I'm Holding Up This Space for Me

In light of the Kavanaugh hearings, there's been a lot of talk of whether or not to unfriend people on Facebook, whether it's productive to "argue about politics" online, etc. They're the same discussions we rehash over and over, though they never really lose relevance.

My Facebook page, blog, twitter is for me, first and foremost. I don't hold that space up for others unless I decide to do exactly that. I hold up space for discussion every day: in my classroom, in my online classes, and through my work which is in service to others. My anger, my inspiration, my personal struggles, I choose who is privy to those. I choose carefully.

I use my Facebook privacy settings like they're integral to my well-being...because they are. I have Facebook split into some specific groups:

Restricted - This usually includes folks I grew up with or those who live in my hometown whose views are wildly polarized to mine. I live in, arguably, the most conservative district in an already-conservative Texas. I've actually had relatives ask me, "Do you get death threats?" for some of the things I post, and the answer is no. No, because I choose who sees my political postings. I know my audience and I control my message.

Friends - I post to my Friends list usually when it's a well-worded, fairly kind, or personal post of interest to those around me. Family pictures, funny memes of a crowd-pleasing variety, animals videos.

Public - The very least of the categories...artwork, more crowd-pleasing or funny posts, profile details like photos or headers. The basics. Stuff I don't mind my students seeing if they're creeping.

I've had lots of folks I care deeply about, suggest that I stand up as an example to those who disagree with me. Be a beacon of light and hope. Be kind. Put out positivity. Sadly, I'm human, and sometimes I don't have it in me. Sometimes I just want to say "motherfucker" and rant.  See my recent Facebook memes. I'll say it again.  I hold up space for myself. I hold up space for myself online. I love sharing with friends, I love feedback, but at the end of the day, I'm doing my rational discussing of the issues with people in person. That's my job every. single. day. I hope something I've written along the way touched or inspired you, but mostly I'm interested in inspiring myself to keep going, to keep fighting, to keep believing in and taking action, and learning more about my own white feminism, ableism, etc.

today's rage

Barbara Kruger, "Untitled (Your body is a battleground)," 1989.

Before 45 was elected, I wrote this post about losing my "voice" after sexual assault. Well, hey, almost two years later, and after that garbage fire election I stopped writing and reading. Two of the things that make me feel most "me." Surprised? Not really. Disappointed? Yes.

But here I am. It's Blasey-Ford testimony day, and I tuned in for about 5 minutes. Long enough for Ford to tell them she's 100% sure it was Kavenaugh (not a thing that gets confused, in my experience), and then they went to recess, and the news commentators on a network I normally like discussed her girlish voice.

So now I'm sitting here in tears, listening to angry music, and not watching any live streams. I called and berated my Senators, and I'll write some #postcardstovoters here in a bit, and I'll continue to feel rage. Delicious, righteous rage. RAGE.

All we have right now is our rage and our voices. That's it. Republicans have made up their minds, so grab a friend, talk to someone undecided or moderate, and when you have a flat tire on election day, or an awful sinus infection, or it's just a shitty day, go vote anyway if you're physically and emotionally able.

Vote them out.

To hell with them all.

My Kindle Saved My Reading Life

Amazon Prime Day resulted in some off-the-cuff purchases that I don't regret even a bit because the Kindle Paperwhite e-reader seems to have salvaged my dreadful, uneventful reading life.  #sorrynotsorry

My reading slowed to a trickle in March. I was reading with Greyson over the summer, mostly adding the Dog Man Series to my Goodreads "Read" category. Audiobooks were fine on my commute to work, but I only commute one night a week during summertime, so I wasn't making any huge dents that way.

I spend so much time grading at my computer and tending to my online classes in general, that I now find reading on devices excruciating. My eyes are Just. Not. Having it. For whatever reason, my attention span generally can't handle traditional printed books.

I wasn't sure the Paperwhite was the solution, but I was willing to take the chance.

In the month since I've had my Kindle, I'm happy to report that I've downed 12 books. Most of those were actually on the Paperwhite, while a few snuck into the #24in48 readathon and Dewey's #ReverseReadathon via the iPad (comics are so much better on iPad).

I feel...lighter. I'm reading whatever I want to read, truly going with the flow, eating up samples, taste-testing books, and downloading what really grabs me. It's free range reading at its fullest, and it's working for me.

Do you know how much of a relief this is? I'm sure you do, reader, I'm sure you do.

