides.

I wrote two prayers tonight. The first one was a request for peace and clarity. To turn my worries over to Him. To have some solace because my brain was buzzing and my face was turning red, my cheeks hot. I felt like I was going to pop.

I wrote, and I came down a bit. I started mulling over some options in my head. Suddenly I saw more than one way forward. I felt hopeful, and I felt peaceful.

The second prayer was one I didn't see ahead of time, but the need to write it was palpable. Once I had come down from my frustration, I took some time to talk with friends online, to do some private messaging, to ask some questions, mull over some answers. My second prayer was one of thanks. Thanks for truly gracious, giving, generous, encouraging friends. People who will talk me off the ledge and share their own experiences that bring so much comfort when I'm worrying myself to pieces.

Thank you, thank you all, for all you do. Vasilly, I'm looking at you right now.


20 comments:

  1. It's frustrating when school's can't work with kids' strengths. I saw a "fidget chair" the other day that allows kids to move their feet and legs while seated that's supposed to help a lot. Why aren't there any of those in classrooms?

    Good luck tomorrow. I hope you and the doctor come up with some positive solutions for sweet Greyson.

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    1. Gosh yes. I don't know if our district has any fidget chairs or yoga balls to sit on, but I'm hoping now that we have a diagnosis we can work more directly with the school on items like this. The appointment went as well as can be expected. We have a diagnosis and he starts on the lowest possible dosage of meds today. We'll see how it goes!

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  2. It's very hard when your child learns differently. My girls struggled so much early on. No one suggested having them tested until 5th grade, and I think we pushed it. I'm thinking of you.

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    1. Thank you, Anita! We got a diagnosis at the appointment, and I'm hopeful. I desperately do not want this self esteem to be damaged at this early point. He cannot hate school all his life! I hope!

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  3. Sending good vibes out to you and Greyson this morning, dear Andi. No matter the issue, it's always hard on us mamas when our kids struggle. Talking (and writing) through problems with those who know us is always a healthy way to reduce anxiety and fear of the unknown. I'm a worrier and have to work hard at remembering that everything always works out in the end. Sending you a big virtual hug! xo

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    1. Thank you, Les! I never knew worrying until I became a mother. Whoa. And it's so true re: writing through anxiety. It's working for me so far, most of the time!

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  4. Somethings that might help you (I dont know if they would be good/work for Grayson) would be Yoga, Mindfulness and meditation.

    Yoga is simply a low impact exercise routine, that helps stretch the muscles in the body, and encourages physical and mental strength. if you're struggling to release energy, it might help.

    Mindfulness is living in the moment and being concious of what's going on. How you are breathing, is it too hot or cold, and you hungry or thirsty, are you happy or sad? (Defn: a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.)


    Meditation is holding one primary thought in your head and letting go of everything else. Many people concentrate on their breathing. Some people recite the rosary. Say your favourite prayer? After recording your prayer, how do you believe it has helped you? look at a specific painting or icon and actually LOOK at it.

    None of these are specifically religious in themselves, but can be used to support any religious beliefs that you have found to help you.

    Good luck with the doctors!

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  5. I have found writing to be so helpful, and I too write prayers, though I didn't know about the Fervent book. It helps with clarity and gratitude like you said.

    I hope you and Grayson's dad can get on the same page. My friend was having that same struggle with her son. Maybe after hearing all the options, you will be able to come to a consensus. Lots and lots of love to you.

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    1. It definitely brings the positive--clarity, gratitude--into focus, and those are the first things I lose sight of when I'm freaking out. We had a fairly good appointment and some next steps. I'm excited to see how it goes. Thank you so much, Akilah!

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  6. I am a huge proponent of public education but I fear that we have done our young boys a grave disservice in keeping their butts in their seats so much of the day. Shorter recesses, no p.e. every day, bigger class sizes - all kids need to be able to move more. It's no surprise that diagnoses of ADHD and ADD have skyrocketed. It's not that we didn't have these kids before, we just didn't have a name for it and we were better and giving them outlets. It was really hard for my husband to face the diagnosis for ADD for our son, he was so concerned about our son being labelled, for one thing. Prayers that you all find a way to work together to do what needs to be done for Greyson.

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    1. I never realized how big a disadvantage boys are at in public school until I had one. My Lord, it's a big gap. I asked our doctor if she feels ADHD and ADD are overdiagnosed. She said 15 years ago she would've said yes, but there was such a backlash over the initial treatments and diagnoses years ago that she feels now it's actually underdiagnosed. She also feels public schools are partially to do with it, but it's a big web of causes and effects. I've certainly worried about G being labeled, but moreso for failures due to his lack of focus than the actual diagnosis...I think that's where his dad and I diverge.

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  7. Sending you love, light, hope, and loads of good vibes! <3

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  8. Thanks so much for sharing this, Andi; I hope things went well at the appointment and that you were able to find some much-needed clarity. I am a HUGE proponent of writing things down, from a therapeutic perspective; good for you!

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    1. It did go well, and we're starting meds today (lowest dosage imaginable). I'm hopeful, and that's a good place to be. :)

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  9. Oh, Andi, I'm sorry you and Greyson have been having a hard time, and I'm especially sorry to hear that you and his dad are in conflict over it. I can't imagine how hard that must make things for you. Y'all will stay in my prayers. <3

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    1. It's been fairly miserable, but I'm hopeful. We're moving forward! We'll see how it shakes out.

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  10. Andi, I am sorry you are going through this. One of my kids has ADHD and another is on the autism spectrum, and we ended up homeschooling, which worked well for us. But that option shouldn't be forced on anyone because of a school system's inability to have developmentally appropriate expectations for kids and work with their strengths.

    I love the idea of writing down your prayers. That's a beautiful idea.

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    1. For the first time I've thought seriously about homeschooling. Depending on how G's treatment goes, it's definitely not out of the picture. I'm fortunate to have a flexible schedule, so we could make it happen if we need to. Thank you, Steph! Writing my prayers and revisiting them has been soooo so useful.

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