What's In That Bible Exactly? Wrapping Up the Gospel of Matthew

Two months, 52 Bible pages transcribed, 260 journal pages written (Scripture + notes, commentaries, application, thought, questions), nearly two whole journals filled, three and a half pens used.

This is what it took to write The Gospel of Matthew, which is tied for the longest book of the New Testament, chapters-wise with Acts, at 28 chapters. Actual word count has Luke coming out on top, so I have no idea how many notebooks it will take the finish that one. I'll get there in time.

Throughout this experience of copying down and studying the first Gospel, I realized how much more I learn from slowing down, reading closely, sometimes multiple times through, and taking the time to delve into some commentary, and in some cases write notes on a verse or chapter's application in my life. No shit, right? I already knew this was a thing because I survived college and graduate school, but it did bring me closer to an understanding that I never would've felt by simply reading the words. No matter how many times through, I (personally, me) had to write them, spend an exorbitant amount of time with them, and read what others have said about them, eke out the history, search for the context.

This has been a phenomenally enriching experience and a humbling one as well. I can honestly say it's humanized Jesus for me in a way that I haven't felt since I was nine years old. As I was writing the final chapters, specifically Jesus's passion and crucifixion, my hands were shaking. I could see far too much familiarity in the angry, cruel, abusive crowds calling for His execution, turning on Him, spitting, berating, beating, crucifying.

It's also shined a light on how extremely perverted man can communicate the Word. Twisting it and turning it into a gatekeeper to keep people out rather than inviting them in.

I call bullshit.

Jesus is love. God is love. Period.

A Day for Spoons

I take days off from the news. Well, at least partially. I'll still be on the phone (or FAX) with my representatives shortly, and I'll still be working a text shift for my Senate candidate this afternoon, but otherwise, it's a day for relaxing. My academic quarter just ended, so I have almost two weeks off. Next week is a family vacation in the mountains.

Today, in particular, I just feel like lazing through the day. I slept in, Greyson is playing an archery game, I've played a little SIMS 4 in preparation for tomorrow's Seasons expansion pack release.

Last night while G was at vacation Bible school, I worked on writing my way a bit further through the Book of Matthew. I only have two chapters left, and I'm stretching it out.

My husband took the day off just because. It's overcast. I have some fun mail arriving today.

It's a day for spoons. 

#FamiliesBelongTogether: How to Help at the Border

I've been grasping at straws trying to find ways to help with the border separations that are happening, heavily in my home state of Texas. I'm trying to get my anxiety under control to attend a rally in downtown Dallas tonight (alone, hubs is out of town...EEEK!), but in the meantime, I found this list from Alida Garcia on Twitter...an attorney and activist.

CLICKY.

Lower, and Lower, and Lower

It's just one of those days.

I had a friend in graduate school who, when he was feeling beaten down by an asinine lesson, would get lower and lower in his seat. He'd start out in a sitting position, and as the hours wore on, he'd slip down to his elbows, then his head was hanging low, and finally he'd have his elbows on his knees and head lolling like he was about to pass out.

That's me today.

I realize this is a complete and utter Debbie Downer post, but some days I have to unhinge the steam valve.

• My favorite employer is going to such crap. They're moving in the direction of mega classes which means less pay, more work, and less professional trust and respect. But it's for the good of the students (not)!
• My campus leader is just like my old, toxic boss at my previous full-time job. So. Much. Alike. 
• My son lost a classmate to cancer. 
• The US is a political shithole.
• All my empathy muscles are maxed out and it hurts. 

Amidst the mental and emotional clamor, I'm hearing a distinctive and slightly scary call to Do. Something. Else. 

This makes me laugh so much.

I don't know what that means yet, but it's coming. Whether it's a new teaching job, writing more, another degree, a different field. It's something. It's the right thing, but it's scary.

What's in that Bible, Exactly?

I toyed with the idea, earlier this year, of joining Adam's 2018 Reading Bible as Literature event, but I just couldn't commit to anything involving structure. There was much humming and hawing on Twitter, as often happens to us readers when challenges and events are involved.

Fast forward to April, and amidst a lot of Not Reading, I had this urge to dive into the Bible. The reasons are several-fold:

• I identify as a Christian, raised in the Baptist church (not so much now, Baptists, #sorrynotsorry).
•  I have not read the whole Bible. If I start from the beginning, I usually crap right on out around Deuteronomy. I got the usual "Bible in chewable bits and pieces" treatment as a church attendee and in a college New Testament class (that made me question ALL THE THINGS). Then I lost my faith for a few years after my dad died at the age of 39 (I was 18), etc. etc. 
• The majority of my life has been spent feeling really stupid when it comes to Bible things.
• I'm consistently baffled by evangelical zeal for President 45 and the ways in which Scripture and That Particular Zeal do not line up in my head at all. 
• I'm a Christian and wanna be a good one.

SO, this undertaking is filed in my brain under, "I Must Understand For Myself All the Things". 

Breaking from past attempts, I decided to start in the New Testament because Jesus and grace and whatnot. Picture it, I started this Bible journey with my 30-year-old children's Bible (it's pink), and while it got me going, it also became fairly clear from the beginning that I wanted something....grown.

Yes, that is an "I'm Reading so Fuck Off" mug next to my Bible. I'm still me. 

If you follow me on Instagram, you've probably started to see this whole scenario in action. This was Saturday's first pic of the day: brunch, coffee, BIG STACK OF BOOKS. 

The giant chunk on the bottom is my new She Reads Truth Bible that I really like in the Christian Standard Bible (CSB) translation which is supposedly accurate and readable. On top of that is my Scripture notebook (more on this below), my bullet journal, and my prayer notebook.

As I started reading through the New Testament, about five chapters into Matthew, I realized I have a LOT OF QUESTIONS. I have grown-up, analytical, historical questions like who the hell are these Pharisees and Sadducees on the scene? But more than "bad guys"...WHO ARE THEY REALLY? 

There has been much Googling, much researching, much downloading of apps, reading of commentaries from a variety of scholars and time periods, and...gird yourselves...I'm copying it. 

I'm copying the New Testament word-for-word. 

I know. I never would've pegged myself for this job, but copying:

1. Helps me remember all the stuff I inevitably forget otherwise

2. Sloooowwwwws me down

3. Gives me a space to copy the Scripture, write my understanding, work out my questions and connections, write notes from histories and commentaries, and then keep right on going. 

It's a lot of work, but this is scratching my-totally-ingrained-need-to-research itch along with my need to read. AND there's the added bonus of giving me these endorphin feelings much like I had when I started my English degree and was SO PROUD to understand things I thought I'd never understand. 

And it's meditative. And I look forward to it, and I'm sad when I don't have time. 

If you've been wondering where I am...this is where. I'm neck-deep in the Bible. 

The End is Nigh

Image credit. 

The end of my Lenten social media fast, that is. I never really made a conscious decision to NOT post here for Lent. The objects of my fast were Facebook and Twitter for the most part. My personal Instagram was part of it, though I kept my business one active for obvious reasons, and after this experiment this is the platform I miss most. I also kept YouTube because I decompress by watching art videos these days.

With the end of Lent nine days away, I have mixed feelings. Some things to celebrate, some progress made, plenty of observations about my own habits and tendencies.

Being away from Facebook was nothing but positive, with the exception of missing some friends' updates. That said, I can log in and creep on you all without getting sucked down the rabbit hole of 24/7 access. I strongly believe the app should stay off my phone. I seem to be able to log in once per day for friend-checking and avoid the rest. For the most part, sharing things I care about on Facebook, like March for Our Lives this weekend, doesn't require me to log in for more than a second or two.

I don't need an all-hours news cycle because it just feeds my anxiety. I've been fine with reading a morning briefing and listening to Pod Save America for some perspective. I do think it would be helpful to subscribe to the Washington Post or New York Times websites for unlimited online reading. With limited access I can't always click through the morning briefing and get the full story which is annoying and half-assed.

Limited social media has helped calm my anxiety. I've used the minutes I would normally spend scrolling in the morning to do meditation via the Headspace app which has been immensly helpful. I use all the other minutes I would've normally spent scrolling to make art. This also helps sooth me.

Overall, I don't think there were any surprises. I knew all of this going into my social media fast, but I wanted to do it, finally, and I have enough perspective to make some tweaks. Facebook, while my biggest nemesis, is the most obvious tool for activism and organizing that I have at my disposal...especially for local/county political action. I'll still be there on FB, but in much smaller amounts.

Poking My Head Out Into the Interwebs (Where I've Been)

Oh, hey! If you follow me on Instagram, you probably knew I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. If you don't follow me, you might've assumed. Lord knows I haven't been writing.

Here's what I have been doing:

1. Grading, grading, grading. I taught four sections of composition this term and TA'ed (ie, graded) for another four.

2. Etsy shop. I've been making new stuff as best I can, though all that grading can throw a wrench in the plans. I'm coming up on 1,000 sales, so I think there's a giveaway in order. 

3. Vegging out. Chilling like broccoli. I bought myself an Xbox One for my 37th birthday and I'm completely addicted to Lego games and Little Nightmares to name a couple. I also play a lot of SIMS 4 since the new Cats and Dogs expansion came out.

I've been reading here and there, but it's mostly been super laid back, fun romance. Namely, the Winston Brothers series by Penny Reid. I just finished the second book, Grin and Beard It (!!!), and it was the greatest. I'm on to book three, Beard Science (ha!!!).

What else? Holidays! Family fun! We've had a lot going on, and it's been good stuff. I hope you're well, and I'll see you all soon. I have a few weeks coming up that will be GLORIOUSLY SLOW.

Is This the Goodbye Post?

I was sitting on the couch yesterday, bored. Not interested in books. Not interested in the bookternet. Not interested in writing, or stickers, or running. Not interested in anything but sitting in quiet and wallowing in it.

Many times I've thought about shutting this blog down. I don't read for a month or more at a time. I don't prioritize it among all the other things going on. I've been neglecting Book Riot. My sticker shop is closed when it was supposed to reopen last Friday. I haven't been running.

This is what depression looks like for me. It's a distinctive lack where there was, even recently, an abundance. An abundance of enthusiasm, energy, drive. Now, silence or a nagging in my head.

I've certainly known this cycle for long enough that I realize I shouldn't make major decisions when I feel this way. I miss writing here, I miss writing at Book Riot, I miss it.

I miss you.

When I'm out of this funk, I hope I'll feel differently. I hope I'll feel something.

Note: Don't worry about me. I'm fine. I'm on meds. I've lived this for 30 years. Just another cycle. But, alas, I share it because I want others to feel less alone.  

Doable Daily Action and a Catch-Up

Well hello there! It's Monday, I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee. My husband is out of town, I got kiddo to school successfully, and I'm thinking about my day.

My night classes are on break for another week. Somehow just knowing I don't have to commute an hour each way in the evening makes the day seem so much longer and filled to the brim with productivity opportunities. I woke up with a bitchin' headache and my allergies are trying to kill me, so I called in to my morning classes in favor of having them do work online today. Again, the day feels so LONG.

I have a mind to do some grading today. I'm perpetually behind. Can I get an AMEN from my fellow educators out there? I also need to begin doing some bits and bobs for a new online class that starts next week. Stuff. So much stuff. And stickers, but I won't even go into those specifics right now.

But really, this post is supposed to be less about mundane bullshit and more about specific mundane bullshit. Ever since the election, I've begun daily action. Do I skip days? Yes. Do I forget days? Yes. But more often than not, I'm calling my representatives to bug them about something or other--an appointment hearing, a bill. Because I am progressive-in-Texas, more often than not, I'm calling to oppose something that I have no faith my representatives will actually oppose. Sometimes I'm pleasantly surprised.

When I started this process, like so many of us, I was on fire about EVERYTHING. I could literally feel my heart rate rising and my anxiety kicking up the further I read through the news. Now, I've upped my anxiety meds and fallen into a groove of things that I do, and it's a lot easier. It's a part of my day. It's fairly mundane but important. It's an adulting step just like doing work or cleaning the house.

Here's a quick list of the things I do. This is less about patting myself on the back (I have a headache and I can't reach) and more about hoping it'll help you fall into your own groove:

• I skim through the news to see what fresh hell is brewing. I prefer the New York Times Daily Briefing which is delivered to my inbox. Or, if I'm already on Facebook, I'll zip over to the Washington Post's page to see what's shaking. 
• I usually have an idea of what I want to call about as I'll hit on the latest thing or I'll cycle through a few issues, but if I need help, a reminder, a script, I'll go over to CallThemIn because it's so damn easy. Script, check! Input your ZIP and get your reps' phone numbers, check! 
• If I'm floundering for something to do/say, I'll also check out the "Do a Thing" tiny letter. Also delivered to my inbox. 
• I have my representatives on speed dial. No, literally. I told my husband a couple of months ago that I was putting John Cornyn and Ted Cruz into my "favorites" call list so they'd be close at hand. I guess he didn't listen or didn't take me seriously because when he actually picked up my phone and went to the faves (I think he was calling my mom), he laughed out loud. THEY ARE LITERALLY ON SPEED DIAL.
• Because I like to call them in the morning...when I'm sitting down with coffee, before I'm completely coherent, sliding into my day, and before their voicemails are full (except you, John Cornyn, I see you). 
• I also added all of their addresses (US, State) to my planner because I'm trying to write more postcards when I have spare moments. 

So that's it. That's how I've kinda/sorta streamlined contacting my representatives on the daily. Because hey, if Trump can be president, I can be politically engaged forever and ever amen. Because every voice matters. 

Go raise some hell. 

OH, and before I forget, Daily Action has a way of reminding me of things I forgot. I follow them on Facebook and LOVE THEM HARD. 

I'm Too Old for This Shit

I'm nine days shy of my 36th birthday, and I am angry. People in my life who read this will ask me if I'm ok, and some will assume this writing is about them. Really, this is about me. It's about 36 years of experience and observation, understanding and...anger.

One of the first things I talk through in my classes is personal bias. The baggage we inevitably carry because of our individual experiences. I am the daughter of a single mother and an absent father. The granddaughter of an alcoholic. The wife of a sensitive, kind man. The mother of a willful, creative, outspoken child. A sexual assault survivor. An educator. Liberal. I have a lot of biases. I acknowledge them and try to think around and through them. All these things and more have shaped me. But I'm also tired of this shit.

I've been sitting with a lot of thoughts lately. I've been doing a lot of watching through this election cycle. I've been doing a lot of reading and re-reading essays for class. I am a sounding board for dear friends. I think a lot about what being a woman means. What being a woman in 2016 is for me and for those close to me. What it has meant and will continue to look like.

The women I know are the strongest creatures alive. They sit with their daughters when they've been hurt. They teach their sons about consent from the moment they can walk. They hold everything up if their partners check out, step out, or just can't deal. They make the hard decisions. They are observant, detailed, graceful, steely, thoughtful. They advocate, oversee. They know that even when the world is crashing down, school notes still have to be signed and the water bill needs to be paid. Period.

I wanted to tell a dear friend how strong she is today, but the next thought in my head was, "Because what other choice is there?" It's not fair that she has to be strong. But she does. And I do. And you do.

You will do it all. I will do it all. We will do it all.

My tolerance for condescension and perceived superiority is nil. No fucks left.

Putting On Armor

I mentioned earlier today on Twitter that I skipped out on my second class of the morning. I taught the first one, had a decent time doing it, but when the time came to skip over to the second, my stomach seized up, I started sweating, it felt a bit like the floor fell out from under me. In short, anxiety happened. I put an "out sick" note on the board and posted work online for the day.

I can't say that something like that has happened since, oh, 2003. Not in relation to a class anyway.  I've been open here about anxiety and depression. It's one of the reasons I left my old job. Anxiety was eating me up.


In my previous post, I mentioned wanting to get back on track with running to try to prevent some of this. That wasn't really the whole story though. Lately, every day feels like putting on armor. Steeling myself for the next thing.

Greyson is having some difficulties in school and "ADHD" has been tossed around, much to his dad's chagrin, so I won't go into detail. Needless to say, I feel the need to closely monitor and advocate for him. We're working on a different approach to behavior...something we've tried before with good results...so it seems promising in the long term. We'll see.

I have a wicked case of electionitis, which I've also mentioned but not discussed in any detail. As much as I try to be objective, even-tempered, cool-headed, and rhetorically-sensitive, I am at a precipice. Texas, for the first time in my memory, is a swing state. It is almost unbearable for me to see people I went to school with, people I've respected, and family members defending Trump's toxic rhetoric. Being that rhetorically-sensitive teacher--it's my literal job--I do understand some of what persuades these folks, but since politics is all about priorities, I can't stomach support for a candidate whose actions have made it a grand old time for racism and sexism to come out and bask in the sun. I want to say, yeah, you're a garbage fire and sit the fuck down. That's as honest as it gets. Ugly, but honest.

Finally, I'm tired. Bone tired. I have wonderful support from my husband and mom, but I feel like I'm driving a lot, nurturing a lot, without getting enough back. Again, that's not anyone's fault close to me. I'm tired of being an adult when others are not. I'm tired of being observant and responsible, involved, outspoken, when others are not. (Nope, not giving any more detail.)

Armor. Every day.

We Interrupt Regularly Scheduled Posting for the Burden On My Heart

This will be a very different post than the one I started writing this morning. I woke up disappointed. I slept through my 5 a.m. alarm, and my 5:15 alarm. I dozed or stared at my phone right on through the 6:15 and 6:30 alarms, mentally berating myself when I couldn't get out of bed. I finally did. I wished my husband good luck as he left the house for his workout and tottered around in my pajamas before it was time for my son to wake.

I sat down at my computer, my mind buzzing with negativity and disappointment. In the world. In politics. Violence, hatred, everything. Wondering how our priorities as a country can be so different and knowing there's no easy answer. Ever. Even when it seems like it should be straightforward, it is not.

When David got back from his workout, I reluctantly put on my own gear, laced up my shoes, looked out the door at a morning much more advanced than what I'd planned. Not looking forward to the humidity, or the sun that might fry me on the move, I willed my feet out onto the porch, the paving stones, the street. I put in my earbuds, went into my podcast app, and today's Running on Om podcast was titled "Mario Fraioli on Staying the Course in Running and Writing." Fitting. I had no idea who Mario Fraioli was, but staying the course resonated.

I was convinced that I would not run. "I cannot possibly do this today. It's hot, the air is soupy, it's so much later than I wanted to do this." So many excuses. So many reasons not to do it.

The weight in my chest, the very real burden on my heart, was in not knowing how to navigate...anything. I can get angry about ugliness in the media and politics, I can log into Facebook and fight with the people in my life, I can post snarky commentary or vent. For what exactly? Who am I winning over to my way of thinking in those situations?

After 15 minutes of walking and listening and thinking and walking and listening and thinking, I had to ask myself some fundamental questions. I backtracked from where I was in that moment to the basics of where I want to be. I have lived my life by one rule: Be useful, be kind, and help. It's not a statement. It's a command. Christians talk about burdens on their hearts, and I feel it the most in moments like this...of change, demand, or confusion.  It's not my job to convince people to my way of thinking. It's my job to live a positive life. Plant a seed.

I've told my son and plenty of other people in my life, if they ask for my input or advice or are struggling the way I've struggled lately, "You may have to try harder than you've ever tried." 

As I was still walking and listening and thinking. Lather, rinse, repeat. I was disappointed in the approach I've taken to speaking my own truth at times lately. It's so easy to let the angry, frustrated parts of ourselves take over. I knew I would be disappointed if I didn't try running. I would be giving in to these dark, sad, angry bits.

Was it about running? No. It was about trying. Trying harder than I have tried any other day. I ran and I cried and I wrestled with this burden and how how how how how to do these things. I didn't have trouble breathing (except when I cried), I didn't have any specific, unendurable pain...just the burn of intention. The demands of moving, extending the effort, staying the course.

I left some of the heartache out on the road today. I came home satisfied with my effort but knowing that there's more to do, and at times it will be harder to be kind than it is to be angry. I will try harder than I have ever tried to give grace and love, lend my voice, hands, and gifts to the things that benefit others. I will be an ally and a helper. Stay the course.

The Slippery Slope of Comparison

Image credit

It's been almost three months since I quit my full-time job, and I'm just now coming down from the high of a life change. Once I was working from home, I barreled straight into a new on-ground teaching gig full of on-boarding procedure, a new course to teach, and lots of conference calls. I started lining up opportunities for the fall semester. I started running.

Only now, 74 days after the fact, am I really slowing. Summer has shifted in. The course I teach is coming to a close (before another one starts), and I should, perhaps, be at my most relaxed.

Afraid not. I've felt darkness and self-doubt creeping in and successfully ignored it, but today I felt the full force of it. I had to sit down and spill to my husband.

I knew these feelings would come, and now I have to face them down. I've been listening to the Running on Om podcast for a while now, and it speaks to me in a variety of ways. It prompts me to reflect deeply. Today, though, I slipped on the slope of comparison, and Running on Om prompted me to a deeper dive. To a fuller realization of stress. Of self-doubt.

Here's what got me. Living in a small town, I see and talk to a lot of people I grew up with. People who have made vastly different life choices, have taken a variety of paths. I realized a while back, that a person I genuinely like, with whom I've always had a really good relationship, is in a high position within the school district where we live. She's younger than me, is making more money than me, lives in a bigger house, drives a nicer car. Comparison put me in a bad place.

It's not that I begrudge her any of those things. She's been on a very specific path for the majority of her adult life. She's lived here and done one career which has taken her continually up the ladder. She's worked hard, and I'm certain she's very good at what she does.

My own choices have been very different, and it was in that moment of comparison that I had to start grappling with where my choices have brought me.

• I have to come back to terms with my career choices. They have been nuanced and zig-zagged. I have vast experience, but it has not been linear. It has not been accumulated in one place. 
• We don't own our house. It is not sizable or new. I've been a nomad criss-crossing the country, taking things as they come, sloughing off belongings until just a few years ago. 
• My decision to leave my full-time position has stymied our real estate momentum. 

I feel guilty and less. I am emotionally taxed and tearful. Do I expect these things of other people in my life? No. Do I realistically think they mean a damn thing? No. But where you see yourself when you're young and where you end up as an adult can be so different. It's funny how those ideals hang on and resurface. Even when you think you've moved beyond them.

I'll be fine. I know that. I'm having a cupcake now and going to a family graduation ceremony tonight. I'll have a good, challenging run in the morning. I'll reflect and move on, but right this minute, the weight on my shoulders is heavy, and loosening the steam valve by posting here is necessary.

The Hamster Wheel of Information Overload

One of the things I promised myself when I quit my full-time job was that I'd invest more time into self-care. I mean, really, I quit the job because it was making me sick. It's only right that I give back to myself. Find some inner peace and improve my health if we're going to sacrifice the income and benefits associated with that employment.

As such, I've been much more attentive to myself. My needs. My strengths and struggles.

I am a person who thrives on being busy.

• Three part-time teaching jobs (adding a fourth in August)
• Two freelance writing jobs
• Compulsive blogger
• Readathon co-organizer
• Mother
• Reader
• Exerciser

Part of that compulsion is a way to stave off depression. I've known for years that staying busy is the best way for me to avoid the desire to pull the covers over my head and disappear.

I've also started to note the tipping point in that arrangement. Having SO many things going on has shown me the flip side of happy-busy, and it's information overload. 

A while back I did Note to Self's #Infomagical challenge--which is still available with one clickety click--and I chose to focus on being more creative. I streamlined a lot of my digital life during that challenge but also earlier in the year when I started reading up on Getting Things Done productivity methods.  

I don't stumble into information overload territory as much as I did when I was working my PR job, but it happens occasionally, and just yesterday was a perfect example. It was rainy and dreary outside. I couldn't go walk-run as much as I usually do. I was stuck indoors. I figured I might as well do some blog planning, so I got a list of topics squared away, worked on drafting, Tweeted for awhile, got some Instagram ideas together, and generally did stuff that needs doing. 

And then I wanted to rip someone...anyone's...head off. Thinking ahead was like looking down a tunnel. Even when I was done with my planning, I checked social media obsessively. No, Andi, there are no new messages in the three seconds since you last checked Twitter. 

That's what information overload, and being completely overwhelmed, feels like for me. Like my brain is on fire and I'm stuck in an endless loop of checking, rechecking, and obsessively looking. All the while feeling too overwhelmed to move on to the next obvious task on my to-do list. In this case, I really could've used that next block of time to work on a Book Riot post or a reference letter that's hanging out there unfinished. 

Information overload is like a hamster wheel for me....spinning, spinning but not going anywhere.  

I realized in that moment, that I had to do something else. Anything else. Reboot. 

I did a 10-minute guided meditation, bitched on Twitter (counterproductive), relaxed for a bit away from the computer and my phone. I got up and tidied our medicine corner of the kitchen (a place where we pile up antacids, pain relievers, and other frequent flyer meds that quickly gets cluttered).

Then I was able to sit down and think about what to do next. 

We have so much information at our disposal...so many ways to engage with it, create it, disseminate it. It really is overwhelming sometimes, and there's nothing worse for me than that brain-on-fire feeling of being stuck in the information loop. Exercise has certainly shown itself to be it's own kind of meditation practice before the day gets going, but with a week of rainy weather ahead I need to plumb the depths for more. 

How do you quite your brain when you're feeling overloaded? 

The Week That Was a Glorious Mess

No complaints here, but I am amused by the fluidity of...everything. Super busy, chaotic job is gone, and home-life, teaching, writing chaos rushes in to fill the gaps.

Several times this week I found myself on marathon phone calls with the call waiting buzzing in my ear and Facebook and Twitter going off with messages from family and friends all in a wonderful jumble. Yesterday was a day of online class planning, conference calls, and prep prep prep for a new adjunct teaching opportunity.

If I've picked up a book this week, I fell asleep next to it shortly after, angering the dog because I dropped it in her spot.

I hit 10,000 steps on my FitBit for the first time ever yesterday. Working from home, no less! Since I was a captive audience on all those conference calls, I figured walking in place or dancing around was as good a pastime as any.

I've picked up the kiddo from his after school program early on a couple of afternoons. Last night we got through homework so quickly and effortlessly that Greyson and I snuggled up together on the chaise lounge, and he watched YouTube videos about Zootopia while I petted his hair and dozed.

David is out of town for the second week, so sleep is spotty. Why Susie the Basset hound needs hugs at 3am I'll never know. This morning I was awake at 1:30, 2:30, 4:30 and again at 5:15.

Next, I'm off to the cardiologist for a preventative appointment before my insurance craps out. My father died young of a heart attack, so an EKG and stress test are in order. Glad I've had my coffee. I'll overlook the fact that the office gave me the wrong appointment time by two and a half hours.

I hope you're all having a gloriously messy week. Because if it's gonna be messy, I hope it's at least glorious.

Currently 03.27.16

Hellloooooo everybody! I'm cheating and writing this on Saturday night because I have a fairly lengthy to-do list for Sunday. Sadly, there's not much of the Easter variety going on here. David is still out of town for training, G will spend most of the day at his dad's. I'll probably have morning coffee and lunch with my mom, and the rest of the day is miscellaneous.

Right this minute: Sitting on my couch editing a YouTube video for later this week. I just put together a floor lamp I brought home from my office, so my living room has a lovely torchiere glow!

Feeling: Relaxed! I took it easy today. I got up early, had my coffee and cereal, watched a documentary about Misty Copeland called A Ballerina's Tale (highly recommended) on Netflix, read, read, read, visited my mom, had tacos for lunch, read some more, and here I am! 

Reading: The Regional Office is Under Attack by Manuel Gonzales and it kicks all the ass. I am LOVING IT because female assassins. 

Listening: I've been stuck on this Dixie Chicks cover of "Wrecking Ball." 



Watching: Nothing at the moment. When I upload BookTube videos it eats up all the bandwidth for streaming TV. Boo!

Promoting: Readathon! READER sign-ups are open and hopping! Cheerleaders, mini-challenges, and prize donation sign-ups will be coming in the next two weeks! Head on over to 24HourReadathon.com for all the deets about our April 23 event! 

Loving: FREEEEEDOM! I'll just leave it at that. 

Hating: My toe. I twisted it (somehow) chasing Great Pyrenees puppies to save them from certain death last week and now it's all swollen, purple, throbby, and it's keeping me from exercising.

Eating: Tacos with chipotle diced tomatoes, lima beans, cheddar cheese, sour cream, and angel wings. Ok, no angel wings, but they taste heavenly.

Anticipating: Getting some posts pre-scheduled for this week! I think it might be a "stuff week." I have lots of makeup and other stuff I want to post about that I haven't gotten around to. 

Up now on ye olde BookTube channel, a look at my Spring TBR, some of the older books on my stacks. 




Have a fantabulous Sunday!

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Currently: 03.20.16

Happy Sunday, kittens. Let's jump straight in, shall we?

Right this minute: Sitting on my couch in a very cold house. Texas has been unseasonably warm lately (80s), but we dipped back down into the 30s overnight, so the dogs and I are trying to warm up the house with heaters, snuggles, and blankets. 

Feeling: Tired! Hubs is off to a work training in Colorado for two weeks, so I made a trip to the airport and back before daylight.

Reading: Dietland by Sarai Walker which is FABULOUS so far. It's really subversive and snarky and smart and just wonderful. I'm really looking forward to finishing it today to see where it all leads.

Listening: The Note to Self podcast. I've previously mentioned this one in regards to their #Infomagical series, which I really loved. The episode I listened to on the road this morning was all about fitness trackers and whether they're good for us, not, or somewhere in between. As a fitness tracker quitter, it was really interesting and hit home in regards to some of the reasons I lost interest in mine.

Watching: Mostly BookTube videos today! And Feedly.

Promoting: #ReadMyOwnDamnBooks rolls on, and #Readathon planning is coming right up!

Loving: That I only have 3.5 days of work left! I'm currently going through the interview process to adjunct teach research writing for a new-to-me university. I'm also brainstorming some other freelance ideas.

Hating: That hubs is gone for two weeks. I will miss him lots, and as great and well-behaved as Greyson is, I am not a fan of the single parenting.

Eating: Finished off my bowl of Cheerios and coffee for breakfast. Now I'm mentally plotting dinner: cajun fried catfish and some veggies or somethin'.

Anticipating: Having more time to read, exercise, clear my head.

Here's my latest BookTube video talking a bit about the job situation, the books that have come into my house as of late, and culling.